Who needs comedians when you can just read headlines?
But it was all good, see, because he sent a staffer to go get his ID so he could vote. You know, like everyone can. It’s really nothing more than a minor inconvenience, people: you just send your staff to go pick up your ID! Duh. And as we all know, voter ID laws are absolutely necessary to address the huge problem of voter fraud that is ruining our great democracy.
Those would be space aliens.
Here is Attorney General Eric Holder announcing the U.S. indictments of Chinese officials on espionage charges:
“Success in the global marketplace should be based solely on a company’s ability to innovate and compete, not on a sponsor government’s ability to spy and steal business secrets,” [Attorney General Eric] Holder said, emphasizing that U.S. surveillance and spying is not used for commercial purposes.
China’s State Internet Information Office likened the U.S. actions to “a thief yelling ‘Catch the thief.’”
Mr. Jackman lives in my neighborhood. I sometimes run into him at brunch. He is warm and polite in person, and will totally move his stuff off that bar stool next to him and let me sit there if I ask him. If I saw someone dressed as Wolverine in my neighborhood, I would naturally assume it was indeed Hugh Jackman, approach him, and then say something to embarrass myself like “OMG! Remember me from that time I asked if you needed that bar stool and you said no and totally moved your stuff?”
Now there’s something you don’t see every day. [WARNING: lethal levels of cute.]
Good to know. [WARNING: picture of a placenta.]
Oh man, I hate when that shit happens. I’m always like, Miley, mind your own fucking business, okay? I’m trying to puke in peace on Madonna’s porch.
Superbug threat as grave as climate change, say scientists.
Superbugs resistant to drugs pose a serious worldwide threat and demand a response on the same scale as efforts to combat climate change, infectious disease specialists said on Thursday.
A response on the same scale as efforts to combat climate change, huh? So… basically, not taking any meaningful action whatsoever? Well that seems eminently doable.
Wait, I take it back. Here’s a comedian as good as these headlines. Enjoy.