Aww, you guys…and it’s not even my birthday!

Oh, you jokers! Okay, obviously one of my beloved Many Tens of Loyal Readers™ has an absolutely brilliant talent for satire and parody. A comment we received today (on a 3 year old postnice touch!) is way too hilariously, jaw-droppingly stupid to have emanated from an actual conservative. In fact it is so perfectly idiotic, it’s fucking genius. Behold “olliek”:

The characteristics attributed to the fictional CPD perfectly describes the modern statist liberal. I suggest a reading of “Liberty and Tyranny” by noted conservative Mark Levin just to test depth of your ignorance regarding the nature of conservatism. Indeed, it is liberalism that is a mental disorder as it rejects the lessons learned by humanity over the millenia in favor of a mythical utopia that will never be realized, but has been the reason that hundreds of millions of people have been executed or killed in the attempt at implementing such a twisted vision of human order. As Thomas Sowell has said: “Socialism in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it”

Awesome, amirite? Nearly a dozen symptoms of Conservative Personality Disorder are on vivid display in just those four sentences. But the thing that really puts it over the top, and had me rolling on the floor with side-splitting laughter when I saw it, is the Gravatar image of “new” Palace commenter olliek:

olliekgravatarGravatar image of “new” Palace commenter olliek. Hahaha!

liberalfascism

Goldberg’s hilarious book with Hitler smiley face.

Geddit? It’s a smiley Obama, ‘shopped with a Hitler mustache and Hitler hair!  Wow, way to resurrect a classic old trope—why, it was all the way way back in 2007 that the irrepressibly flatulent Jonah Goldberg shat forth “Liberal Fascism,” a spectacular embarrassment even by conservative standards. And that is saying something, my friends.

Well, I don’t know what to say. I am so humbled and grateful to have a readership as sharp and witty as mine clearly is. This “comment” is one of the most touching and meaningful gifts anyone has ever given me, and I shall treasure it always. Drinks are on me at the Palace Bar! We will be serving Mustache Rides (equal parts butterscotch schapps, grain alcohol and milk—soy milk for vegans!— mixed with crushed ice and garnished with mint leaves).

*cheers!* Whoo-hoo! You guys are awesome!

What?

Okay fine, you all seriously want to pretend this is for real? All right, I’ll bite. It’s the least I can do for you comedians. Pencils ready, class?

__________

The characteristics attributed to the fictional CPD perfectly describes the modern statist liberal.

Projection: it’s not just for movies anymore!

The symptoms characteristic of CPD as delineated in my piece are not “attributed to” a “fictional CPD.” These are behaviors observed in self-proclaimed conservatives.

Before moving on, let us also take note of olliek’s use of the word “statist.” Although we sometimes see this word deployed as a slur by the leftist anarchist—with whom we share a good deal of common ideological ground, by the way—it is usually a dead giveaway that we are instead dealing with a particular subspecies of conservative, the Libertariansus wankerpus. When spotted in the wild, specimens can be easily identified: plumage is typically blindingly white, and males are frequently observed jerking off furiously to Ayn Rand’s terrible, terrible books.

I suggest a reading of “Liberty and Tyranny” by noted conservative Mark Levin just to test depth of your ignorance regarding the nature of conservatism.

Mansplainer is mansplainy: film at 11.

As Loyal Readers™ well know, I have spent much of my adult life to the study and careful analysis of conservatism (as well as much of my childhood surviving it). I have pored over endless tracts by William F. Buckley, Phyllis Schlafly, George Will, Milton Friedman and Ann Coulter; I have sought enlightenment in the work of Bill Kristol, Charles Krauthammer and S.E. Cupp. I have listened to Rush Limbaugh and watched Fox News for hundreds of hours. I am a regular reader of The Wall Street Journal editorial page as well as various and sundry right-wing publications and blogs. Moreover, I have witnessed along with the rest of humanity the horrific destruction and devastation unleashed upon my country, people all over the world and the planet itself by the conservative policies of Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and a long line of predecessors, both within government and without.

And yet! I am still directed to read this or that writing, by so-and-so Big Willie or such-and-such doucheweasel. Listen: I have satisfied myself beyond any reasonable doubt that there is nothing new in any of it. Not one single thing. All of it boils down to: an entirely unwarranted sense of self-regard and entitlement; desperate and fanciful rationalizations for one’s own unearned privilege, resulting in the characteristic detachment from reality, wild mischaracterizations of history, and rejection of hard-earned knowledge; and a blundering, comical narcissism. Or, in more colloquial terms: “I’ve got mine, jack! Fuck you! And especially fuck THEM!”

