New and improved church signs.

Since we last mocked the church sign in the town where my mother lives, there have been two more embarrassing attempts at cleverness to which hapless passersby have been subjected. I mentioned in that post that the Religion-Industrial-Complex is the beneficiary of $82 billion in yearly taxpayer subsidies, and concluded that therefore I was justified in amusing myself by suggesting helpful edits to church signs. After all, surely I deserve to obtain at least some benefit from my support of these ubiquitous monuments to superstition and ignorance. Don’t you think?

churchsign04FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES.
IT MESSES
WITH THEIR HEADS!

It’s hard to believe the bible even says “forgive your enemies” when the god character in that book sure doesn’t set much of an example, what with all his smiting, child murdering, genocidal tantrums, burning people in a lake of fire forever and whatnot. But in any case, this is just really bad advice. Ima fix dat.

churchsign04.1DO NOT FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES!
IT MESSES GIVES ABUSIVE ASSHOLES
WITH THEIR HEADSTHE FALSE IMPRESSION
THEY’RE NOT TERRIBLE PEOPLE!

Among my enemies are people who have shut down the U.S. fucking government (except for its war machinery of course) in a bid to deny people healthcare. And people who would legally cement my status as that of an enslaved breeding sow. Even if there were anything remotely forgivable about any of that (there isn’t), what message would that be sending? I’ll tell you exactly what message: That horrible people can inflict pain and death on others at will, and it’s not really all that big a deal. Fuck that. A demand to forgive someone who is knowingly and deliberately harming you is a classic abuser’s move.

This next one had me temporarily baffled:

churchsign05WHEN THE CHIPS ARE
DOWN, DANCE WITH GOD!
SUNDAY SERVICES:
TRADITIONAL 9 AM
CONTEMPORARY 11 AM

Chips? What “chips are down”? Tortilla chips? Buffalo chips? And what do chips of any kind have to do with…dancing?

Oh wait, I get it! It actually makes perfect sense. Here are a few suggested edits, just for the sake of clarity:

churchsign05.1WHEN THE CHIPS ARE
DOWN, DANCE WITH GOD!
YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD ‘EM, KNOW WHEN TO FOLD ‘EM
KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY, KNOW WHEN TO RUN…
SUNDAY SERVICES:
TRADITIONAL 9 AM
CONTEMPORARY POKER and DANCING! 11 AM

I had no idea churches ran gaming rackets and discos for Jeezus. Must be one of those liberal congregations.

One thought on “New and improved church signs.

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