Welcome to the Abattoir! Here, we perform extractions of lifesaving organs–whether people consent to them or not!
Don’t worry: we don’t harvest organs from just anyone. In fact, if you’re one of our Many Tens of Loyal Readers™, you’re probably safe. (Probably.) All involuntary donors must meet one very specific criteria: they would eagerly and happily force other people to donate lifesaving organs without their consent. Since they feel so very strongly about this particular principle, it is only right and fair that they live by it!
There is no question that this exciting new program will save untold thousands of human lives. As of January 2014, 120,990 people were waiting for lifesaving organ transplants in the United States alone; 99,201 of them desperately need a kidney. The facts are these:
- Last year, only 14,029 kidney transplants took place in the U.S.
- The average wait time for a kidney is three to five years, depending on blood type.
- 3,381 people died in 2013 while waiting for a kidney.
- On average, nearly 2,500 new patients are added to the waiting list every month.
Well friends, these statistics are about to change—and rapidly. No American should die for lack of a donor kidney when there are so many people so passionate about forcing other people to donate their organs involuntarily. Why, the sheer numbers of politicians and clergy alone will put a hefty dent in these tragic statistics in short order.
Risk to the donor
It is true that organ extraction does involve risks, just as any other major surgery would. Rest assured that we make every effort to mitigate adverse outcomes: our surgical suites are state-of-the-art, and our extraction teams adhere strictly to best industry practices. It’s not like we’re running an illegal abortion clinic here, people!
At the Abattoir, we hold that the right to informed consent is absolute (unlike the so-called “right” to bodily autonomy). Well, the informed part is, anyway. The consent part, not so much. Remember, our donors are openly hostile to the very notion of other peoples’ consent when it comes to their own bodies and the decisions they make about them, so it’s not like we need to trouble ourselves with obtaining permission. Beyond that, our donors are clear that once a person has consented to having sex, they have also automatically and irrevocably consented to be a live organ donor. (Truth be told, the logic here escapes us. But we’re willing to give these fine folks the benefit of the doubt, and proceed accordingly: Had sex? Organ donor!)
So in the interests of full disclosure: short-term risks of organ donation include anesthesia reactions, intestinal problems including blockages and tears, pain, wound infections, blood loss requiring transfusions, blood clots, pneumonia, injury to surrounding tissue and other organs, and, unfortunately, death. Long-term risks include high blood pressure, organ failure or reduced function that may, ironically, require organ transplantation, hernia, collapsed lung and of course death. Donors are also at risk for psychological problems during the post-op healing process, and even years after the extraction: scarring or other aspects of the donation process can contribute to body image issues, and donors may experience feelings of regret, resentment, or anger. They may exhibit symptoms of anxiety or depression, and treatment for these conditions can be lengthy, costly, and may include the use of medications which also have risks and unpleasant side effects. But none of our donors could possibly object to any of that. We are saving human lives!
Because anesthesia may impair the functioning of a donor organ, it is only used in the rarest of cases. If donors are found to be circumventing this policy by using narcotics or any other potentially damaging substance, and the organ transplant is ultimately unsuccessful, donors may be subject to prosecution for murder and incarceration for life.
Finally, to satisfy ourselves that each donor is really and truly informed, he or she must undergo a transvaginal (or trans-anal/rectal) ultrasound, in order to view the organ from which they will soon be permanently parted. For good measure, each donor must also view a live video feed of the lucky future recipient of their organ and listen to a simultaneous audio feed of the patient’s heartbeat.
Now that is informed, motherfuckers.
Involuntary “Inconvenience” donation
Certain candidates may be eligible to participate unwillingly in our Inconvenience Donation Program™. This protocol is applied exclusively to donors who claim that other peoples’ unwillingness to donate lifesaving organs is only because they wish to avoid a temporary and trivial “inconvenience” that amounts to no more than a minor disruption to the person’s life. While we expect to expand the scope of the program as medical technology advances, we are presently focused on such minor inconveniences as harvesting skin grafts for burn victims, and corneas for the blind. Temporary pain, no matter how excruciating, or the permanent loss of stereo vision and depth perception are just the kinds of inconvenient consequences for their actions that donors should be prepared to endure.
