Squirrel rescuers: the worst of the worst.

[CONTENT NOTE: disgusting images of baby squirrels, descriptions of wildly inappropriate human-squirrel interactions.]

Goddammit.

Twenty years working wildlife rehab, and Kevin Barton has seen it all. Or he thought he had. At least until Hurricane Irma tore through Florida this week. It wasn’t the variety of species that grabbed his attention. It was the volume. Of utterly common critters, like bunnies and squirrels. Mainly squirrels.

By midweek, the Wildlife Rescue and Rehabilitation Center of Venice had accepted 140 baby squirrels, from week-old hairless “pinkies” to unweaned juveniles.

ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FUCKING SQUIRRELS. Yes, that’s what people rebuilding their lives from Irma’s devastation in Florida really need right now… more squirrels.

%$#@*&!

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Multiple squirrel attacks reported in New Orleans. UPDATED.

UPDATED BELOW.

[CONTENT NOTE: vicious squirrel violence.]

This is no way to start my morning. In a terrifying echo of July’s assaults in Brooklyn, residents of New Orleans are suffering unprovoked attacks by the enemy rodent menace:

Squirrels attack Lake Vista residents in at least 4 incidents

NEW ORLEANS – In the Lake Vista neighborhood of New Orleans, neighbors live along lush, tree-lined lanes in harmony with nature.

But, this week nature attacked.

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Beware aggressive, hostile, disease-ridden squirrels, Indiana University warns.

The Indianapolis Star reports:

Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis is warning about hostile and possibly disease-ridden squirrels.

“Recently, there have been reports of aggressive squirrels around the IUPUI campus,” IUPUI wrote in a Campus Life blog post July 25. “Squirrels may look cute, and they are fun to watch scampering about, but they should not be treated as pets.”

Good luck with that message, IUPUI. I’ve been desperately imploring my own mother for ten years to stop feeding the disgusting monsters, but she will. not. quit. (Then again, I’ve also been telling her I’m a fucking adult for at least twice that long, and she doesn’t accept that either. So.)

Squirrels are known to carry diseases, including rabies, salmonella and even plague, the university said. IUPUI advised students and workers to stop feeding the furry menaces.

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7-year old squirrel attack victim speaks out!

squirrlattackvictim7

Survivor of multiple violent murder attempts by enemy rodent menace.
(image: ABC-7 New York)

The 7-year old victim of multiple bite wounds from an unprovoked squirrel attack on Wednesday in Brooklyn has spoken to ABC-7 New York about her horrifying ordeal. Readers may recall from my post the other day that she is being subjected to a course of rabies treatment as a precaution, and was seriously traumatized by the relentless assault. “She is not OK,” her father Andres said. “Every night, she’s crying and scared. ‘Please papi, help me, the squirrel is coming, a big one.'”

Now, adorable little Maria Guerrero and her father have added more disturbing details to the terrifying tale:

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Vicious squirrel brutally attacks at least five people in Brooklyn.

[CONTENT NOTE: graphic image of squirrel bite injuries]

And here I was thinking I could enjoy a lazy, relaxing Sunday morning but nooooooo. As soon as I fired up my laptop this was the first thing I saw in my feed:

Prospect Park ‘aggressive’ squirrel attacks spark concerns of rabies exposure

At least five people were attacked by an “unusually aggressive” squirrel in Prospect Park, and the Health Department is urging anyone who’s recently been bitten to seek medical attention for potential rabies exposure.

O.O

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They’re hot on my trail!

[CONTENT NOTE: graphic image of child’s arm showing injuries after a squirrel attack.]

I read with alarm a terrifying story out of Jacksonville, Florida:

Young boy among 3 attacked by squirrels at Jacksonville park

Several people including a child are recovering after they were attacked by a squirrel at a park in Jacksonville.

:o

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Coincidence? I DON’T THINK SO.

