The Palace Abattoir.
Needz moar kidneez plz.
[CONTENT NOTE: extreme hostility to consent, bodily autonomy and agency.]
As our Many Tens of Loyal Readers™ know, the Palace Abattoir hosts an exciting new program wherein we perform extractions of desperately needed lifesaving organs–whether people consent to them or not! All of our involuntary donors meet one very strict criteria: they would eagerly and happily force other people to donate lifesaving organs without their consent. Since they feel so very strongly about this particular principle, it is of course only right and fair that they live by it. Remember: we are saving lives, people.
With an assist from minority leader Mitch McConnell, Sen. Lindsey Graham took to the floor of the U.S. Senate yesterday to push his bill for a nationwide 20-week abortion ban. Entitled the “Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act” [*snort*], the proposed law would impose 5-year prison sentences on doctors carrying out terminations that fall between 20 weeks and the current limit of 24 weeks.
The law would affect an estimated 1.5% of all U.S. abortions of the type which are often performed due to potentially lethal medical complications affecting the pregnant person, like pre-eclampsia. (This is also the point in pregnancy when serious fetal defects may be discovered.) But under this new law, a doctor would have to wait to commence a life-saving termination until a pregnant person’s condition worsened to the point of near certain death.
I can’t imagine how anything could possibly go wrong in that scenario. [*double snort*]
Not content to be just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill proponent of female enslavement and forced birth, Graham vaulted himself into the lead in this week’s Liars 4 Jeezus tournament when he said “I know two twins born at 20 weeks.” The earliest survived birth on record is 21 weeks and 5 days—that was a twin, by the way, whose sibling did not survive.
Now it is not entirely clear to me exactly how these panty sniffers intend to gain access to everyone’s panties in order to enforce this gestation limit. But I’m sure the party of “small government” will come up with something really nifty. Perhaps Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell can work on it together during their stay in the Palace Abattoir. I’m I’m afraid they might not have much free time, though: I’ve told our surgical extraction teams not to stop harvesting their organs until they are near certain death.
Please give a warm Palace welcome to new Abattoir residents, Senators Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell!
In related news, it turns out that Lindsey Graham was just censured Monday night by South Carolina Republicans who just don’t think he’s conservative enough: “I want my politicians to be more conservative,” said Tom Sheridan, one of the supporters of the resolution. Graham is facing six Republican challengers in a June 10 primary, one of whom is this d00d named Richard Cash:
Believe it or not, that is a picture of Richard Cash from his own campaign commercial. The video was shot at his local jail, where Richard proudly attests to the fact that he’s been arrested and jailed ten times “for peaceful protests at abortion clinics, standing up for what is right.” Hilariously, in the very next sentence he says, “We need leaders now with the courage and resolve to stand against Washington’s abuse of power.” [*hideous cackling*]
You really have to see it for yourself:
“I’m Richard Cash, and I approve this message, because it’s time to stand up to Washington and replace Lindsey Graham” …with someone even worse, if you can believe it. Off you go to the Abattoir, Richard! Don’t you worry about those two shitweasels Graham and McConnell, either. You’ll fit right in.
Finally, meet our newest involuntary organ donor, Maureen Ferguson. She has decided that it is always more humane and compassionate for everyone concerned to force pregnant people to carry to full-term and give birth to fetuses with disastrous abnormalities incompatible with life and then let them suffer as long as possible before dying, than it is to abort them at an earlier stage in pregnancy. No, seriously:
“It’s argued that abortion is a necessary option for those very rare cases where there is devastating diagnosis and my heart goes out to those families … but women who are offered abortion in this situation are being offered a lie,” said Maureen Ferguson of the Catholic Association.
“They are told this is a compassionate choice, but the reality of abortion is a premature and violent end for the baby. The alternative is authentically compassionate: there is hospice care for these disabled babies that help grieving parents to say goodbye in a loving, humane way after birth.”
Rest assured that here at the Abattoir, we will extend to Maureen Ferguson the very same “humane” treatment and “compassion” she shows for people pregnant with tragically damaged and doomed fetuses and for these dying offspring, and do everything in our power to prolong her suffering.
Maureen Ferguson, Senior Policy Advisor, The Catholic Association.
Here, Ms. Ferguson displays wide-eyed-barely-concealed-homicidal-rage-face—a telltale characteristic of Conservative Personality Disorder. Or possibly of the Lizard People. I sometimes get them mixed up.