Readers may understandably be concerned about the enormous costs of running such a program. Capturing, restraining, monitoring and locking up a single involuntary donor can quickly run into tens of thousands of dollars. Don’t worry about it! Our involuntary donors are held personally responsible for all fees and costs. I mean, that’s just taking “personal responsibility” for demanding that other people are not only involuntarily organ donors, but are also stuck with the massive bills.
presently residing in the Abattoir
- Mike Pence, Republican vice presidential nominee
Qualification: 100% rating from the National Right to Life [sic] Committee (and 0% rating from NARAL).
- Donald Trump, Republican presidential nominee
Qualification: took five different positions on abortion in three days, none of them good.
- Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito and John Roberts, U.S. Supreme Court Justices
Qualification: many, but the latest is dissenting opinions in Whole Woman’s Health v. Hellerstedt.
- 40 Oklahoma Senators, plus some Forced Birther John Reasnor
Qualification: SB 1552, which provides that any physician who performs an abortion would be unable to obtain a license to practice medicine in Oklahoma.
- Gov. John Kasich, “moderate” Republican Governor of Ohio and Presidential Candidate
Qualification: signed a law prohibiting the state from contracting for health services with any organization that performs or promotes abortions, blocking government funds to Planned Parenthood.
- Gov. Matt Bevin plus 92 Kentucky State Lawmakers
Qualification: SB 4, requiring abortion seekers to participate in two separate consultations with doctors, 24 hours apart, before being permitted access to a safe, legal, medical procedure that they want. We will of course force them to consult with their organ extraction surgeon twice, 24 hours apart, before we harvest their organs.
- Florida State Reps. Charles Van Zant, Larry Ahern, Dane Eagle, Matt Gaetz, Jennifer Sullivan, Jimmie Smith, Keith Perry and James Grant
Qualification: HB 0865, essentially outlawing all abortions in the state.
- Mike Moon, Missouri State Representative (R-Ash Grove)
Qualification: HB 1794, establishing the “All Lives Matter Act,” whereby anti-choice legislators co-opt the Black Lives Matter movement to effectively eliminate legal abortion in the state by defining a fertilized egg as “a person” and life as beginning at conception.
- Cheryl Sullenger + dumpster divers, Operation Rescue, Wichita, KS.
Qualification: digging through clinic dumpsters in search of patient records…then claiming the clinics are violating patient privacy.
- Matt Chandler, Pastor.
Qualification: this video.
- Matt Schaefer, Texas State Rep.
Qualification: “put forward an amendment that would make it illegal to terminate a pregnancy after 20 weeks, even if a fetus ‘has a severe and irreversible abnormality,’ effectively forcing families with wanted, but unsustainable pregnancies to carry to term at the behest of the state and against the advice of their doctors or their own wishes.”
- Kansas State Republicans (except Senator Vicki Schmidt).
Qualification: outlawing D&E procedures, which will for all practical purposes prohibit all abortions after 14 weeks.
- Charmaine Yoest, president, Americans United for Life.
Qualification: says of the successful state-level strategy of forced childbirth, “There wasn’t much opportunity on the federal level, so pro-life [sic] Americans said, ‘We are going to make a statement with the government that’s nearest and closest to us.’”
- Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana, Republican.
Qualification: “has been so consistent in his opposition to abortion that the state is celebrated as the most ‘pro-life’ in the country by Americans United for Life.”
- Bill Shanks, anti-abortion protester and member of fundamentalist Christian group Operation Save America.
Qualification: “This is like a victory celebration. Last time we came here, there were 10 free-standing abortion clinics. One by one, they’ve crumbled.”