South Berwick, Maine is a typical small New England town (pop. 7,220) just a stone’s throw from the New Hampshire border. At 97.5% white and solidly middle class, it sounds unexceptionally boring. In fact, the only thing that ever happens in South Berwick is a yearly “strawberry festival” held on its elementary school grounds. Highlights apparently include “shops, food, games and rides for children and trolley rides.”

*yawn*

Since virtually everyone else in the world completely ignores this dreadfully boring town, the squirrels have taken notice—and taken up residence. Indeed, South Berwick seems to be the ideal location for the enemy rodents to perfect their latest stealth technology: winter camouflage.

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WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Interview with Cyber Squirrel 1.

Well, now I’ve gone and done it. As my Many Tens of Loyal Readers™ know, I normally write non-fiction, satire, or some ungodly mashup of both. But lately I’ve found an interesting space to inhabit that bridges the real world with an imagined one. And…well, I wrote a short story. Go read it! Or, you know, don’t.

Either way, have a nice day.

palacehappyface

I must have been a VERY good girl.

Behold what the universe hath conspired to deliver up unto me: the skull of a ravaged squirrel.

squirrelskullwatermarkOkay, so technically it might not be the skull of a squirrel. How the hell would I know? I am not some kind of -ologist, people! Nevertheless, I am going to have to insist that it is indeed the skull of a squirrel, because it is just too perfect for my purposes. (Hey—conservatives make up their own facts all the fucking time. Why can’t I for once huh? HUH?)

And what might my diabolical purposes be, exactly? Well I wasn’t quite sure at first. But then I photographed it, the results of which you see above (watermarked). And I found it weirdly, oddly beautiful. Also kind of badass, you know? As in, evoking death and the transience of our mortal existence, or perhaps the face of some imagined alien being.

But of course what really, really pushes my button is that it’s a dead squirrel. Because let’s face it: the only good squirrel…is a dead squirrel. I ask you: could anything be more full of win?

Why, yes! Yes it can: its provenance.

__________

My Amazing Lover™ is the proud owner of a planting bed, one that sits beyond a slatted fence and just above street level. It’s full of lovely perennial plants like crocus, white tulips, pulmonaria and some waxy-leafed ground cover I gave him, extracted from the tiny yard behind my palace on Perry Street. He keeps it well weeded, watered and mulched. One day, he said there was something he wanted to show me in the planting bed. He pointed out the disembodied skull, which had a patch of gray-brown fur and some whiskers attached. “I think it’s from a squirrel,” he said.

OMG *swoon*.

The next day we discovered it had been moved, and now rested a foot or two away. The fur patch appeared to be significantly smaller, and I could no longer make out whiskers. By the following morning it had been moved once again, and picked clean by nocturnal scavengers. Circle of life, and all that.

I could not stop thinking about it, that small skull lying in the mulch. (I am super weird. FYI.) A few days passed. My Amazing Lover™ was on his way to me, and called to ask if I needed anything. “I need that squirrel skull,” I said. Like it was the most ordinary thing to ask for in the world.

“Okay.”

A few hours later, I was in possession of a clear ziploc bag containing my prized possession.

THAT’S RIGHT MY PARTNER BROUGHT ME A SKULL THAT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE FROM A SQUIRREL MAYBE.

If that is not the ultimate sign of deep and abiding love…well, I just don’t know what is.

__________

And because I am about nothing if not sharing the love, I plastered that skull all over a bunch of stuff at my online store, so you too can be part of the #deathtosquirrels revolution.

mugcompositesquirrelskullringWho needs pearls? You can have squirrels.

squirrelskullbandanaSubversive pocket square…
for all your formalwear occasions.

+ MOAR…!

For some reason my coffee tastes especially good this morning.

It’s so hard sometimes to find that perfect objet d’art. You know: a little accent piece that delivers just the right pop of color, sophistication and whimsy. People who know me will tell you I am a huge thrift shop junkie, but that can be a hit-or-miss endeavor: on some days, I’d swear a marauding swarm of squirrels (with exquisite taste) devours every awesome object from all the downtown thrifts right before I get there. Fuckers.

And so, forlorn and thwarted by cruel fate, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

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