Jeezus: domestic abuser at high risk to commit homicide.

[CONTENT NOTE: intimate partner violence and murder, suicide, abuse, harassment, rape.]

As readers surely recall, I am exceedingly proud of my half-assed, poorly-executed, highly irregular attempts to extract $82 billion worth of amusement every year from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of atheist U.S. taxpayers, on account of our government’s unconscionable $82 billion in annual taxpayer subsidies to the R-I-C. I humbly perform this service by mocking a particular church sign in the small town in Northern Maryland where my mother lives. Which, admittedly, I was already going to do anyway for my own amusement. It seems I can’t help myself.

Unfortunately this week’s sign offers scant opportunity for amusement: it simply informs us (yet again) that this Jeezus character is a creepy motherfucker who no decent person should ever wish to emulate. So instead of a good old-fashioned mocking, consider this installment an important public service announcement. Continue reading

Christ as colonic?

[CONTENT NOTE: discussion of fecal elimination and common problem associated therewith.]

As readers here may recall, I take tremendous pride in my half-assed, poorly executed, semi-regular attempts to extract $82 billion worth of amusement every year from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of atheist U.S. taxpayers. I perform this service 100% free of charge; it is my noble, selfless, one-woman protest of the appalling injustice that is $82 billion in yearly taxpayer subsidies to the R-I-C. Okay, it’s probably not much of a sacrifice on my part, because I happen to thoroughly enjoy mocking a particular church sign in the small town in Northern Maryland where my mother lives. Hey, someone has to do it.

And today’s sign is a doozy.

Continue reading

Jeezus is just not selling me on this one.

I take tremendous pride in my half-assed, semi-regular attempts to extract $82 billion worth of benefits per year from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of atheist U.S. taxpayers. I find this a worthwhile endeavor not only as a retort to the appalling injustice of $82 billion in yearly taxpayer subsidies to the R-I-C, but also because I thoroughly enjoy mocking one particular church sign in the small town in Northern Maryland where my mother lives. Granted, it may not provide the full $82 billion in amusement value. But we have to start somewhere, people.

Today’s church sign does not disappoint.

churchsignprescool

THE BEST THINGS IN
LIFE AREN’T THINGS
PRESCOOL
ENROLLING NOW

TRINITY WORSHIP 9&11

Now let me underscore here that literacy privilege is A Thing, and generally speaking we should not mock those who do not have it. Earth is home to an astonishing number of amazing and interesting people whose ideas are well worth engaging, even if spelling and grammar are not their personal forte. This could be true for any number of reasons that come to mind readily enough: learning disabilities; neurocognitive effects of injury, illness or environmental toxins; poor nutrition; mental illness, including trauma from homelessness or abuse; and of course late exposure to non-native English. But here in these exceptional United States we have another problem. My friend CaitieCat explains:

Particularly in a US context, where educational options are very strongly influenced by class (and race, in an intertwined manner), riding the xenophobes for misspelling ‘illegals’ as ‘illeagles’, or “Muslim” as “muslin”, what we’re saying is, “You should have been smart enough to get yourself born to the right kind of parents, who’d give you access to the best education, who were educated themselves enough to teach you ‘proper’ English, and who were rich enough to make sure you never had to work after school instead of studying!”

So yeah, let’s not do that. Tempting as it may be to go after the low-hanging fruit, we can and we damn well should mock xenophobes for being racist and conservative and terrible entitled assholes. This way, the splash damage splatters all over racists and conservatives and terrible entitled assholes, not shitty spellers. Really, that’s the very least of our problems with these humans.

With all that said, if you accept (tax-free!) tuition money to indoctrinate educate 3- and 4-year old kids, and your curriculum explicitly states “Our students are exposed to structured centers enhancing emergent literacy skills (reading & writing),” WE GET TO FUCKING MOCK YOU FOR SPELLING PRESCHOOL WRONG.

Have a nice day.

BREAKING: blogger unmoved to mock church sign.

Among my many selfless, patriotic and noble endeavors, probably the one in which I take the most pride is my half-assed semi-regular attempt to extract $82 billion worth of benefits from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of atheist U.S. taxpayers. I do this not only to counter the appalling injustice of $82 billion yearly taxpayer subsidies to the R-I-C, but also because I thoroughly enjoy mocking one particular church sign in the small town in Northern Maryland where my mother lives. Okay, I’m probably (definitely) motivated more by the latter than the former, but so fucking what? That just means this exercise is chock full of WIN. :D

Last week, here stood the aforementioned sign in all its glory.

churchsign

LIFE HURTS
           GOD HEALS
TRINITY WORSHIP 9&11

To be fair, this is not exactly the church sign person’s best work. IMHO their best work is when the sign mocks itself, and I don’t have to do anything but point at it. But what struck me about the message is this god’s display of classic red flags for abuse. (And not for the first time, either.) He sounds like the (equally mythical) drug pusher, deliberately creating in the first place the very problem that only he can solve. It’s a douche move.