- Benjamin Clapper, executive director, Louisiana Right to Life Federation.
Qualification: well, he is the executive director of the Louisiana Right to Life [sic] Federation…
- Gene Mills, Christian pastor and head of the Louisiana
FamilyMisogyny Forum (founded by fellow involuntary organ donor Tony Perkins).
Qualification: publishes antiabortion scorecards on Louisiana legislators, distributes them to churches and encourages pastors to unconstitutionally speak out about elected officials in violation of their tax-exempt status: “We want to let [pastors] know that it is not the government’s right to limit your free speech even when you stand on the pulpit.”
- Katrina Jackson, Louisiana State Representative, Democrat.
Qualification: Sponsor of Louisiana’s TRAP law requiring abortion doctors to have admitting privileges at local hospitals: “I look forward to the day abortion is not legal in this country.”
- Warniesha Berry, garden variety asshole.
Qualification: “if you close them down and there is no possible way to get an abortion, you’re going to think twice about having unprotected sex.” Hahaha nope.
- Jerry Edwin Smith and Jennifer Walker Elrod, Judges on the US Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit.
Qualification: Ignored the district court’s findings on HB2 and slithered their way through controlling legal precedent in order to unleash their fellow shitweasels to immediately shut down all but 7 clinics in the state of Texas.
- Jim Bob, Michelle, Josh, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph and Josiah Duggar, reality show stars.
Qualification: held a press conference in support of a Tennessee ballot initiative that would give state lawmakers the power to enact greater restrictions on abortion. (They don’t even live in Tennessee.)
- Kevin D. Williamson, National Review writer.
Qualification: Says women who have abortions should be subject to the death penalty—by hanging.
- Richard Dawkins, evolutionary biologist and prominent atheist author.
Qualification(s): claims to be “pro-choice precisely because (to the extent that) the fetus has no brain to be conscious with,” and thus it would be “murder most foul” to abort some hypothetical fetus that can write poetry. Yep: a pregnant person should be forced to donate organs to a poet-fetus.
- John Becker, Ohio State Representative.
Qualification: HB 351, a bill that would patients.
- Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell, U.S. Senators.
Qualification: pushing a nationwide 20-week abortion ban.
- Richard Cash, South Carolina Republican candidate for U.S. Senate.
Qualification: shot a campaign video at his local jail, where Richard proudly attests to the fact that he’s been arrested and jailed ten times “for peaceful protests at abortion clinics, standing up for what is right.”
- Maureen Ferguson, Senior Policy Advisor, The Catholic Association.
Qualification: has decided for us all that it is always more humane and compassionate for everyone concerned to force pregnant people to carry to full-term and give birth to fetuses with disastrous abnormalities incompatible with life and then let them suffer as long as possible before dying, than it is to abort them at an earlier stage in pregnancy.
- Antonin Scalia, U.S. Supreme Court Justice.
Qualification: Openly itching to overturn Roe v. Wade.
- Maureen Scalia, wife of Antonin Scalia.
Qualification: “has a long history of working closely with crisis pregnancy centers — as a ‘crisis counselor’ and associate director of a center in Virginia, and as a board member of a national crisis pregnancy organization.”
- The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (447 active and retired bishops.)
Qualification: “Abortion, the direct killing of an innocent human being, is always gravely immoral”…”life must be protected with the utmost care from the moment of conception.”
- Phyllis Schlafly, Founder and President, Eagle Forum.
Qualification: “having won control of the Republican Party platform thanks to a deal made with the insurgent candidate Patrick J. Buchanan, whose campaign she co-chaired, she and right-wing allies fought off an attempt by presidential nominee Bob Dole to return more tolerant language on abortion to the party platform, which in 1992 was changed to a no-exceptions stance against all abortion. Schlafly threatened a floor fight if Dole so much as allowed an exception for victims of rape or incest, and the nominee relented.”
