Loyal Readers™, it has come to our attention that a story with major world-altering consequences is being completely ignored by the mainstream media—as usual.
We refer of course to the news that yesterday, the G-type main-sequence star in the center of our solar system—it goes by the grandiose name of “The Sun,” as if there were only one!—erupted violently with not one but two of the strongest solar flares it is capable of unleashing. I am sure it will not be lost on astute readers here that these flares came just mere days after The Sun blasted a bunch of intense solar storms at our planet:
The sun fired off a flare that registered at X1.7 on the space weather scale at 4:01 a.m. EDT (0801 GMT) Friday, then followed with an X.2-class event at 11:03 a.m. EDT (1503 GMT). NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory captured video of the X1.7 solar flare, which came after several smaller sun storms over the last few days.
At this point in the investigation we cannot yet confirm whether it was the gays, the atheists or the abortionists that set the sun off (one early rumor we heard through our intelligence sources indicated that it might be the Saudi women’s campaign for driving privileges, but that was quickly dispelled because as it turns out the women intend to remain completely covered from head to toe). Either way, what we do know is that it is clear The Sun has WMDs and is perfectly willing to deploy them in our direction, and/or hates us for our Freedom™.
This. Will. Not. Stand.
President Obama, you really need to quit screwing around with Yemen and Libya and Pakistan and Colombia and Iran and Brazil and wherever else you’ve been illegally invading or occupying or spying since taking office that we have already forgotten about, and immediately direct the total defense resources of the United States at the real terrorist menace: The Sun.
We implore you to invade that @$$hole before it’s too late and the Earth is reduced to nothing but a smoking cinder. Otherwise, the terrorists win.