A friend on Facebook posted this delightful chart, entitled “Things I would wish upon my enemies.”
Well done, DOGHOUSEDIARIES! Even the occasional occurrence of such plagues is annoying as fuck-all. Now I don’t know anything about these dog house diarists, so I can only guess at who their enemies are. (For all I know, this shit is directed at Your Humble Monarch™ personally.) But I do know exactly who my enemies are.
What’s that, you say? That you, Loyal Reader™—a generous and kind human being, a tax-paying solid citizen, a loving person, a live-and-let-liver—don’t have any enemies to speak of?
You have enemies, whether you think you do or not. It’s true! There are armies of hateful asshats arrayed against you, right at this very moment, plotting and scheming your demise with glee. If you don’t believe it, well, that is purely a matter of projection on your part, since you cannot imagine yourself being a hateful asshat plotting and scheming a stranger’s demise (much less with glee). And this, my friends, is the liberal’s Achilles heel: we simply cannot believe people could truly harbor such a deep, abiding hatred for us, and sincerely want to see us utterly destroyed. They can, and they do.
Taken in that context, all of those things the dog house diarists wished upon their enemies are WAY too nice. (WAAAAAAAAYYYYY.) I have taken the liberty of revising the chart to indicate precisely how I would wish to afflict mine: