Nick Ruiz: still an epic doucheweasel.

Our old friend Nicholas Ruiz III has been spamming the Palace inbox lately with increasingly grandiose emails, promoting himself in his primary campaign against Rep. Alan Grayson of Florida. Grayson, as Loyal Readers™ will recall, is one of the most progressive, aggressive and effective Democrats in congress. Ruiz first came to our attention as an unknown upstart running against incumbent Republican congresscritter John Mica. Blue America plugged Ruiz, he sounded genuinely progressive, and his messaging seemed smart. We figured what the hell, and kicked in a couple bucks to his campaign.

Loyal Readers™ will also recall that after an initially pleasant email exchange with Mr. Ruiz in which Your Humble Monarch™ patiently and repeatedly explained her objection to a sexist trope he used to criticize Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (there are countless non-sexist ways to skewer Pelosi and Wasserman-Schultz), Nick went full pompous @$$hole on us. Then in January, Nick decided that instead of using the money raised for his campaign against Republican John Mica, he would instead use it to run against Alan Grayson.

Blue America immediately dumped him, and asked for their PAC money and individual contributions back; as of this writing he has not returned it. He also managed to piss off nearly everyone in the Daily Kos community. The Palace, of course, swiftly issued a press release officially downgrading Ruiz from “not awesome” to “epic doucheweasel.” Since then we’ve been keeping a bemused eye on him, and, in news that will surprise absolutely no one, we can report that Nick Ruiz is still, in fact, an epic doucheweasel. What is news are the mounting revelations shedding considerable light on the subspecies of epic doucheweasel Nick Ruiz is.

First came his mid-April email, after the first quarter FEC deadline:

ruiz&wifeJust a quick note to thank everyone for their help.
A lot of very nice and conscientious people have given their time, energy and money
to this campaign because they believe I can make a difference in DC.
We’re going to win this seat.

I wondered exactly how much money these very nice and conscientious people had given to Ruiz since he switched districts to run against Grayson. According to the FEC’s required filing for the 1st quarter 2014, Ruiz raised $1,995.80. I suppose one could say that’s “a lot” of very nice and conscientious people, if they all gave him $1. By contrast, Grayson raised $413,952 in the first quarter. I mention this mainly because it is relevant to Ruiz’s subsequent messaging, as we shall see.

Nick’s campaign expenditures for the same period total $5,125.05—all of which I’m guessing he blew entirely on this photo shoot:

nickruizbroodingNicholas Ruiz III. Oooooh. Brooding.

nickruizbrooding2^Who does that?
A serious doucheweasel, that’s who.

So we learned that Nicholas Ruiz III is very, very serious—or at least that he likes to pose for pictures making faces straight out of Zoolander.

Another missive arrived about a week ago:

I hope all is well for you and your family.
As you know, I’m running in FL-9 and have an excellent chance to win the seat.

Please help to keep our ad on the air:

Oh dear lard. I’ve seen politicians awkwardly exploit babies as props before, but never so ridiculously as Nick Ruiz does here. The infant’s either hanging from his arms the entire time he’s blabbering or someone’s crouched offscreen below him to pop the baby up and down; either way the poor kid gets jerked into and out of the frame in less than two seconds. After that, all I can think of is OMG where’s the baby? Is the baby okay? What happened to the baby???

Jeezus. I could make a better campaign ad with my drunk friends on my iPhone.

Neither one of those emails, by the way, contains a single mention of Alan Grayson.

Curious to see what angle he’s working now that he’s running against Grayson instead of a typical Republican shitweasel, I poked around Nick’s website.

This got my attention:

After multiple attempts to reach Rep. Grayson and his staff, no response to date has been received to the debate invitation sent by the Ruiz campaign. The Grayson campaign has been unresponsive.

Good—Grayson’s campaign is ignoring him, much as one might an annoying insect. But the next part gets interesting:

Dr. Ruiz said: “Rep. Grayson may find such a ruse amusing, but the people of the district find it inconsiderate. Everyone expects and deserves communicative reciprocity from an elected representative. Unsurprisingly, many expect he will hunker down behind a large pile of money, essentially hiding from the Democratic Primary challenge I bring from the people of FL-9. Alas, there will be no hiding on primary election day, August 26, 2014.”

So it’s Dr. Ruiz now, is it? Fair enough: d00d’s got Ph.D in Humanities from Florida State. (It’s also a pretty good giveaway that DOCTOR Nicholas Ruiz III is writing about himself in the third person on his own website while pretending not to. What a fucking bozo.) But one really has to marvel at Nick’s pretension to speak on behalf of “the people of the district.” Would those be the “people of the district who elected Alan Grayson in an unprecedented landslide“? You see, this Democratic primary challenge comes not from Nick’s humble self—perish the thought!—but from the people of Florida’s 9th district (or at least from those 1,995 friends and family members who all gave him a dollar).

