Beware aggressive, hostile, disease-ridden squirrels, Indiana University warns.

The Indianapolis Star reports:

Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis is warning about hostile and possibly disease-ridden squirrels.

“Recently, there have been reports of aggressive squirrels around the IUPUI campus,” IUPUI wrote in a Campus Life blog post July 25. “Squirrels may look cute, and they are fun to watch scampering about, but they should not be treated as pets.”

Good luck with that message, IUPUI. I’ve been desperately imploring my own mother for ten years to stop feeding the disgusting monsters, but she will. not. quit. (Then again, I’ve also been telling her I’m a fucking adult for at least twice that long, and she doesn’t accept that either. So.)

Squirrels are known to carry diseases, including rabies, salmonella and even plague, the university said. IUPUI advised students and workers to stop feeding the furry menaces.

YES! “Furry menaces” is exactly right! You know, I never thought much of Indianapolis, but it has at least one university and one reporter at a major newspaper who are not under the spell of the evil enemy rodents. Color me impressed.

“If fed by humans often enough, they will stop foraging for their own food and will rely on humans,” the university said.

When squirrels get used to being fed, they lose their fear and start approaching people for a hand out.

If they don’t get food, the university said, the squirrels may attack.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND MOM.

Of course the Sciuridae do not necessarily attack the squirrel feeders treasonous enemy collaborators themselves, but innocent victims like little Maria Guerrero instead.

squirrlattackvictim7squirrelbites

Maria Guerrero was viciously attacked by a squirrel three times in Brooklyn. She was one of at least five victims. 

Obviously, the most important takeaway from this Indianapolis Star story is that when the coming Squirrelpocalypse descends upon us like a biblical (and actual!) plague, humans who remain unaffected by the enemy rodent’s cuteness superpowers may still find a safe refuge and organized resistance movement in Indianapolis. Of all places!

See you there.

indianapolis

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