Church sign off to a rip-roaring start in 2015.

Loyal Readers™ will no doubt recall the Palace’s ongoing mission to extract $82 billion worth of benefits from the Religion-Industrial-Complex on behalf of U.S. taxpayers, on account of our $82 billion yearly taxpayer subsidies to same. One of the ways we accomplish this is amusing ourselves by regularly mocking a particular church sign in the small town where my mother lives. Since our last report we may have missed out on one or two iterations, although I can tell you that over the holidays the sign only showed listings of times and dates for church services. But this weekend, we were served up a doozy:

churchsign022015GOD IS RICH,

Christ. Where to even begin.

At the outset it’s critical to note that this particular god d00d has a long-running scam whereby he “saves” people from himself. That’s right: he so despises his very own creations—humans—that he unleashes the most sadistic and unconscionable punishments imaginable on them (and on generations of their innocent descendants), just for doing exactly the things he knows in advance with 100% certainty they will do. I’m sorry but that is just not the behavior of any deity dignified enough to worship; that is the behavior of a spoiled toddler throwing a temper tantrum because he doesn’t get his way and then smashing all of his own toys. Now to be fair, I pretty much despise people too. But see, the difference is that I don’t go around torturing and murdering them with wild abandon, insisting they obey my every command, demanding they sacrifice their children to me, or prohibiting them from eating shrimp. Shrimp are fucking delicious, people.

shrimpcocktailJumbo shrimp cocktail
Even people I despise should feel free to enjoy this appetizer.

Worse, all of those hideous punishments were still not enough to satisfy this evil fucker. Can you believe it? Plagues, stonings, drownings, you name it, yet people still told him to fuck right off, and clearly for good reason. So he decided he had to come up with the most cruel and sadistic penalty ever devised: hell. For the “sin” of disobeying this capricious monster obsessed with sexual behavior that is nobody else’s business, violent conquests and wanton slaughter (and shrimp), you get to burn in a lake of fire—forever. Meanwhile, the only alternative to this unfortunate fate is spending eternity with the sick puppy himself, along with a whole bunch of shitty people who think he’s the bee’s knees. Oh, and the ticket to get into this perpetual shitshow? You have to actually believe that the creator of the entire universe sent his own son (who is also himself) to Earth to sacrifice himself to himself so that he could, finally, forgive humans for being exactly as disappointing to himself as he made them. WHAT. No wonder atheists take such great comfort in knowing that death is merely oblivion.

There’s a funny saying that goes: if you don’t sin, then Jeezus died in vain. Hahaha. Seriously though, I cannot swallow this whole story for numerous reasons, one of which is the same reason that the joke doesn’t really work: according his own autobiography, Jeezus did not die. He did not die for my sins, or for anyone else’s either. He had a really rough weekend, after which he strolled around for a while punking a bunch of people, and then flew up into the sky to become king (co-king?) of the entire universe forever and ever. That is the opposite of dying.

Anyway, back to this church sign. This god is rich? Really? Why would the omnipotent ruler of the universe need money, much less a fuckton of it? Maybe it’s a new ploy he’s trying to get everybody finally paying attention and worshiping him. After all, the American Dream Nightmare™ is based upon the principle that if anyone just works hard enough (bootstraps!) they too will become rich; and therefore, if they are indeed rich, they must be Super Special Bootstrappin’ Snowflakes who deserve to be rich, admired, sucked up to and emulated. It doesn’t matter that the bootstrap myth is utterly and demonstrably false—I mean, my fellow citizens are world renowned for believing in all manner of ridiculous nonsense, so the whole “I’m rich! do what I say!” thing is probably worth a shot.

And truth be told, a lot of rich people are ginormous assholes too, so saying “the Christian god is rich” sounds about right. See for yourself:

Donald Trump is rich
because his daddy created a real estate empire

The Koch Brothers are rich
because their daddy created an oil refining empire

The Walton family is rich
because their daddies created a retail empire

Dr. Oz is rich
because he sells snake oil and bad medical advice

Wall Street traders are rich
because they are more reckless and manipulative than incarcerated psychopaths

All of which is to say that if this god is rich, that’s probably one more excellent reason to stay far, far away from him.

One thought on “Church sign off to a rip-roaring start in 2015.

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