- Members of the Texas Legislature Jodie Laubenberg, Cindy Burkett, Linda Harper-Brown, Greg Bonnen, Phil King, Charles “Doc” Anderson, Giovanni Capriglione, Stefani Carter, Pat Fallon, Dan Flynn, Rep. Frank, John Frullo, Craig Goldman, Bryan Hughes, Jason Isaac, Stephanie Klick , Matt Krause, John Kuempel, George Lavender, Jeff Leach, Rick Mill, Jim Murphy, Charles Perry, Larry Phillips, Scott Sanford, Matt Schaefer, Ralph Sheffield, Ron Simmons, John Smithee, Drew Springer, Phil Stephenson, Jonathan Stickland, Van Taylor, Rep. Thompson, Steve Toth, Scott Turner, James White, William Zedler, Sen. Glenn Hegar, Sen. Craig Estes, Sen. Paxton.
Qualification: Cosponsors of HB 2.
- Rick Perry, Texas Gov.
Qualification: signed HB 2 into law.
- Greg Abbott, Texas Attorney General.
Qualification: argues that HB 2 is constitutional.
- Rick Santorum, Former U.S. Senator (R-Penn.) and Republican Presidential Candidate.
Qualification: Holds that abortion should be uniformly illegal even in cases of rape or incest, and that physicians who provide abortions to these victims should be criminally charged. Rape victims “have to make the best out of a bad situation.”
- Bob Casey, U.S. Senator (Penn.-D).
Qualification: Supports overturning Roe v. Wade, legal protection for human life from conception, and parental notification for abortion (but of course not for pregnancy, which is 14 times deadlier). Graciously allows exceptions for victims of rape and incest, but not fetal abnormalities.
- J. Matt Barber, Vice President, Liberty Counsel Action.
Qualification: “Let me be clear: Am I comparing this incredibly wicked, illegal mass murder at Aurora’s Century Theatre to the incredibly wicked, legal mass murder committed at Planned Parenthoods across the country each day? Absolutely – and you can quote me on it.”
- Gary L. Bauer, President, American Values & Former Presidential Candidate.
Qualification: Advocates overturning of Roe v. Wade, and claims legal abortions means that “God is removing His hand of protection from America.”
- Tony Perkins, President, Family Research Council.
Qualification: “As God is the Author of life, Family Research Council recognizes and respects the inherent dignity of every human life from conception (whether by natural or artificial means) until death.” “The Roe v. Wade decision was without foundation in the text of the Constitution and is losing its grip on more and more American hearts and minds. We look forward to the coming day when this grave error will be corrected so we can build a culture in which all human life is protected and treasured.”
- Janice Shaw Crouse, Ph.D., Executive Director and Senior Fellow, The Beverly LaHaye Institute.
Qualification: “Often when the topic of legalized abortion comes up and a discussion ensues, someone will ask a pro-life person, ‘But what about in cases of rape and incest? Would you force a woman who went through a violent attack to keep the baby?’ Giving the answer that the entirely innocent baby should not be sentenced to death for the crime of its father is generally not well received.”
- Tim Wildmon, President, American Family Association.
Qualification: “Folks keep in mind the overarching principle here we need to look at is a Biblical one, in that it is immoral, it is evil, it is wrong in the eyes of God to kill unborn babies.”
- Michele Bachmann, U.S. Congresswoman.
Qualification: Committed to banning all abortion, even in cases of rape, incest, and threats to a woman’s health.
- Newt Gingrich, former U.S. Congressman & former Presidential candidate.
Qualification: Committed to banning all abortion, even in cases of rape, incest, and threats to a woman’s health.
- Penny Young Nance, Chief Executive Officer and President, Concerned Women for America.
Qualification: “CWA does not take a position against birth control — our members have mixed views, like most Americans — but we draw a hard line on abortion and abortion-inducing drugs. We also stand firmly alongside other women of faith in their fight for their First Amendment right to religious freedom. This is the real war on women. It’s a war of aggression by abortion activists against women of Faith. This is a civil war.”
