On occasion Your Humble Monarch™ finds herself dining in the company of unrepentant conservatives, and unfortunately tonight was such an occasion. Following are snippets from our conversation.


Conservad00d: When I first took the job they told me this one guy had been with the company forever. And he was a real pain in the ass, but they couldn’t fire him because he was a union guy, and knew all the rules. I said “that guy would hand in his resignation in less than two weeks.” No one believed me. But he did! So they asked me how I did it, because they’d been trying to get rid of him for years.

Well, I called the guy with my job at a big competitor. I asked him, hey, you got any pain-in-the-ass union guys you want to get rid of? He said sure! I said listen, I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse, a big raise. And when they take the new job, they’re on probation for two weeks, right? Union rules! Heh heh heh. And then I can fire them for any reason, or no reason, right? AND YOU’RE GONNA DO THE SAME FOR ME. Heh heh heh.

Iris: [silence.]


Conservad00d: So at college I ran for chair of the student Senate. I got all the hippies and peacemongers* to back me—I just promised them everything! Lower tuition! Free beer! All kinds of crazy stuff I had no way to deliver. I had just one debate with my opponent, and it was on the radio. So I accused her of being ugly! Heh heh! And I won the election—by three votes!

Iris: Ugly. Seriously?

Conservad00d: Well I figured I was gonna lose, you know? So I had to at least enjoy myself and have some fun with it!

Iris: How could you possibly enjoy yourself at someone else’s expense?

Conservad00d: [silence.]


Conservad00d: How do you like your new socialist mayor.

Iris: Well, he’s actually not a socialist, he’s—

Conservad00d: You know what they say about socialism: it’s great until you finally run out of other peoples’ money! Heh heh.


Yes, that’s right people: teachers, police, firefighters, working people all pay taxes, and in return expect the government to provide social services for themselves, their communities, and those less fortunate. But not Conservad00d. Nope. Somehow, that spending is suddenly all “other peoples’ money,” i.e., money unfairly stolen from deserving Special Snowflakes like him, and wasted on all those undeserving Others.

I despise conservatives. They are not decent people. And they will ruin much more than your evening, if given the opportunity.


*Yes, he said peacemongers. Unironically.

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