[CONTENT NOTE: sexual objectification. By Your Humble Monarch™. On purpose. The images are fine; the text is moderately explicit = NSFW.]
A well-known quote attributed to various sources holds that “Washington is Hollywood for ugly people.” It sure seems intuitively true: whatever aesthetics may be on offer when they pose for their portraits in front of flags, successful politicians are a special breed with a very specific skill set, one that ultimately renders them repellant in the extreme: e.g. a propensity for spewing platitudes and weasel words without saying anything meaningful, a willingness to relentlessly hondle people for cash, and a narcissistic appetite for the spotlight and a captive audience without being anywhere near entertaining enough to warrant the slightest bit of attention. Now that I think about it, politicians are more like clergy than Hollywood actors—and let’s just say Loyal Readers™ will have no trouble discerning how revolting we find clergy ferchrissakes.*
All of which is why I was a bit miffed to find a link to Sexy Congress posted to my Facebook wall by my friend Tony (who else?). The site purports to rate members of Congress on their hawtness, which is problematic for reasons even beyond those I mentioned above. For one thing, the gender binary is alive and well: your menu choices of sex partners are restricted to “Women Only / Men Only / Both.” I suppose this is to be expected in a realm that is as deeply conservative, superficial and publicly policed as the US Congress: unfortunately, non-conforming individuals are all too easy to weed out in the electoral process by political opponents. I mean, can you imagine some congressman showing up at the Capitol on casual Fridays in a sundress and strappy sandals? Or a masculine-of-center congresswoman rocking a tux instead of a gown at a White House state dinner? Of course not. The public would have themselves a giant, collective shit, and the press would only be too happy to encourage it with great gusto. People suck.
But that is hardly my biggest issue with Sexy Congress. Sexualizing men (heteronormatively) adds to their existing social status and power, whereas sexualizing women diminishes theirs:
A recent study found that showing men pictures of sexualized women evokes less activity in areas of the brain responsible for mental state attribution—that is, the area of the brain that becomes active when we think we are looking at an entity capable of thought and planned action. Other studies have found similar results. When men see body shots of women as compared with face shots, they judge women to be less intelligent, likeable, ambitious and competent.
No one will reduce a powerful congressman’s entire worth to that of an incompetent, not-so-bright fuck toy because he is a hottie horndog, not even unconsciously. Women do not exactly fare as well, to put it mildly. Did I mention people suck? FYI: people suck.
So for all of these reasons, my immediate response to Tony was—and I quote—”EEEEEEEEW.”
Apparently unfazed by my succinct and eloquent retort, Tony insisted that there were indeed many good choices (“I found 10 future husbands in the list”) and challenged me to
find that number myself. And if I would show him mine, so-to-speak, he’d show me his.
Now, I have an unfair advantage over Tony, because I am not limited to men with respect to people I find sexually attractive. And since this entire exercise is a fantasy about who I would have sex with—in an alternate universe where I could somehow get past all those repulsive clergy parallels, and My Amazing Lover™ did not exist—I am including women in my top ten. Yes, I understand I am Ruining Feminism®, and I take full responsibility for that.
I am also sexually attracted to people who, regardless of gender, do not fit cultural standards of “conventionally attractive.” This probably has some relation to my being kinky, but it is also just a fact that I have found many people sexually attractive who exude a natural confidence, an interesting sense of humor compatible with mine, and a certain kind of intelligence (i.e. intellectually curious, informed, open-minded, witty, creative, reality-based…), regardless of their physical attributes. But these kinds of personality-based traits would be impossible for me to detect in 535 members of Congress without reviewing hundreds of hours of extremely boring video footage, if even then.
After further consultations between us, Tony and I agreed that we could take into consideration factors such as spite fucking—that is, so thoroughly ravaging your enemies that they will remain perpetually disappointed with every other sex partner they will ever have for the rest of their miserable lives. And of course it would be fair to deploy the use of ball gags, ear buds or other means of ensuring that these motherfuckers cannot ruin our enjoyment of the experience by saying something terrible, like asking for campaign contributions or expounding on the merits of neoliberalism.
So with all of these caveats in mind, here is my list of the sexiest critters of the 114th Congress.
Oh, and my safe word is “Snowden.”
Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA)
Swalwell seems fun. He not only posts silly pics of himself with Etch-a-Sketch self-portraits, he also holds the impressive distinction of being the first person to Vine his vote from the House floor.