But the quip about Grayson hunkering down and hiding behind “a large pile of money” is really telling. For one thing, can anyone envision Alan Grayson hiding from anyone? Ever? His fearlessness has made Grayson rather infamous—for better and for worse—and it is precisely that “large pile of money” that enables this. Further, unlike virtually everyone else in congress, the majority of Grayson’s campaign contributions come from small individual donors, not corporate PACS (or gawdferbid, the DCCC). He is freer than most not to give a flying fuck about the beltway cognoscenti. Ruiz appears to be under the impression that’s a weakness and not a strength, and won’t let it go for one minute:

Ruiz also said: “Rep. Grayson’s attitude displays the sort of megalomania we’ve all come to despise from too many of the 535 members of this Congress; and especially Alan Grayson himself, the 21st richest member of Congress.

Grayson’s megalomania? Bwahahaha! Projection, hello? Note, too, that “we’ve all” come to despise Alan Grayson’s attitude. I guess that explains why he’s so heavily funded by small individual donations, huh? (Well, not by Nick’s 1,995 one-dollar donors of course.) So Dr. Ruiz, who has no experience in public service, and hasn’t returned the PAC money or individual contributions given to him last year on the pretext that he was running against Republican John Mica, is clearly the better candidate because…Alan Grayson is a very successful businessman. And, well, nobody likes rich people, amirite?

Unsurprisingly, Nick harps on and on about debating Grayson. What else has he got?

Didn’t he express his concerns when Dan Webster refused a debate conversation with him in the 2010 election? The voters have a right to such a debate forum in every election, though Rep. Grayson here denies them that right.

Dan Webster is a Republican. Gee, do you think there might be just a teeny-tiny difference in their positions, such that a public debate might actually be, you know, informative? As far as I can tell Ruiz has taken no position on any issue that would differ from Grayson’s. In fact Ruiz has taken no concrete position on anything. His messaging consists entirely of vague platitudes and pretentious posturing.

A primary debate could only raise Ruiz’s profile in FL-9, so Grayson is wise to avoid it. But admit it: wouldn’t it be wildly entertaining to watch Grayson squash Ruiz like a bug? I mean, listen to this:

“His colleagues, and the nation find his conduct to be a habitual disappointment, and I would have to agree.”

LMAO! Wait! Wait! So now, Ruiz speaks not only on behalf of Grayson’s congressional colleagues who are nearly universally despised—including, allegedly, by Ruiz himself—but for the nation. Could he possibly get any more grandiose?

Why yes. Yes he can. In his most recent email, the doctor wrote:

Dear America:

Dear America. Dear Lard.

We’re not in need of carnival barkers like Allen West, or Alan Grayson.

Allen West is a right-wing Republican. That’s the “carnival barker” he compares to Alan Grayson.

We’re not in need of frenetic ideologists like Sarah Palin, or Michele Bachmann.

What. Does he think he’s in a Republican primary?

What we’re in need of is a conscientious advocate,
who understands the necessity of resolving differing points of view.

Riiiiight. How’d that work out for Nick on my blog?

I come to the table with a valuable background and perspective,
with regard to the value and mutual benefits of dialogue, debate
and most importantly, fair and equitable resolution.

We can do better than this Congress has done,
and bring about a Congress worthy of its name and responsibilities.

Please help me to bring this much needed perspective to Washington, DC.

I literally have no idea what the fuck he’s saying here.

Perhaps a clue can be found in this addendum to Nick’s every email and splashed all over his website:

Florida District 9 was created after the 2012 redistricting process and includes Osceola, South Orange and Northeastern Polk counties. It is a diverse district, where Hispanics comprise 41.4% of the voting age population, and African-Americans comprise 12.4% of the voting age population. Subsequently, FL-9 is considered a majority-minority district, with a 53.8% minority voting age population.

Nick Ruiz saw an opening for Grayson’s seat solely because he’s Hispanic, revealing him to be a boringly typical, opportunistic narcissist who stands for absolutely nothing, except the glorification of Nicholas Ruiz III. I trust the very nice and conscientious people of FL-9 will see right through it.

The Florida primary is August 26, so we can look forward to a summer chock full of hilarity courtesy of the Ruiz campaign. Unless…wait. I get it! Nick Ruiz isn’t running for office at all! Nick Ruiz is a comedy genius—he’s just trolling us. Hahaha. Awesome.

2 thoughts on “Nick Ruiz: still an epic doucheweasel.

  1. I see I’m still in Commenter Desert, where all smart and witty comments end up if the commenter doesn’t sign in before posting a comment.

    Sigh.

    So I’ll go with:

    I lived in the Florida Keys for 11 years, and it didn’t take long for me to agree with a bit of local wisdom–the Keys are different, it’s the mainland that’s weird.

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