[CONTENT NOTE: Jeezus mockery, blasphemy and general religious insensitivity, gay porn, childish butt humor, profanity, (non-violent) revenge fantasies and probably other offensive shit as well.]
It’s that time of year again: ’tis the season to get drunk watching Bad Santa, avoid annoying family members as much as possible, and go broke buying craptastic gifts for a bunch of people you can’t even stand. Well Loyal Readers™, you’re on your own with Bad Santa and dodging your gawdawful relatives, but as far as craptastic gifts? The Palace is 100% here for you!
The First Annual and Probably the Only One Ever
Palace Craptastic Holiday Shopping Guide!
We’ve got perfect gifts for everyone you hate—there’s something special to suit every budget!
I was at the Rite-Aid yesterday on account of my Umpteenth Annual Holiday Season Head Cold trying to convince the pharmacist that I am not, in fact, a meth dealer so she should hand over some of that Mucinex-D, when I spotted these babies. Well as you can imagine, I could hardly wait to get them home. Inside the metal tin are 23 peppermint candies, each individually wrapped with a message—get this—from God! A sampling:
Psalm 91:11: Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands. (Easy-peasy: “Oh god, oh god, oh god…” All praise Lord Shiva!)
Eph. 6:11: Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. (Now why would I ever want to do a silly thing like that? Unless it’s kinky. Wait, is it kinky?)
Mat. 5:3: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (A hands-down favorite of CEOs/feudal lords, tyrants and cheap-ass motherfuckers throughout the ages!)
Psalm 120:1: In my distress I cried unto the LORD, and he heard me. (And yet as usual he did absolutely nothing whatsoever. It was kind of a douche move.)
Luke 8:11: The seed is the word of God. (Hahaha. Awesome.)
The festive tins are elegantly shrink-wrapped for your protection, and truly need no further embellishment. Just write your recipient’s initials right on the price tag! Remember to do the classy thing and cross out the price: you don’t want your gift to be too tacky, amirite? [NOTE: not recommended for Hanukkah.]
I called up CVS to inquire about the price of these Ass Fragrance Gift Sets but they were not helpful. Like, AT ALL. In any case you will not want to miss this Buy-1-Get-1-Free deal: I am sure you can think of several recipients right off the top of your head for whom this eau de toilet gift would perfectly express your sentiments.
For all the right-wing authoritarian “patriots” on your gift list, nothing says “I love permanent war and militarized police!” better than 2½ inch tall Army Guy Candles. Beautifully cast in holiday-toned green wax in five classic poses indicative of imminent violent aggression, these little d00ds make fabulous additions to any dessert or nativity scene. If the price is a bit steep for your budget, consider dividing them up: that’s less than $2.20 per Army Guy Candle!
That’s right: with ugly fucking reindeer sweaters and tees, now anyone can proudly display their complete and utter lack of any sense of style or decency wearing the LORD’s creation doin’ some procreation of its own!
Lucky wearers can now say “Happy Birthday Jeezus!” with hideous depictions of frolicking reindeer in flagrante delicto splashed right across their torsos. There are many ugly styles of fucking reindeer to choose from, in men’s, women’s and junior sizes. Why not mix-&-mismatch for the whole family?
Don’t forget special gifts for your favorite homophobes! Admittedly, we have not yet run this particular selection by the Palace’s Official Gay Porn Consultant™. But frankly we just don’t see where you can possibly go wrong here with this description [heavily redacted below; link = NSFW]:
“Horny Holiday follows the greeting card list of two lucky guys. As they fill out the holiday wishes, we are treated with a glimpse into the hot sex lives of the studs they are close to…With a well placed mirror, we are able to feast our eyes on the action from back and front at the same time…a great time next to the old Yule Log…The guys in this film are awesome at what they do and what they do is fun to watch.”
Featuring an all-Brazilian cast, this dick flick is sure to offend homophobes, racists and nativists alike! (SIDE NOTE: if you don’t have any friends who would actually enjoy receiving this film as a gift, well…you need to get some better friends.)
When money is no object, neither is there any limit to the depth of our deviousness. A Hong Kong-based company is offering only 100 Charter Corporate Platinum Memberships in Richman’s IMC (International Millionaire’s Club), billed as the world’s most expensive private club. Now before you balk at the $15.2 million price tag—which I admit did seem a little high at first glance—consider that this is not just a membership at a single club. No no. It’s an “all-access, first-class VIP pass” to multiple yacht clubs, country clubs, golf courses, ski resorts, jockey clubs, gentlemans clubs, supper clubs, luxury hotels and restaurants around the world, thus eliminating the need for multiple memberships! There are all kinds of additional perks, such as the right to own and race horses at China’s Royal Nanjing Jockey Club; personal bodyguards, travel guides and elite escorts worldwide; and the ability to charge expenses to an exclusive global biometrics-protected club card with a $1 million credit line—although I don’t know how anybody seriously expects to get very far on such a pittance these days.
Anyway, at $15.2 million, it’s a steal. Still don’t believe me? Just look at the kind of insufferable privileged twits your gift recipient will be stuck with, at sea, on chartered yachts!
Memberships are good for 30 years. That’s a looooong time, my friends, for you to enjoy snickering at the continuous pain you’ve so effortlessly inflicted on some deserving doucheweasel.
Perry Street Palace.