Yeah, I think we’ll be okay here without the Mooch.

I was terribly concerned about a dearth of fantastic blog fodder should the Mooch get the old heave-ho from the White Supremacist House. It turns out that I needn’t have worried.

Washington Post (via email):

Secret Service vacates Trump Tower command post in lease dispute with president’s company

The Secret Service has relocated its command post to a trailer on the sidewalk outside Trump Tower after a lease dispute with the Trump Organization. That means supervisors and agents have moved from one floor below the president’s apartment to more than 50 floors below.

There’s more if you’re interested in reading it. I find that unnecessary.

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BREAKING: I might be terrible.

Readers, I am more than a little disturbed at myself. You see, I have an affinity (<-hi Caine!) for some very dark humor, by which I mean the kind I feel terrible about for finding funny, because it is either rooted in harmful stereotypes, or taboo subjects, or punching down instead of up, that sort of thing. And yet! I still find myself laughing nonetheless.

This laughter, mind you, is inevitably followed by overwhelming feelings of shame, embarrassment and self-admonishment. That is NOT funny, Iris! I will exhort internally. Get a hold of yourself, woman! You should NOT be laughing at this!

Alas, as anyone who has ever commanded themselves to STOP THAT LAUGHING RIGHT NOW! can attest, this exercise is utterly, fatally doomed.

Continue reading

Twitter bot mockery FTW.

A good friend and Loyal Reader™ linked me to this Twitter feed, with the comment “I swear you’re behind this.” It’s generated by a bot (named Joel Dongsteen) that replaces the word “God” with “your dick” in the tweets of the insufferable pastor Joel Osteen. Much hilarity ensues.

Hahaha. Awesome.

While I am deeply flattered by my friend’s complimentary* comparison to the fine work of Mr. Dongsteen, I never in a million years would have done this. I would have replaced “God” with “your vagina.”

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*A psychologist once taught me to take anything as a compliment if it can be reasonably construed that way. Depression-prone veterans of cognitive therapy will recognize this tactic as an antidote to taking everything—literally everything—as a validation of our worst and most irrational convictions about ourselves. But then I thought, why stop there? Instead of simply negating those persistent negative thoughts with reality-based assessments, why not take everything as a compliment that can possibly be construed that way, even unreasonably? I mean, if unreasonable interpretations of everyday messages and events are a core part of the depressive psyche, why can’t they be a really fun part of the cure? In any case, it’s very satisfying to deliberately react with ostentatious gratitude to intentional insults lobbed in your direction; you feel great, and it confuses the hell out of your enemies.

Meet Admiral I. M. Fun.

Loyal Reader™, are you presently drinking a beverage? Do yourself a favor and put it down before reading this (unless it’s a shot of course in which case just do it already):

Admiral reprimanded for drunken, naked escapade at Florida hotel
Craig Whitlock, The Washington Post

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Rear Adm. David F. Baucom, the director of strategy and policy at the U.S. Transportation Command, became so intoxicated at an upscale beachfront resort in April that he struck his head on a barstool, wet his pants and needed an escort back to his room, according to an investigative report by the Naval Inspector General.

A few hours later, still in a haze, Baucom re-emerged from his room without any clothes on — as his door automatically locked behind him, the report states.

As the admiral stumbled around the grounds of the Ponte Vedra Inn and Club desperately looking for a towel to wrap around his waist, he was spotted by two alarmed female guests who reported him to hotel security.

It’s okay, Admiral—we’ve all been there, amirite? But for the life of me I cannot understand why these two guests alerted security instead of taking cell phone video, because that shit right there? That is hilarious.

Although Baucom said there was much he didn’t remember about his actions that night, he clearly recalled why he wasn’t wearing any clothes.

He had failed to pack his pajamas because he was concerned about the weight of his luggage and “did not want to pay the extra $25 for a 2nd bag,” according to an email he sent a colleague a few days later.

“Lesson learned,” he concluded. “I’ll pack my PJs next time.”

GOOD CALL ADMIRAL. May “pack your PJs” be an important life lesson for all of us thanks to your example.

Here’s how the Admiral’s tail tale ends…

After a disciplinary hearing, the Navy found Baucom guilty of disorderly conduct and conduct unbecoming an officer. He has since been transferred from his post at U.S. Transportation Command and reassigned to the Pentagon, Navy officials said.

…Or does it?

The Palace neither confirms nor denies rumors that the escapades of Admiral Baucom were a deliberate ruse and that he is now on investigative assignment for us at the Pentagon.

