[TRIGGER WARNING: homophobia; ableism; graphic and ill-informed descriptions of gay sex; harmful Christian delusions and lies.]
My colleague and the Palace’s Official Wellness Consultant Don Ardell sent me a timely reminder today that sometimes, one barely need lift a finger in order to mock buffoons: just quote them.
The context was yesterday’s absurd debate by the Alabama legislature to amend the state constitution in order to permit the display of the biblical Ten Commandments in public buildings, including schools and courthouses, before voting 77-19 in favor of this constitutionally doomed proposal. In response, Kyle Whitmire of AL.com posted Things I learned during the Alabama Legislature’s Ten Commandments debate today, a compendium of quips from various and sundry doucheweasels elected to state office by the good people of Alabama. It includes such gems as these:
– School shootings, patricide and matricide are due to the Ten Commandments not being displayed in schools and other government buildings. – Rep. Bridges.
– If you proposed an amendment to the Alabama Constitution about the Ten Commandments, Rep. Alvin Holmes, D-Montgomery, will give you a quiz in which he repeatedly refers to them as the “10th Amendment.”
It ends with a masterstroke:
– This issue has been tested by the courts numerous times and it has always ended the same way. – Rep. Chris England, D-Tuscaloosa.
– Rep. England is way too knowledgeable, intelligent and well-spoken to serve in the Alabama Legislature. – Me.
It is hilarious, and you should definitely go read the whole thing. In the same vein, here is an actual press statement released by a group of military chaplains:
ESCONDIDO, Calif., Feb. 2, 2014 /Christian Newswire/ — Before civilizations crumble, the last thing to hit the fan is government-sponsored, government-forced, homosexuality, sodomy, and pedophilia. Homosexuality is a psychiatric disorder [sic] and probably the worst sin described in the Holy Bible [!!! -Ed.] due to the permanent damage caused to what was or is or might have been a temple of the Spirit. The consequences are said to be nothing short of eternal damnation, by choice. It’s a shame that the US military, historically known to be a beacon of morality and religious tolerance and freedom, while the civilian sector has engaged in immorality [LOL -Ed.], is now having its nose shoved in the dirt of filth to make the Sinners-in-Chief in the highest echelons of politics–the perverts, the pedophiles, and the psychiatrically ill–feel better about themselves.
Retired Military Chaplain Jim Linzey, a Baptist minister, states that “the teachings of the Church are an elaboration of the laws that Jesus gave when He said, ‘But from the beginning of the creation, God “made them male and female.” “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh’ (Mark 10:6-8). Jesus’ teaching emphasizes the unity between a man and his wife. Jesus also said, ‘Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate’ (Mark 10:9, NKJV). Based on Jesus’ statement, it is a moral obligation to remain married once the marriage is consummated.”
There is a biblical basis for separation. “But the point is that marriage between men and women are the foundation of society, including military society,” said Chaplain Valerie Potter, who is Methodist.
Military couples face many trials, including separations due to deployments. Chaplains have a crucial role to counsel them, to help them keep their marriages intact. As Chaplain Frank Johnson, a Baptist minister, said, “Marriage is a combat multiplier in that it gives married troops hope and a reason to fight well, defending ones country, of which marriage and families are the foundation; it gives troops a reason to live and come home.” “But homosexuality is a combat divider, dividing one’s reason to live while taking breaks on the combat field to change diapers all because their treacherous sin causes them to lose control of their bowels,” said Chaplain John R. Kauffman, a Pentecostal minister. “How do you win a war like that? What a spectacle in the face of moral Muslims who detest homosexuality,” he continued.
As a military chaplain, Rev. Linzey has counselled Soldiers struggling with homosexuality who left the military and some who had HIV. “Homosexuality was not a pleasant sin for these Soldiers,” Linzey said. “They were laden with guilt and wished they could be freed from this most vile bondage, destroying their mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. But only a penitent heart in the soul of one who would receive the atoning sacrifice of Jesus the Christ can be free.” God have mercy on the US military.
Contact: Jim Brandt, 760-855-3905, firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Jim Brandt and military chaplains:
On behalf of our gay family members and friends, their loved ones, and the untold thousands of LGBT soldiers who have served with more honor than you could possibly even conceive in your fetid little minds,
a hearty Palace FUCK YOU.
-Iris Vander Pluym, Proprietress
Perry Street Palace
Happy Friday, y’all!