Still, for some reason I just cannot be arsed to put any effort whatsoever into mocking it. :|

Oh look! It’s happy hour!

palacehappyface

Church sign disappoints; Iris ups her game.

Loyal Readers™ will no doubt recall the Palace’s noble mission to extract $82 billion worth of benefits from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of U.S. taxpayers, on account of our $82 billion yearly taxpayer subsidies to same. Our primary means of accomplishing this feat is amusing ourselves by regularly mocking a particular church sign in the small town where my mother lives. Sadly, this week the sign displayed nothing mock-worthy: it just announced a “love and hope gathering” or some shit on Friday night at the town’s little park. So it went ignored and I forgot about it.

Until, that is, I happened to be making my way to a pub across the street from that little park last night around 6:45. And wouldn’t you know it, just as we arrived at the front steps, my Amazing Lover™ had to take a phone call, so I wandered over to the edge of the park to give him some privacy and kill some time. Now I had assumed that whatever went on in Trinity United Methodist Church was just your typical liberal Christian, happy-clappy, hippie-Jeezus shenanigans. After all, from what I’ve observed the congregants seem friendly, the church runs a food pantry, and they at least try (but fail) to be cute and clever with the sign from which we have derived so much merriment. Imagine my surprise, then, to hear a rabid woman barking into a microphone all Palin-style: “When I was in high school, we prayed to god every day! And no one was killing each other! We need to put god back in our schools!” she shrieked. Enthusiastic applause erupted from the crowd of a hundred or so Whitey McWhitepersons, and the barking woman directed everyone to sign the petition being handed around.

Oh, boy, I said to myself as I leaned up against a post, wishing desperately that I had brought popcorn. This is going to be soooo fucking good.

Next up was a gregarious d00d in jeans and a bright blue t-shirt neatly tucked into his belt. He was introduced as coming from some other church, “and he drove an hour to be here tonight!” I thought that was weird, but people seemed to love it and clapped as he took the mic. His spiel turned out to be about…faith healing.

In the Year of Our Lard twenty fucking fifteen.

Oh, how he went on and on about personally witnessing cancer and brain tumors and all sorts of horrible maladies cured by the miraculous power of prayer. “And please, if anyone is having any kind of health problems, or anger issues, do not hesitate to contact me, or any member of the prayer team! We can help! Can I get an Amen?” He got about a hundred Amens. (Wait, anger issues…? I had a powerful urge to shout.)

The announcer said that some kind of musical skit would be performed next, and various people shuffled around the little bandshell setting the stage. I was sure this was going to be a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle worthy of a Christopher Guest mockumentary, but now I’ll never know because of what happened next.

It turned out that the faith healer d00d had parked his car right next to the post upon which my arse was resting. (A sign from the heavens! A goddamn miracle!) He loaded something in the back and was about to walk back to the gathering when I said, “Hey, are you the faith healer?”

“I’m one of them, yes,” he said, and came closer.

“Why doesn’t god heal amputees?”

“Excuse me?”

“I said, how come god never heals amputees?”

“He does!”

“No, he doesn’t. Have you ever seen it?”

“Well no, I haven’t personally, but other people have!”

“No, they haven’t. Humans don’t regrow limbs.”

“There is plenty of witness testimony, and you can find it online!”

“People say a lot of things online that aren’t true. They believe all sorts of stuff that just isn’t true. Like humans regrowing limbs, for instance.” Christ, had this d00d ever even been online?

“You just have to have faith!” he said, which was sort of a non sequitur, kind of like that drove-an-hour-to-be-here-tonight thing.

“But see, I want to know why god only heals diseases that sometimes go into spontaneous remission anyway. Don’t you think that’s a little convenient?”

“I have seen deaf ears opened! Prayer works!”

“No, it doesn’t. Nothing fails like prayer. You know, people can actually study whether prayer works, and they have. It doesn’t work.”

“I have seen deaf ears opened,” he repeated. “Have you?”

“Okay, ears don’t ‘open.’ That’s not how ears work. Just like regrowing limbs is not how humans work. And a lot of people, especially veterans, could really use god’s help. An octopus can regrow limbs, though! An axolotls! Not humans, though.”

He shook his head sadly, as if I deserved nothing from him but pity, and perhaps scorn. I got the feeling that no one ever challenged him on much of anything. He was quiet for a moment, then he looked like he was about to say something. But I was done.

“Good luck healing those amputees!” I chirped cheerily as I turned and walked back to the pub.