- GoodChoice, Palace commenter.
Qualification: “Do you wish your mom erred on the side of abortion?” See also: “I confess: I have a mistrust of women. Not a hatred, just a mistrust. I don’t think they can always make the best decisions when it comes to certain things.”
- biologosfan, Palace commenter.
Qualification: “I agree women’;s rights are very important. Almost all pro-lifers agree women;’s rights are very important. When we oppose Feticide, we just don’t agree that women have the right to kill an innocent person with their whole life ahead of them.”
- Magi Aly, Palace commenter.
Qualification: “Most abortions happen out of inconvenience, not a special case. When you have no regard for human life-both inside and out of the womb equally your a monster.”
- Mat Staver, Founder and Chairman, Liberty Counsel.
Qualification: Aims “to end abortion in America.”
- Marjorie Dannenfelser, President, Susan B Anthony List.
Qualification: “When the Virginia legislature proposed a bill in 2012 that would require women who need an abortion to get an unnecessary, invasive transvaginal ultrasound, Dannefelser took to the airwaves to praise the measure. ‘Really, this is a matter of giving a woman more information that she needs to make a decision that’s fully informed,’ Dannefelser told Chris Matthews about the procedure, which involves penetrating a woman with a wand to give her an ultrasound that only confirms what she already knows.”
- Marilyn Musgrave, Former Congresswoman (R-Colorado), Vice President for Government Affairs, Susan B Anthony List.
Qualification: Co-sponsored granting the pre-born equal protection under 14th Amendment. “The Right to Life Act declares that the right to life guaranteed by the Constitution is vested in each human being, and defines ‘human being’ to encompass all stages of life, including the moment of fertilization.” See also: “Musgrave criticized a witness at a congressional subcommittee hearing who had claimed she was ‘humiliated and discriminated against’ at a pharmacist’s refusal to fill a prescription for emergency contraception, claiming that it was only an issue of ‘inconvenience’ to be denied emergency contraception.
- Tim S. Goeglein, Vice President for External Relations, Focus on the Family.
Qualification: “We desire to end the practice of abortion: making it both illegal and unthinkable.”
- Kristine Kruszelnicki, Pro-Life Humanists.
Qualification: “Pro-life Humanists affirms that women and their prenatal offspring are both human beings with rights. When these rights conflict, we nonetheless reject as ageist the philosophy that a a fetus must lose his or her life entire to restore a temporary loss of bodily autonomy…We are consistent in our defense of all preborn human beings and refuse to discriminate against those conceived through violence.”
- Bill O’Reilly, Fox News pundit.
Qualification: “If we as a society allow an undefined mental health exception in late-term abortions, then babies can be killed for almost any reason… This is the kind of stuff that happened in Mao’s China and Hitler’s Germany and Stalin’s Soviet Union… If we allow this, America will no longer be a noble nation… If we allow [now assassinated] Dr. George Tiller and his acolytes to continue, we can no longer pass judgment on any behavior by anybody. What Tiller is doing is that bad.”
- Ann Coulter, conservative pundit.
Qualification: “[T]here isn’t much that’s more important than ending the abortion holocaust in America. (Abortionist casualties: 7; Unborn casualties 30 million.)” See also: “I don’t really like to think of it as a murder. It was terminating Tiller in the 203rd trimester. … I am personally opposed to shooting abortionists, but I don’t want to impose my moral values on others.” –on the murder of Kansas abortion doctor George Tiller. See also: “Liberals’ only remaining big issue is abortion because of their beloved sexual revolution. That’s their cause: Spreading anarchy and polymorphous perversity. Abortion permits that.”
- Sarah Palin, part-term Alaska Governor, former Vice Presidential Candidate.
Qualification: Declared that she would not support an abortion for her own daughter even if she had been raped.
- George W. Bush, former U.S. President an former Texas Governor.
Qualification: “I do not like abortions. I will do everything in my power to restrict abortion.”