“When House @GOP try to roll back health protections for women, this is how I vote. #WarOnWomen” -Eric Swalwell
Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI)
Tulsi Gabbard is a badass. Not only is she a serious surfer, Gabbard enlisted in the Hawaii Army National Guard after 9/11 and served two combat tours in the Middle East. She’s also a practicing Hindu, which, you know…about the best I can say about that is at least it has girl gods. I’d really like to salute you, Congresswoman. Repeatedly. If you catch my drift.
Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ)
Booker earned a BA in political science and an MA in sociology at Stanford, an honors degree in US history as a Rhodes Scholar at Queen’s College, Oxford, and his JD at Yale. Senator Smarty Pants is a sharp dresser, and easy with a smile. Although he has neither confirmed nor denied persistent rumors that he’s gay, I am going on the record here and saying that I am not adverse to him bringing a date to our tryst. At all. YUMMY.
Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)
Gillibrand strikes me as…well, classy. With her, I envision a romantic date where we go shopping for dresses and lingerie on Madison Avenue and make out in all the dressing rooms. We both buy classic black Louboutin pumps, and have our driver stop to pick up a couple bottles of 1975 Dom Perignon Oenotheque on the way back to my suite at the Crosby Street Hotel. Later we fall asleep in each other’s arms wearing nothing but the pumps. After a few hours we wake up hungry, so we sneak out to hit a dive bar on the Lower East Side for a late night dinner of Spanish tapas. Back at the hotel, we giggle all night watching 80s movies.
TL;dr: Hit me up on my cell Kirsten, so I can ruin all your future sexual encounters with men.
Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL)
Schock is a Republican, so it won’t surprise anyone that he is a lying, scheming shitweasel who had to resign from Congress in March under the weight of a massive corruption scandal. (That means he still technically qualifies as a member of the 114th Congress, just sayin’.) The feds have opened a “preliminary investigation” into his reprehensible activities, but in the meantime, before he goes to jail or anything, I wish to invoke both the spite fuck and the ball gag exemptions, as I introduce him to the fine art of vigorous pegging.
Donna Edwards (D-MD)
Before running for Congress, Edwards co-founded and served as the first executive director of the National Network to End Domestic Violence. She also gets major props from me for getting herself arrested outside the Sudanese embassy during a 2009 protest against the Darfur genocide and the blocking of aid to victims. But never mind all of that—this woman is drop dead gorgeous THE END.
Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-CA)
Rep. Judy Chu (D-CA)
Chu is the first Chinese American woman elected to Congress. She has a B.A. in mathematics and a Ph.D. in psychology and blah blah blah…She’s just really pretty, has a great smile and rocks amazing haircuts.
Why don’t you say hello to your California colleague Mr. Swalwell, Congresswoman? Perhaps the three of us can get together sometime. I think we might have a few things to talk about…
Sen. John Thune (R-SD)
Thune is an unrepentant Republican and therefore obviously the absolute worst. He is also a tall drink of water, and wears well-fitting suits. I’m definitely invoking the spite fuck exemption here, but I’m reserving the right to a ball gag for now—I’m kinda digging the thought of him turning out to be really good at talking dirty to me.
Rep. Beto O’Rourke (D-TX)
O’Rourke’s got a bit of a checkered past, including arrests for burglary and DUI; he was also a singer and guitarist in a touring rock band in the early 90s. He’s been an outspoken critic of the failed Drug War. He looks like he could be the love child of a young Bobby Kennedy and mid-career Hugh Grant, if that were, you know, A Thing. I can’t seem to stop myself from wondering whether he and Rep. Swalwell might be up for a double date—if you’re catching what I’m pitching.
Pretty sure my chances of serving in Congress just went down from zero to less-than-zero. Hahaha. And I guess I should probably leave a note here for the Capitol Police:
In case this isn’t crystal clear to you for for some reason: there is virtually no scenario in this universe in which I can envision myself actually fooling around with any of these people, even given the ideal opportunity and enthusiastic consent from themselves and their partner(s). This is strictly an exercise in fantasy and/or mockery about public figures, falling squarely under the protection of the First Amendment. There is no need to concern yourself with my stalking or ever attempting to contact any of these people, with the exception of Kirsten Gillibrand who is my Senator and whose office I have on speed dial of course. But I would never contact her in anything but her professional capacity. Mmmkay?
Have a nice day, officers.
I wouldn’t fuck ’em with your dick, Tony. :p
*For as long as I can remember having sexual fantasies, I’ve had a recurring one involving getting fucked, hard, by a smoking hot Catholic priest in traditional dress. In the church. On the altar. I look him in the eyes as I unbutton his black shirt from the bottom up, and stop just before I get to the white collar. He quickly unbuttons his pants and pulls out his hard dick and…well.
I told you I was kinky.