BREAKING: 13,295 conservatives to cause no catastrophic damage for 6 hours!

Hey, did you guys know this?

America’s issues are not primarily financial, political or moral. Neither does America’s hope lie in one leader or institution. Our hope is found in the One who desires for us to turn to Him with our hearts. This is our response – to call on Jesus on behalf of America, that He might hear our cry and heal our land.

This is certainly the first I’m hearing of it. Here I was under the distinct impression that the US’s problems are indeed financial, political and moral in nature, but no. Some outfit called The Response is hosting a six hour session of “worship, prayer, fasting and repentance” tomorrow at the North Charleston Coliseum in Charleston, South Carolina. Apparently, participants will starve themselves and grovel to some Jeezus d00d in an effort to finally get him off his lazy ass and set to work fixing this fucking mess of a country once and for all. South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley and Louisiana Governor (and Palace Abattoir resident) Bobby Jindal will be there, plus a couple of black d00ds I never heard of. A capacity crowd is expected.

I looked up the venue: it holds 13,295 starving grovelers. Which, you know, got me thinking: what if this Jeezus will not be roused by anything less than 13,296 starving grovelers? I guess we’ll all find out when we wake up Sunday morning and Bernie Sanders is president and conservatives and conservaDems alike have all voluntarily banished themselves to some Free Market™ paradise, like Honduras. Or Somalia. Not that I would wish that on the people of Honduras or Somalia—they have enough fucking problems. Christ. Perhaps a more remote, unpopulated destination would better serve. (Antarctica???) Anyway, the exact details will be left up to this Jeezus personage, provided I guess that the number of starving grovelers meets with his approval.

Charleston is an absolutely fantastic town, and I would not wish thousands or even tens of starving grovelers on anyone. (Well okay, I wish them on each other.) On the bright side, there will be six hours of peace and joy tomorrow in lovely downtown Charleston, and a refreshing 6-hour break from the enactment of draconian abortion restrictions, and tax breaks for billionaires and extractive industries.

Have a great Saturday, everybody else in Charleston!

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