Indeed, it is liberalism that is a mental disorder as it rejects the lessons learned by humanity over the millenia in favor of a mythical utopia that will never be realized,

Wow, the dumbassitude is strong in this one.

First, we note that our new friend neglects to say exactly which “lessons learned by humanity over the millenia [sic]” liberals reject due to our unfortunate mental disorder. Here are some lessons that, broadly speaking, liberals have gleaned from history:

  • Religion is a blight on humanity and has absolutely no place in governance.
  • Humans are a social species, with all that entails. We are interdependent. Chew on your bootstraps while you think about the ramifications of that. Go ahead. We’ll wait.
  • Humans flourish far better with government structure and a meaningful social compact than without.
  • The rule of law is a necessary but not sufficient for justice.
  • Diversity is a strength.
  • Empathy is not a weakness.
  • Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.”
  • Social democracy is so far the best of all these terrible democratic systems.
  • Free markets aren’t free. We all pay the price—except for the richest of the rich, who just collect the spoils.
  • War is stupid, evil and expensive. It is rarely necessary, and justified only in self-defense. Defense contractors should all be non-profits, because war profiteering is a terrible idea.
  • Women are people.
  • Corporations are not people.
  • Conservatives are dangerous shitheads, and we should never let them anywhere near power. They have shown themselves to be enemies of democracy, opposed to equality in principle.

Meanwhile, all conservatives have apparently gleaned is the following:

“I’ve got mine, jack! Fuck you! And especially fuck THEM!”

Second, the myth of the “mythical utopia” is a favorite trope conservatives like to fling, right along with their poo, and yet no liberal worth her L has ever seriously advanced such a notion. No, I’m afraid that distinction belongs to kooky separatist conservatives, Christian dominionists, and delusional supernaturalists of many stripes who conveniently claim with certainty that utopia exists all right, but only after you die.

What’s really going on in olliek’s fevered mind is as simple as this: conservatives are pathologically terrified of change. They cling so desperately to entirely fictional notions of “order” and habitual routine that they will resist any change, no matter how minor or beneficial to themselves and everyone else. So when anyone comes along and says, “gee, maybe racially targeted mass incarceration and private prisons are terrible fucking ideas,” or “hey, let’s legalize pot and tax it to pay for education,” without fail the conservative subject will become noticeably animated and apoplectic, spewing forth bizarre non-sequiturs like “mythical utopia!” and “death panels!” and “global warming is a hoax!” (See also: “Benghazi!”)

The reality of course is that there is nothing remotely “mythical” about social democracies: they actually exist. They are by no means perfect, but they are demonstrably better by nearly every metric of human happiness and well-being than the dystopic shithole these depraved conservatives want to see the U.S. become.

but has been the reason that hundreds of millions of people have been executed or killed in the attempt at implementing such a twisted vision of human order.

You see, our friend here pretends to understand a correct and proper vision of “human order.” Ooh! Ooh! Lemme guess: it’s a “natural” hierarchy, which just so happens to have arrogant white male fuckwits prancing around on top of it.

Once more: social democratic welfare states actually exist. It’s true! And yet remarkably, instead of executing and killing them, these nefarious regimes actually provide their citizens with things like single payer healthcare, so that they live longer and happier lives than Americans do. (Christ what a dumbass.)

As Thomas Sowell has said: “Socialism in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it”

In case it matters (it doesn’t), Thomas Sowell is a conservative liberturdian “free-market” proponent out of the Chicago School of Economics, à la Milton Friedman. That would be the very same “free market” that gave rise to the 2008 banking collapse, and to the unregulated chemical storage facility that leaked (again) in West Virginia. From his statement we can readily see that Mr. Sowell, like every fascist, is anti-liberal and anti-intellectual (despite having earned a Ph.D. himself). He has also apparently never heard of Sweden, Spain, Finland, Norway, The Netherlands, France or the U.K.

How…sad.

In short, it is well worth remembering exactly what it is that conservatives wish to conserve: a status quo that is racist, sexist, violent, amoral, ubercapitalist, hierarchical, heteronormative, patriarchal, and viciously social Darwinist—an imperialist oligarchy in a state of permanent war.

Thanks to “olliek” for the timely reminder.

You guys…!

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