[TRIGGER WARNING: hostility to agency.]
Loyal Readers™, it is with great pleasure that the Palace brings you this incredible, world-changing news:
Womb transplants hailed as success in pioneering Swedish project
Doctor says nine women have received wombs from relatives and will soon try to get pregnant
Nine women in Sweden have successfully received transplanted wombs donated from relatives and will soon try to become pregnant, the doctor in charge of the pioneering project has revealed.
The women were born without a uterus or had it removed because of cervical cancer. Most are in their 30s and are part of the first major experiment to test whether it is possible to transplant wombs into women so they can give birth to their own children.
No uterus? No problem! Men, call right now: 1-800-WOMBS4MEN. Quantities are limited!
Mats Brannstrom, the lead researcher, said the nine womb recipients were doing well:
Many had had periods six weeks after the transplants, an early sign that the wombs were healthy and functioning. One woman had an infection in her newly received uterus and others had some minor rejection episodes, but none of the recipients or donors needed intensive care after the surgery, Brannstrom said. All left the hospital within days.
Men, now I don’t want to oversell this. But here’s the truth: you, too, could be menstruating a mere six weeks after surgery!
About one in 4,500 girls are born with a syndrome known as MRKH, which means they do not have a womb.
About 1 in 2 humans are born without a womb. Just ponder the sheer size of this market.
Lining up first of course will be the all those committed men who are soldiers in the Forced Birth Brigades. Seems their new wombs can be installed and functioning to the point of having periods in a matter of weeks or months—at which point we can just transfer unwanted fetuses right into them! If that’s not a WIN-WIN, well I just don’t know what is.
Next up? Well, it’s a close call. But I’d like to go on record here in suggesting the womb transplants be given to all the “liberal” d00ds swooning over the “progressive” new pope. Think of all the progressively progressive progress the Catholic church will (finally!) be able to make as soon as you d00ds finally put this interminably vexing issue to rest, once and for all.
Finally—provided of course that there are wombs left over after all these other deserving men get theirs—I humbly suggest we install one in the pontiff himself. Why, it was just today that he said:
“It is horrific even to think that there are children, victims of abortion, who will never see the light of day.”
As Melissa McEwan put it:
There’s the so-called progressive pope, talking about reproductive choice as “horrific” and demonizing women and other people who get abortions as “victimizers of children.”
No worries, Liss! As soon as he learns that he can put his own body where his opinion is, I’m sure he’ll to start planting unwanted fetuses into himself a.s.a.p!
This calls for a cocktail.* Cheers to Swedish researchers for finally solving this (inexplicably difficult) conundrum.
WOMBS 4 MEN FOREVAH!!!11!!!
* Iris’s Abortion (shot)
-Crème de cacao (or similar clear liqueur)
-Bailey’s Irish Cream
Carefully layer over a bar spoon into a shot glass: grenadine, crème de cacao, and Bailey’s Irish Cream. Tastes like a goddamn chocolate covered cherry, that’s why.
[h/t my friend Bailey—no relation.]