This is your brain on conservatism: Alabama edition.

I’m pretty sure by now everyone and their mother has heard the shocking (hahaha soooo not shocking) allegations about Alabama Asshat Roy Moore’s sexual misconduct with a 14 year old girl, back when he was a 32-year-old assistant district attorney. But just in case you need a little background refresher about the Republican candidate for U.S. Senate:

Moore has been removed twice as chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court for refusing to follow federal court orders related to the separation of church and state. He argues unabashedly that his personal interpretation of the Bible trumps the U.S. Supreme Court’s interpretation of the Constitution. In 2003, he disregarded a court order to remove a Ten Commandments monument from the state judicial building. In 2016, he was suspended after trying to block the implementation of the SCOTUS ruling that legalized same-sex marriage.

The d00d makes your typical bible-thumpin’ theocrat seem like PZ Myers by comparison.

Unfortunately, in the wake of these serious allegations (and those of three other women who say that as teens they too were preyed upon by Moore), everyone is being extremely boring and doing exactly what we expect:

  • Establishment Republicans,” so-called because they are not True BelieverTM berserkers like Moore and work only on behalf of themselves and their paymasters, are all publicly pretending to distance themselves. Just as they pretended with Trump when the Access Hollywood tape surfaced during the presidential campaign, before turning right around and publicly supporting him. Just like they pretended when Todd “legitimate rape” Akin, who they all denounced before quietly funding his campaign to the tune of $1 million. Picture Senators Mitch McConnell, Jeff Flake, David Perdue, John Thune, Cory Gardner, Pat Toomey and John McCain et al. all condemning Moore in the Strongest Possible Terms – but only IF the allegations are true.
  • Trump weighed in by way of his press secretary: “Like most Americans, the president does not believe we can allow a mere allegation, in this case one from many years ago, to destroy a person’s life…However, the president also believes that if these allegations are true, Judge Moore will do the right thing and step aside.” IF.
  • Pence, according to his spokesperson, “found the allegations in the story disturbing and believes, if true, this would disqualify anyone from serving in office.” IF.
  • Sean Hannity of Faux News infamy said Moore’s actions are “beyond reprehensible” – IF they are true.
  • Steve Bannon, former chief White House strategist now running Breitfart, wrote off the whole story as a smear campaign.
  • Kay Ivey, Alabama’s Republican governor, said the allegations are “deeply disturbing,” but of course she intends to withhold judgment until “we know the facts.”

Here are the faces of Roy Moore’s prey the four lying liars who all of these esteemed conservatives suggest could be, you know, lying.

roymooretargets

Leigh Corfman, left, in a photo from 1979, when she was about 14. At right, from top, Wendy Miller around age 16, Debbie Wesson Gibson around age 17 and Gloria Thacker Deason around age 18. (Family photos) [via Washington Post.]

Down in Alabama meanwhile, support for Moore is considerably less tepid than hinting nonchalantly that Moore’s accusers are making shit up:

  • William Blocker, Covington County GOP Chairman, told a reporter he would “still consider voting Moore even if hard proof of sexual abuse emerged.”
  • Jerry Pow, Bibb County Republican Party Chairman, also said he would vote for Moore even if it was proven he committed a sex crime against an underage girl.
  • Jonathan P. Gray, Alabama Republican consultant: “I think it was already perfectly well stated that no one in Alabama gives a s— what Mitch McConnell or John McCain thinks we should do.”
  • Paul Reynolds, Republican National Committeeman from Alabama, said he trusts Vladimir Putin more than Moore’s accusers.

See what I mean? EVERYONE IS BORING. All conservatives ever seem to spew is the same old blather we’ve all come to expect here in our great rapetocracy. Frankly, I can barely be arsed to mock this shit anymore. *yawn*

Except… one guy. Yes, in this crowded field of prominent and powerful two-faced Republican rape apologists, one man stands apart – with a big target painted on his forehead as if branded there by Zeus himself just for me. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Alabama State Auditor Jim Zeigler!

The most remarkable pushback came from Alabama State Auditor Jim Zeigler, who dismissed the allegations by saying that there was also an age gap between the biblical Joseph and Mary. “Mary was a teenager and Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus,” he told The Washington Examiner. “There’s just nothing immoral or illegal here.”

OMG it’s…it’s…the Mary and Joseph defense! I haven’t heard anything that hilarious since the OJ trial! Now I’m not 100% sure who Roy Moore is supposed to be in this analogy. Not the teenage Mary obviously, although like her he does think it’s his personal calling to bring Jeezus into the world to rule over it. At first glance it appears he’d be Jeezus’s baby daddy Joseph, right? An older d00d fucking a young teenager, which is PERFECTLY OKAY BECAUSE JEEZUS. Except the mythical Mary n’ Joseph were married, as in the sanctified union of holy matrimony, which was and still is kind of a Big Deal for conservatives, especially Roy Moore. So the Mary n’ Joseph situation is entirely unlike, say, 14 year old Leigh Corfman being pawed at by 32 year old Assistant District Attorney of Alabama Roy fucking Moore. Maybe Zeigler instead meant that Moore is like baby Jeezus? Or that awful god fellow who deliberately impregnated a young teenager?

I HAZ A CONFUZED. : /

Zeigler said the allegations, even if true, are “much ado about nothing.” As part of his defense, he argued that Moore “fell in love with one of the younger women” and noted that the woman he wound up marrying later on is 14 years younger than him. “There is nothing to see here,” Zeigler said, predicting that voters would be angrier at The Washington Post for writing the story than at Moore for his behavior.

Okay, Ziegler definitely has a point here. Not about whether Moore is a disgusting creep or not – he is – but about Alabama voters being angrier at the Post than at Moore. These would be the same Alabama voters who elect their judges, and keep right on electing epic dickwad Roy Moore to the bench. This is not surprising: in Alabama last November, Republican candidates won every single federal race they ran against a Democrat – including Admitted Sexual-Predator-in-Chief Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton by nearly 30 points. Nor is sexual misconduct by self-righteous, sex-obsessed right-wing douchebros like Moore the least bit surprising; hell, it’s practically their calling card.

Roy Moore himself of course denies all wrongdoing, blaming the “Obama-Clinton Machine’s liberal media lapdogs” and other nefarious “forces of evil” who want to “silence and shut up Christian conservatives” and wage “an all-out war on our conservative values!”

Well, since “conservative values” apparently include sexual predation of minors, disbelieving credible accounts of sexual abuse – or worse, believing them and not giving a shit, holding dehumanizing views of LGBTQ people and proudly wiping your ass with the U.S. Constitution you swore (on a bible!) to uphold, then yes, I think an all-out war is in order to keep Roy Moore from a U.S. Senate seat.

Then again, I AM EVIL. Bwahahahaha!

happydevil

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