I wondered if he would even give a passing thought to our conversation. Then I giggled as the thought crossed my mind that maybe he got himself all worked up and figured me for Satan Herself, tempting him with sinful, delicious doubt, with many a sleepless night ahead of him. Shit, that’s the least these hardcore Christians deserve for terrifying little kids with stories of hell. But seriously, my sincere hope is that I planted just the tiniest seed of skepticism that would continue to grow and itch like a motherfucker until he finds the only balm to soothe it: the truth.

Because the truth is that people die, little kids die, for no fucking reason but belief in faith healing.

I don’t really get many opportunities like this. (Hey, I live among the godless heathens of the West Village for a reason, people.) But rest assured that when I do, I fully intend to make the most of them.

$82 billion worth.

Church sign confirms: Jeezus is an @$$hole.

 

 

[CONTENT NOTE: vulgarity & blasphemy—2 great tastes that taste great together!]

houses&shopsThe town where my mother lives is a Maryland historic site, a tiny storybook village of mostly clapboard homes dating to the 1830s and housing adorable shops, charming inns and a handful of surprisingly good restaurants. Most of the structures look to be in good repair, but looks can be deceiving: poor insulation, termite damage, antique electrical wiring and problems with ancient pipes are compounded by the local historic commission’s refusal to allow modern materials to be used for exterior restoration. Wood windows and doors shrink and swell with the seasons, and leaky roofs are a year-round worry.

IMG_0356

Look at these fucking icicles.

Since our last report barely two weeks ago on the town’s infamous church sign, the sky gods have been dumping nearly unprecedented amounts of snow, sleet and freezing rain here—over 10 inches of snow in February alone. Like New York City, the temperatures have been plunging into the single digits, and bouncing back just long enough to melt a fraction of the apparently permanent piles of hard-packed snow and dirty ice, only to refreeze it. Many sidewalks and street crossings are treacherous, and residents have been experiencing an alarming number of freezing and bursting pipes. As I write, there is presently a winter storm warning in effect for snow, sleet and freezing rain from 10 AM today until 4 AM tomorrow. 1-3 more inches of snow are expected, along with ice accumulations of a quarter to a third of an inch. Travel is expected to be “very hazardous or impossible.” From the dining room window I can see the snow falling already.

And what, pray tell, is our favorite church sign’s inspirational message today?

jesuslovesyousnowmuchJESUS LOVES YOU
SNOW MUCH!

What. The everloving. Fuck.

Loyal Readers™ will recall my recently pointing out that this Jeezus is undeniably an unrepentant asshole. If these Christian types are to be believed, his positions on social issues are grotesque (virulently misogynist, racist, homophobic, anti-democratic and otherwise downright inhumane), and his economic policies are all about screwing over poor and working people in order to further enrichen the obscenely rich. If all of that weren’t bad enough—and it is—he keeps on telling epic doucheweasels like Dubya, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Scott Walker to run for office. He is not even an American citizen, and has no business interfering in our electoral politics. Unbelievable.

But this snow thing? Well this should put an end to all doubts that he is anything other than a sadistic monster who enjoys creating misery for us and then making fucking jokes about it. Talk about punching down! If this keeps up, it will become exceedingly more difficult to complete our mission of extracting $82 billion worth of amusement we are owed from the Religion-Industrial-Complex every year by mocking that church sign.

Meanwhile, here’s a sign of my own:

palacefuckyouFUCK YOU, JEEZUS.

Your days are numbered. The goddess Ostara arrives to kick your ass in less than three weeks.

Church sign off to a rip-roaring start in 2015.

Loyal Readers™ will no doubt recall the Palace’s ongoing mission to extract $82 billion worth of benefits from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of U.S. taxpayers, on account of our $82 billion yearly taxpayer subsidies to same. One of the ways we accomplish this is amusing ourselves by regularly mocking a particular church sign in the small town where my mother lives. Since our last report we may have missed out on one or two iterations, although I can tell you that over the holidays the sign only showed listings of times and dates for church services. But this weekend, we were served up a doozy:

churchsign022015GOD IS RICH,
BECAUSE HE SAVES!

Christ. Where to even begin.

At the outset it’s critical to note that this particular god d00d has a long-running scam whereby he “saves” people from himself. That’s right: he so despises his very own creations—humans—that he unleashes the most sadistic and unconscionable punishments imaginable on them (and on generations of their innocent descendants), just for doing exactly the things he knows in advance with 100% certainty they will do. I’m sorry but that is just not the behavior of any deity dignified enough to worship; that is the behavior of a spoiled toddler throwing a temper tantrum because he doesn’t get his way and then smashing all of his own toys. Now to be fair, I pretty much despise people too. But see, the difference is that I don’t go around torturing and murdering them with wild abandon, insisting they obey my every command, demanding they sacrifice their children to me, or prohibiting them from eating shrimp. Shrimp are fucking delicious, people.

shrimpcocktailJumbo shrimp cocktail
Even people I despise should feel free to enjoy this appetizer.