Monday funnies.

Two things made me giggle:

1. A high school kid hacked CIA Director John Brennan’s AOL account. He also hacked Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson’s Comcast email, and says he listened to his voicemails too. When they catch him they’ll probably throw the book at him (cyberterrorism!), which is not funny. Like, at all. But as these two surveillance state kingpins have instant access to pretty much every single thing we do, the kid’s stunts are more than a little hilarious, no?

2. ‘Pharma Bro’ Martin Shkreli getting pwned on Twitter. For example:

LMAO.

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BREAKING: Iris’s Political Consulting Company Incorporated Inc. LLC lands another client: a REPUBLICAN!

Well if it isn’t my old friend Governor George Pataki entering the Republican presidential primary race. I was quite certain he would remember me fondly, and he has obviously taken note of my important role as the top adviser to Governor Martin O’Malley’s pre-presidential pre-campaign. Raw Story reports on the Pataki announcement:

He could represent a fairly moderate voice in the 2016 Republican presidential field, which includes a pack of staunch conservatives. As governor, Pataki declared himself an abortion rights advocate and signed tough gun control legislation.

I will just note here that our current Democratic president has been unimpressive on abortion rights, and has yet to seriously tackle gun control. Perhaps it just slipped his mind. I mean, he has been VERY busy colluding with congressional Republicans to destroy what’s left of our democracy and fuck us all over with terrible trade bills that make NAFTA look like a blueprint for a socialist utopia. But still.

More recently, [Pataki] has criticized “religious freedom” bills that conservative candidates backed

Muy interesante, no?

and called it “inappropriate” when Republican lawmakers wrote to Iranian leaders in a move largely seen as undermining Democratic President Barack Obama.

Now I am hardly averse to undermining Democratic President Barack Obama when he gets up to his conservative shenanigans, but that Iran letter? That was WAY out of line.

He launched a fundraising Super-PAC in January and has made appearances in New Hampshire and Florida, important states in the presidential nominating contests.

That would be the same Super-PAC that is paying my invoices. What, you didn’t think I’d be helping out a Republican for free, did you? No, not even a Republican to the left of Barack Obama. *ahem*

Of course George Pataki presently stands little chance of becoming the Republican nominee: that dubious honor is more likely to go to some berserker like this chucklefuck here:

santorumRick Santorum, fascist sociopath.

But it seems to me that Pataki, with whom I actually enjoyed working briefly, has the potential to peel off some votes and cash from the less wild-eyed Republicans. Well, assuming there still are any, that is. Pataki’s actually a much better fit with the Democratic Party, or at least with its conservative leadership, and in this he stands alone among the current crop of clowns vying for the GOP nod. In other words, he could be the ideal wedge to divide the knuckledragger Jeezus-flavored wingers from the Big Business wing: believe it or not, Wall $treet does not really want people running the show who say shit like “I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them, too.” Sure, the banksters are epic doucheweasels, but they are pragmatic epic doucheweasels. If the divide between the theocrat and money factions is great enough—and the contests become ugly enough, which, hello?! Republicans!—supporters of whoever loses the nomination just might be disheartened enough to stay the fuck home for the general election. Comprende? I think you do. ;)

Thus we have undertaken a non-exclusive contract to advise the Pataki campaign, in the official capacity of Making Sure He Doesn’t Fuck Shit Up Before the Republican Primaries.

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Reads.

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10 Situations Where Christian Bakers Should Refuse To Bake Wedding Cakes. Corey, B.L., Patheos (Mar. 2015). (“we need to have the courage to radically expand our discrimination as we apply the Bible to everyone but ourselves.”) [No cake for you! Or you! You either! –Ed.]

CIA Torture Whistleblower: Wake Up America, You’re Next. Abby Martin interview of John Kiriakou, Media Roots (Mar. 2015). (VIDEO)

Costa Rica is now running completely on renewable energy. Epstein, A., Quartz (Mar. 2015). [Yes we can’t! -Ed.]

Starbuck’s CEO Just Made A Shocking Announcement That Has Christians Standing Up For Their Faith. Rachel, Q Political (Mar. 2015). [Shocking. LOL –Ed.]

Forget terrorists — be terrified of Harperites. Siddiqui, H., The Star (Mar. 2015). (“Stephen Harper’s government wants us to be terrified of terrorists, niqabis, criminals, thieves, etc. But it’s the Conservatives we should be scared of.)

