Loyal Readers™ will no doubt recall our urgent call to action to defend against the terrorist menace that is the rodent Sciuridae. Nothing less is at stake than humanity’s survival of the imminent squirrelpocalypse. And as usual, the mainstream media is completely ignoring the real threat to our country in favor of those douchey ISIS punks and breathless clash-of-civilizations rhetoric worthy of the world’s worst action movie. (You know: one that ends with the hunky defense contracting consultant and gorgeous lady venture capitalist ultimately prevailing to save the day, thereby bringing about endless millennia of harmonious peace, abundance and FREEDOM™ for the sake of all!!!11!!!!)
But we are not shoveling that shit here. No. Not when it has come to our attention that the fucking squirrels have recently developed weaponry so astonishing, it threatens to disrupt the very fabric of spacetime itself. An elite investigative journalism outlet called ZOO Magazine surreptitiously obtained a photo of one of the little beasties doing what can only be described as unprecedented. Yes, that’s right: water bending.
Apparently our enemies have engineered enhancements to their brains such that they can defy the laws of physics using only the sheer force of their minds. WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE THEY ARE NOW CAPABLE OF.
So to briefly recap what we know:
- Arson. Fire officials declared a grass fire was started by a squirrel willing to die for its cause. Fortunately no one was hurt—this time.
- Destroying critical infrastructure. At least two other squirrels committed suicide in order to disrupt the power grid, leaving thousands without power. (We suspect the arson may have been another attempt that failed.)
- Biological weapons. The squirrels are spreading the fucking plague to humans.
- Wanton lawlessness. There is no level of depravity to which the terrorist squirrels will not sink: breaking and entering, nut heists and liquor thefts, eating giant snakes head first, even targeting a community center (!).
And now this.
With little attention being paid to our impending doom and no serious efforts under way to mobilize against these formidable foes, I fear it may already be too late to save ourselves. But rest assured that the Palace will not go down to these fuckers without one hell of a fight. And stay tuned for further developments.
Have a nice day.