We are pleased to announce that the Palace Abattoir has been doing a brisk business lately with our groundbreaking involuntary organ extraction program! And we continue to expand to keep up with the overwhelming need for lifesaving organs as well as the seemingly endless supply of potential donors who feel so strongly about the moral imperative of involuntary organ donation.
First, some d00d we never heard of named Kevin D. Williamson who writes for some rag called The National Review responded to a tweet asking whether women who have an abortion should be sentenced to life in prison without parole:
“I have hanging more in mind.” –Kevin D. Williamson
Wait, did he just say women who have abortions should be subject to the death penalty?
“Yes, I believe that the law should treat abortion like any other homicide.” –Kevin D. Williamson
Then surely it would be murder most foul for Kevin D. Williamson to withhold his blood, skin, bone marrow and a kidney from those whose very lives are depending on access to them. Don’t worry: if he resists being an involuntary organ donor, we’ll just hang him. Easy-peasy! Then we can extract two kidneys, a liver, two lungs and his heart—assuming we can find it.
Then there’s this whole Duggar fiasco, whom we’ve actually heard of but have tried to stay far, far away from. Mainly because this hair is on purpose:
I’m just kidding. (Sort of). No, it’s because Christian patriarch Jim Bob here and his wife Michelle are doing shit like this:
The Duggar’s — conservative Christian reality TV stars — held a press conference on Monday to express their support for a ballot initiative in Tennessee that would give state lawmakers the power to enact greater restrictions on abortion.
“We have the responsibility under almighty God to protect innocent lives that cannot yet speak for themselves,” said Michelle Duggar, according to the Times Free Press. “If we don’t speak up and do something to stop this holocaust, the blood of these little ones will be on our hands.”
No dears, the blood of dead and maimed women will be on your hands. Oh, and guess what? These fuckers don’t even live in Tennessee. They’re just all up in those Tennessee vaginas.
So, in addition to Bobby Jim or whatever and Michelle, please give a warm Abattoir welcome to Josh, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph and Josiah Duggar! (Just the ones who are 18 or older—Jeezus, we’re not monsters.)