Multiple squirrel attacks reported in New Orleans. UPDATED.


[CONTENT NOTE: vicious squirrel violence.]

This is no way to start my morning. In a terrifying echo of July’s assaults in Brooklyn, residents of New Orleans are suffering unprovoked attacks by the enemy rodent menace:

Squirrels attack Lake Vista residents in at least 4 incidents

NEW ORLEANS – In the Lake Vista neighborhood of New Orleans, neighbors live along lush, tree-lined lanes in harmony with nature.

But, this week nature attacked.

“All of a sudden I felt something on my back and it was a squirrel,” Gary Prechter said. “I grabbed it and I flung it down on the lane and it turned around and came back at me. It attached itself to my ankle and started biting me and scratching me and I tried to get it off as best I could.”

Astute readers will recall that this is the exact same M.O. as the squirrel that attacked little Maria Guerrero in July. Coincidence? OH I THINK NOT. Now I’m not saying it was the same squirrel involved in both incidents – that would be ridiculous. But the two may very well have trained together in the same squirrel terrorist camps. Just sayin’…

Prechter is one of at least four people who’ve had violent encounters with Lake Vista neighborhood squirrels in recent days.

The pastor at St. Pius Catholic Church confirms two women were attacked in his parking lot after Sunday mass.

Another man was reportedly assaulted by a squirrel that managed to get into his house.

Breaking and entering, what a shocker.

“I’m telling everybody in the neighborhood beware of the squirrels,” Prechter said. “Don’t feed them any longer. They’re not you’re friend.”

Don’t feed them any longer? &%$(@#?! WELL I THINK WE CAN ALL SPOT THE PROBLEM HERE. JFC. At least he finally had some sense bitten into him.

Prechter is now receiving a painful series of shots for rabies as a precaution.

“I paid my daughter ten bucks to take the garbage out to the lane because I’m not going outside,” Prechter said. “I’m wearing boots and long pants to my series of rabies shots set in and then I’m ready to take on the world.”

This poor man. He has to endure excruciating rabies treatment, and is terrified to leave his own house! He doesn’t seem to understand that he is simply no match for the Sciuridae – none of us are. Also: ten bucks to take the trash out? Outrageous! I think it’s pretty obvious his daughter is working with the fucking squirrels in this extortion plot. For shame!

The staff at St. Pius reported the incident involving the two parishioners to New Orleans Animal Control which is now taking steps to trap the offenders.

The city is looking for two squirrels of interest, living not far from the church

Once they are caught, the state veterinarian has agreed to test them for rabies.

How magnanimous. And brave!

And as usual, the money quote is aaaall the way at the end of the article, paragraph 16 out of 16.

A city spokeswoman passed on some advice on how to live with nature.

She said keep your distance and don’t feed wild animals, it desensitizes there natural instinct to steer clear of humans.

I’m going back to bed.


Three squirrels have been apprehended and the number of attacks by the animals in Lake Vista may be as high as six, including one that was caught on camera.

This time, a weak-ass suggestion from a local expert that feeding squirrels just might be a terrible fucking idea appears in the second-to-last paragraph.

Claudia Riegel of the Mosquito, Termite and Rodent Control Board said the aggressive squirrels are probably the result of people feeding them.

Gosh, ya think?

2 thoughts on “Multiple squirrel attacks reported in New Orleans. UPDATED.

  1. Obviously this is a result of the decadent gay lifestyle rampant in New Orleans. Let’s see if Ann Coulter adds anything to the discussion 😊

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