In the dizzying throes of my rage and mourning for my country in the wake of last week’s entirely expected and epically craptastic 5-4 Hobby Lobby decision, I naturally started drinking promptly and posted a bunch of hatey shit on Facebook. I also posted on my blog a job application to the Catholic d00ds on the Supreme Court and to the many for-profit companies suing the federal government to get out of the birth-control-is-basic-fucking-healthcare mandate of the ACA, and in lieu of my resumé I helpfully included a recent picture of the interior of my vagina. (For those readers who may not be 100% up to speed, for many fine employers vaginas are now the subject of unparalleled concern, interest and control.)
Now, I realize that ridicule and mockery of Supreme Court justices may not be to everyone’s taste, which is why I really cannot recommend highly enough going other places on the internet. And in a gesture of gracious magnanimity, to readers who prefer a more sobering (and certainly more sober!) analysis, I offer this eminently readable summary of the Hobby Lobby decision by Carmen Green of Georgetown University Law Center. But just FYI, I fully intend to continue drinking, cursing and ridiculing the “Supreme” Court, unless and until I feel it’s time to step away from the bar and go home.
In other words: don’t hold your breath.
It all began to unravel rather quickly with Citizens United, in which the activist Catholic shitweasel majority on the high court overturned a century of precedent and decades of campaign finance reform laws, essentially holding that corporations = people, and corporate cash = protected speech under the First Amendment. These twin delusions are massive affronts to democracy, logic and reality, so easily debunked even a young child could do it (unless of course she too suffered the mind-warping ravages of Conservative Personality Disorder).
‘Cause here’s the thing: corporations are not people.
CORPORATIONS. ARE. NOT. PEOPLE.
For one thing, unlike people, they can potentially live forever. That makes them immortal. You know, like vampires. Or possibly tardigrades. But definitely not like people. Perhaps most devastating to the surreal horror fiction unleashed by the court in Citizens United (and expounded upon in McCutcheon) is that unlike people, corporations cannot be put in prison for the crimes they commit:
So these “people” are immortals who are never subject to the same rules of law and justice as everyone else. Is any of this starting to sound to you like a zombie movie yet? Because there’s more.
So, Hobby Lobby. The Catholic fascist men on the highest court in the land have now decided that not only are corporations people, they can now be religious people, they can be stupid, wrong and willfully ignorant religious people, they can force their stupid, wrong and willfully ignorant religious views on their employees, and they can simply ignore laws they don’t like.
Unlike, you know, actual people. Or, say, women.
Earlier this month, from the peaceful sanctity of their buffer-zone protected place of work, SCOTUS struck down a Massachusetts buffer zone law around women’s clinics. That decision was unanimous, thus rendering the entire Supreme Court not just laughably hypocritical @$$holes, but complicit in giving material support to terrorists.
To cheer you up, here’s a little something from Andy Borowitz:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—By a 5–4 vote on Monday, the United States Supreme Court settled a dispute that Justice Samuel Alito said was “at its core about the rights of women versus the rights of people.”
Writing for the majority, Justice Alito wrote, “It is the duty of this Court, whenever it sees that the rights of people are being threatened, to do our best to safeguard those rights. In this case, it is clear that people’s rights were being threatened by women.”
Acknowledging that some women “might argue that they, too, have some claim to being people,” Justice Alito wrote, “That is an interesting question for another day.”
While the Court’s decision caused an uproar across the country, it received a big thumbs-up from one of the Justices who voted with the majority, Antonin Scalia.
“This has been a crappy year or so around here, what with all that gay-marriage stuff, but at least we finished strong,” he said.
Perhaps you might also enjoy this little roundup of some Facebook highlights. (Iris haz awwsum FB frenz.)
IRIS shared a link: Supreme Court sides with employers over birth control mandate.
FB FRIEND: Assholes.
IRIS: No, no, just vaginas…at least for now.
FB FRIEND2: I hope someone messes with your subsidized Viagra and you all die of horribly painful heart attacks while standing on Legos, sporting those four hour boners that no one will ever touch again.
IRIS: I hate conservatives. They taught me to hate, by hating me.
FB FRIEND3: ^but but but someone somewhere has nice conservative friends and might be offended by that sentiment! no hyperbole allowed when referring to the Right!
IRIS: “Nice conservative” is an oxymoron.
FB FRIEND4: So, in short:
1) I no longer have religious freedom
2) I no longer have the right to privacy
3) “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” does not apply to women
4) I have lost my bodily autonomy and reproductive rights
I am literally in tears right now. Not just for myself (but believe me, I am scared as hell), but how the fuck can I raise a daughter in a society where she has less rights than her mother and grandmother did?
FB FRIEND5: Yes. How can I look my daughter in the eye and tell her she’s as valuable as her little brother? Clearly our society is intent on proving otherwise as often as possible.
IRIS: Passing the ERA would be a start. Then we could demand mens reproductive healthcare be subject to the same employer whims. As it stands, no dice. We are NOT equal under the constitution.
FB FRIEND6: Where is hobby lobby hq? I’m gonna look on Google.
FB FRIEND7: Inside the SCOTUS buffer zone.
FB FRIEND6: I’m gonna punch SCOTUS’ buffer zone in the taint.
FB FRIEND6: That was a joke, NSA.
FB FRIEND8: I’m still at work but do any of my Facebook friends want to explain what’s wrong with this? A friend posted it on my wall:
I think you should read this, Dave. I would argue that your concept of this situation and the assumptions you bring into it are actually more harmful to women and society as a whole than Hobby Lobby’s attempt to protect its freedoms and interests.
Hobby Lobby operates with a philosophy that actually honors and respects a woman’s sexuality and encourages women to respect their own sexuality and be responsible adults with what naturally results from that sexuality. You are the one who would rather treat them as “second class citizens”, like animals with no inherent dignity or honor, like detached individuals with no responsibility to society but to create national headlines out of their supposedly “private” business in bed. I have to put this bluntly because, as I cannot convey to you just how much damage to human dignity you are furthering and feeding.”
– Jared Caspari
IRIS: Everything. Like, literally every single thing is wrong with this.
FB FRIEND9: Today might be a good day to ask “pro-life” anti-abortion atheists what they think of the ruling.
IRIS: It’s never a good day for that.
FB FRIEND9: Today *especially* is good for that I think. I already tagged them and they are not responding.
IRIS: Maybe it’s because they’re confused by the word “think”?
FB FRIEND10: Come home to cat shit on my bed.
Why, Morgan, why?
IRIS: Cat hates SCOTUS too?
FB STRANGER: Damn. Someone beat me to the SCOTUS joke.
IRIS: Just so I have this straight: not only are corporations people, not only are they religious people, they can force employees to follow their religious beliefs – and never, ever go to prison. That’s it. I’m incorporating.
FB FRIEND7: But #HobbyLobby sincerely believes this lie, so they get to enforce their belief in a lie on people like me.
IRIS: I sincerely believe that male Catholic Supreme Court justices should be impeached. How ’bout we enforce my sincerely held belief?
FB FRIEND11: Have you incorporated yet, Iris ?
IRIS: Yes, of course! Iris Inc.’s legal department is already working on the impeachment action. Or so they tell me, anyway. I’m out drinking.