Not nearly as funny as the NSA, but still good.

We’ve long been having fits of giggles here at the Palace over NSA’s comic buffoonery and government and media responses thereto, and frankly it’s been hard to top it as a rich vein of comedic material we can regularly tap. But what the hell? It doesn’t hurt to try.

__________

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Is there another word for synonym?

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

I had amnesia once. Or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

They told me I was gullible. And I believed them.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

Two can live as cheaply as one. For half as long.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

I’ve just released my own fragrance. But no one in business class seems to like it.

At a job interview: “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker.”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Another job interview: “What is your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“I don’t see that as a weakness.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

The plane was about to crash. The pilot called out, “Anyone on this plane believe in the power of prayer?”
A Reverend’s hand went straight up.
“Thank God for that!” said the pilot. “We’re one parachute short.”

[h/t flyboy]

This entry was posted in humor by Iris Vander Pluym. Bookmark the permalink.

About Iris Vander Pluym

Iris Vander Pluym is an artist and activist in NYC (West Village), and an unapologetic, godless, feminist lefty. Raised to believe Nice Girls™ do not discuss politics, sex or religion, it turns out those are pretty much the only topics she ever wants to talk about.

One thought on “Not nearly as funny as the NSA, but still good.

  1. I’ve been conditioned to think, “Oh, another boring list of jokes making the rounds.” But this collection is really funny! No surprise, considering the source. The one-liners reminded me of Steven Wright.

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