Church sign confirms: Jeezus is an @$$hole.



[CONTENT NOTE: vulgarity & blasphemy—2 great tastes that taste great together!]

houses&shopsThe town where my mother lives is a Maryland historic site, a tiny storybook village of mostly clapboard homes dating to the 1830s and housing adorable shops, charming inns and a handful of surprisingly good restaurants. Most of the structures look to be in good repair, but looks can be deceiving: poor insulation, termite damage, antique electrical wiring and problems with ancient pipes are compounded by the local historic commission’s refusal to allow modern materials to be used for exterior restoration. Wood windows and doors shrink and swell with the seasons, and leaky roofs are a year-round worry.


Look at these fucking icicles.

Since our last report barely two weeks ago on the town’s infamous church sign, the sky gods have been dumping nearly unprecedented amounts of snow, sleet and freezing rain here—over 10 inches of snow in February alone. Like New York City, the temperatures have been plunging into the single digits, and bouncing back just long enough to melt a fraction of the apparently permanent piles of hard-packed snow and dirty ice, only to refreeze it. Many sidewalks and street crossings are treacherous, and residents have been experiencing an alarming number of freezing and bursting pipes. As I write, there is presently a winter storm warning in effect for snow, sleet and freezing rain from 10 AM today until 4 AM tomorrow. 1-3 more inches of snow are expected, along with ice accumulations of a quarter to a third of an inch. Travel is expected to be “very hazardous or impossible.” From the dining room window I can see the snow falling already.

And what, pray tell, is our favorite church sign’s inspirational message today?

jesuslovesyousnowmuchJESUS LOVES YOU

What. The everloving. Fuck.

Loyal Readers™ will recall my recently pointing out that this Jeezus is undeniably an unrepentant asshole. If these Christian types are to be believed, his positions on social issues are grotesque (virulently misogynist, racist, homophobic, anti-democratic and otherwise downright inhumane), and his economic policies are all about screwing over poor and working people in order to further enrichen the obscenely rich. If all of that weren’t bad enough—and it is—he keeps on telling epic doucheweasels like Dubya, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Scott Walker to run for office. He is not even an American citizen, and has no business interfering in our electoral politics. Unbelievable.

But this snow thing? Well this should put an end to all doubts that he is anything other than a sadistic monster who enjoys creating misery for us and then making fucking jokes about it. Talk about punching down! If this keeps up, it will become exceedingly more difficult to complete our mission of extracting $82 billion worth of amusement we are owed from the Religion-Industrial-Complex every year by mocking that church sign.

Meanwhile, here’s a sign of my own:

palacefuckyouFUCK YOU, JEEZUS.

Your days are numbered. The goddess Ostara arrives to kick your ass in less than three weeks.

2 thoughts on “Church sign confirms: Jeezus is an @$$hole.

  1. Yep, the gods have been most unkind this winter, we must have been especially bad to deserve their wrath. But it seems we’re always being subjected to their fucking wrath. But I didn’t know of their humorous side. The latest church sign is sort of funny – ignoring the fact that the sign along with the church building sit in a piece of land that the church pays NO property taxes. Which means every other property owner in town has to pay MORE taxes than they should to keep the town and schools running to cover the lost revenue. So, 20 more days you say of this weather?

  2. Far too many so-called Christians spend way too much time reading the Old Testament, and not enough time reading the New Testament. Jesus is pretty cool, it’s all those funnymentalists who cause most of the problems in society. I believe in all paths to God; whether one’s God concept is based on faith or on hope is of no matter. Oh, and Hal yawm! Thou art a sand-rider now!

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