Women on 20s. (“It’s our mission to generate an overwhelming people’s mandate for a new $20 bill, to be issued in time for the 100th anniversary in 2020 of the Constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.”) [What are you doing lounging around the Palace? Go vote! -Ed.]

“You Grow Up Wanting to be Luke Skywalker, Then Realize You’ve Become a Stormtrooper for the Empire”. Crimmins, D. via Garret, Upriser (undated). [An amazing piece of writing from an Iraq veteran. -Ed.]

Scientists have discovered a simple way to cook rice that dramatically cuts the calories. Ferdman, R.A., The Washington Post (Mar. 2015).

France decrees new rooftops must be covered in plants or solar panelAgence France-Presse via The Guardian (Mar. 2015).

If Motivational Posters Were For People Who Hate People. Bailey, L., BuzzFeed (Feb. 2015). [I hate people, and I can attest that these posters are totally for me! -Ed.]

everyoneistheworstEven in nursing, no equal pay for women. Rapaport, L., Reuters (Mar. 2015).

Virtual reality is coming to sex, sports and Facebook. della Cava, M., USA Today (Mar. 2015). [h/t SJ]

Big Bank’s Analyst Worries That Iran Deal Could Depress Weapons Sales. Fang, L., The Intercept (Mar. 2015). [OH NOEZ!!! –Ed.]

Amazon’s trees removed nearly a third less carbon in last decade – study. Mathiesen, K., The Guardian (Mar. 2015). (“Fall in amount of carbon absorbed by rainforest means even greater cuts to manmade emissions are needed to combat climate change, warn scientists.”) [Today in We Are So Fucked. –Ed.]

Mother-Daughter Duo’s Photo Project Features 5-Year-Old as Iconic Black Women. Gilchrist, T., For Harriet (Mar. 2015). [Amazing and adorable. -Ed.]

If Purvi Patel delivered in hospital she could have declined neonatal care, but she delivered at home so faces jail. Gunter, J., Dr. Jen Gunter (Mar. 2015). (“So to be clear, had Ms. Patel delivered in a hospital she could have declined neonatal care had her baby been born alive. But because she delivered at home she is a criminal. Now tell me this wasn’t a reproductive witch hunt designed to both test the limits of Indiana law in curtailing reproductive rights and score points with pro-life donors and voters.”)

This Woman Says She Had A Miscarriage. Now She Could Face 70 Years In Prison. Culp-Ressler, T., Think Progress (Mar. 2015). (“Critics say there are a lot of issues with the way Patel’s case has unfolded over the past two years. For instance, Patel was first questioned in her hospital bed without a lawyer present. Expert witnesses could not come to consensus about the gestational age of her fetus. The prosecution relied on a highly unscientific method to try to determine whether her fetus was born dead or alive.”) [UPDATE: Purvi Patel was just sentenced to 30 years, with 10 suspended. -Ed.]

Two Cops Arrested for Beating 3-Month-Old Into Vegetative State; Baby Not Expected to Recover. Fairbanks, C., The Free Thought Project (Mar. 2015). [h/t Tony] [I can’t even. –Ed.]

Black Woman Locked In Psych Ward For 8 Days Because Cops Couldn’t Believe She’s A Businesswoman. Kerry-Anne, Addicting Info (Mar. 2015). [I. CAN’T. EVEN. –Ed.]

One Model Tried On 10 Different Pairs Of Size 16 Jeans And This Is What They Looked Like. Ospina, M.S., BuzzFeed (Jan. 2015).

This Photo Was Removed By Instagram. The Owner Writes A Powerful Open Letter In Response. Rupi Kaur via Chaudhary, S., Scoop Whoop (Mar. 2015).

Trillion Dollar Fraudsters. Krugman, P., The New York Times (Mar. 2015).

Shakespearean Insulter. [“Thou clouted fly-bitten boar-pig!” Hahaha. -Ed.]

Stunning Photos Reveal Beauty in Medicine. Live Science (Mar. 2015).

She’s back! Arizona legislator suggests church attendance should be mandatory. Mother Mags, Daily Kos (Mar. 2015). [Okay, player. –Ed.]

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For the Quote Collection:

I think America has the best assholes in the world. I defy the Belgians or the Japanese to produce something like a Donald Trump. –Matt Taibbi

Women have always been an equal part of the past. They just haven’t been part of history. –Gloria Steinem

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PLZ NOTE: Acquisition of links and/or bon mots for the Palace Library does not imply the Palace’s 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization or individual.