BREAKING: Iris’s Political Consulting Company Incorporated Inc. LLC lands another client: a REPUBLICAN!

Well if it isn’t my old friend Governor George Pataki entering the Republican presidential primary race. I was quite certain he would remember me fondly, and he has obviously taken note of my important role as the top adviser to Governor Martin O’Malley’s pre-presidential pre-campaign. Raw Story reports on the Pataki announcement:

He could represent a fairly moderate voice in the 2016 Republican presidential field, which includes a pack of staunch conservatives. As governor, Pataki declared himself an abortion rights advocate and signed tough gun control legislation.

I will just note here that our current Democratic president has been unimpressive on abortion rights, and has yet to seriously tackle gun control. Perhaps it just slipped his mind. I mean, he has been VERY busy colluding with congressional Republicans to destroy what’s left of our democracy and fuck us all over with terrible trade bills that make NAFTA look like a blueprint for a socialist utopia. But still.

More recently, [Pataki] has criticized “religious freedom” bills that conservative candidates backed

Muy interesante, no?

and called it “inappropriate” when Republican lawmakers wrote to Iranian leaders in a move largely seen as undermining Democratic President Barack Obama.

Now I am hardly averse to undermining Democratic President Barack Obama when he gets up to his conservative shenanigans, but that Iran letter? That was WAY out of line.

He launched a fundraising Super-PAC in January and has made appearances in New Hampshire and Florida, important states in the presidential nominating contests.

That would be the same Super-PAC that is paying my invoices. What, you didn’t think I’d be helping out a Republican for free, did you? No, not even a Republican to the left of Barack Obama. *ahem*

Of course George Pataki presently stands little chance of becoming the Republican nominee: that dubious honor is more likely to go to some berserker like this chucklefuck here:

santorumRick Santorum, fascist sociopath.

But it seems to me that Pataki, with whom I actually enjoyed working briefly, has the potential to peel off some votes and cash from the less wild-eyed Republicans. Well, assuming there still are any, that is. Pataki’s actually a much better fit with the Democratic Party, or at least with its conservative leadership, and in this he stands alone among the current crop of clowns vying for the GOP nod. In other words, he could be the ideal wedge to divide the knuckledragger Jeezus-flavored wingers from the Big Business wing: believe it or not, Wall $treet does not really want people running the show who say shit like “I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them, too.” Sure, the banksters are epic doucheweasels, but they are pragmatic epic doucheweasels. If the divide between the theocrat and money factions is great enough—and the contests become ugly enough, which, hello?! Republicans!—supporters of whoever loses the nomination just might be disheartened enough to stay the fuck home for the general election. Comprende? I think you do. ;)

Thus we have undertaken a non-exclusive contract to advise the Pataki campaign, in the official capacity of Making Sure He Doesn’t Fuck Shit Up Before the Republican Primaries.


This entry was posted in humor by Iris Vander Pluym. Bookmark the permalink.

About Iris Vander Pluym

Iris Vander Pluym is an artist and activist in NYC (West Village), and an unapologetic, godless, feminist lefty. Raised to believe Nice Girls™ do not discuss politics, sex or religion, it turns out those are pretty much the only topics she ever wants to talk about.

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