Worse, all of those hideous punishments were still not enough to satisfy this evil fucker. Can you believe it? Plagues, stonings, drownings, you name it, yet people still told him to fuck right off, and clearly for good reason. So he decided he had to come up with the most cruel and sadistic penalty ever devised: hell. For the “sin” of disobeying this capricious monster obsessed with sexual behavior that is nobody else’s business, violent conquests and wanton slaughter (and shrimp), you get to burn in a lake of fire—forever. Meanwhile, the only alternative to this unfortunate fate is spending eternity with the sick puppy himself, along with a whole bunch of shitty people who think he’s the bee’s knees. Oh, and the ticket to get into this perpetual shitshow? You have to actually believe that the creator of the entire universe sent his own son (who is also himself) to Earth to sacrifice himself to himself so that he could, finally, forgive humans for being exactly as disappointing to himself as he made them. WHAT. No wonder atheists take such great comfort in knowing that death is merely oblivion.

There’s a funny saying that goes: if you don’t sin, then Jeezus died in vain. Hahaha. Seriously though, I cannot swallow this whole story for numerous reasons, one of which is the same reason that the joke doesn’t really work: according his own autobiography, Jeezus did not die. He did not die for my sins, or for anyone else’s either. He had a really rough weekend, after which he strolled around for a while punking a bunch of people, and then flew up into the sky to become king (co-king?) of the entire universe forever and ever. That is the opposite of dying.

Anyway, back to this church sign. This god is rich? Really? Why would the omnipotent ruler of the universe need money, much less a fuckton of it? Maybe it’s a new ploy he’s trying to get everybody finally paying attention and worshiping him. After all, the American Dream Nightmare™ is based upon the principle that if anyone just works hard enough (bootstraps!) they too will become rich; and therefore, if they are indeed rich, they must be Super Special Bootstrappin’ Snowflakes who deserve to be rich, admired, sucked up to and emulated. It doesn’t matter that the bootstrap myth is utterly and demonstrably false—I mean, my fellow citizens are world renowned for believing in all manner of ridiculous nonsense, so the whole “I’m rich! do what I say!” thing is probably worth a shot.

And truth be told, a lot of rich people are ginormous assholes too, so saying “the Christian god is rich” sounds about right. See for yourself:

Donald Trump is rich
because his daddy created a real estate empire

The Koch Brothers are rich
because their daddy created an oil refining empire

The Walton family is rich
because their daddies created a retail empire

Dr. Oz is rich
because he sells snake oil and bad medical advice

Wall Street traders are rich
because they are more reckless and manipulative than incarcerated psychopaths

All of which is to say that if this god is rich, that’s probably one more excellent reason to stay far, far away from him.

Church sign tragedy turns to triumph!

Loyal Readers™ will recall the Palace’s ongoing mission to extract $82 billion in benefits from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of U.S. taxpayers, on account of our $82 billion yearly taxpayer subsidies to same. One of the ways we accomplish this is amusing ourselves by regularly mocking a particular church sign in the small town where my mother lives.

The lazy church sign person(s) left the same sign up for weeks after our last report until only recently: it now reads “SIGN GUY ON VACATION. MESSAGE INSIDE,” with an arrow pointing to the church. Much as we love mocking these people, there is no fucking way we are going inside that massive monument to ignorance just for some easy blog fodder. Not even for you, our beloved Many Tens of Loyal Readers™.

But all is not lost! As if he could sense across the many miles that separate us our aching disappointment in Trinity United Methodist Church for its unconscionable failure to entertain us, Loyal Subject™ SJ sent us a picture of a different church sign. And the best part? It had already been mocked.

evolutionlieEVOLUTION IS A LIE.

__________

The mocker(s) affixed a sign of their own:

IF YOU HAVE EVIDENCE
TO DISPROVE
EVOLUTION…
THEN WRITE IT DOWN,
GET IT PEER REVIEWED
& COLLECT YOUR
NOBEL PRIZE.

We could not have mocked it better ourselves. Bravo.

Church sign trickery.

[NOTE: sexual content; wanton blasphemy.]

Loyal Readers™ will no doubt recall the Palace’s ongoing mission to extract $82 billion in benefits from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of U.S. taxpayers, on account of our $82 billion yearly taxpayer subsidies to same. One of the ways we accomplish this is amusing ourselves by regularly mocking a particular church sign in the small town where my mother lives.

This one’s fresh off the godbot brain:

seegodchurchsignDO OTHERS SEE GOD
THROUGH YOUR LOVE?

Hmm. Well sometimes others have claimed to see god when I fuck them. Does that count? Hell, even I am not immune from that delusion myself! But I’m going to have to say no, on account of there being no actual gods to, you know, see. So that’s my final answer.

Wait, was this a trick question?