From: Nancy Pelosi <email@example.com>
Subject: As of 7pm:
Date: August 31, 2013 7:34:44 PM EDT
To: Iris Vander Pluym
I just heard!
As of 7pm, we’re within striking distance of reaching 50,000 donations for a Democratic majority!
There are almost 50,000 people who want Democrats to win a majority? Seriously? Holy $#!+ that’s fucking terrifying.
The timing couldn’t be better: If we can hit our goal before tonight’s midnight fundraising deadline, it would be a stinging rebuke to Speaker Boehner and the Republicans standing in our way.
Oooooh. A stinging rebuke! How ever will he survive it?
And Boehner and the Republicans are standing in your way of what, exactly? An illegal war in Syria? NSA funding? I’d write a check to the fucking Tea Party before I’d write one to you. True, they are a bunch of dumbass ignorant narcissists, but at least they’ll curb your worst excesses. (You know, I’ve really come to appreciate the vaunted two party system in the last six years, let me tell you.)
We’re not quite there yet, so I have to ask — can you chip in?
I certainly can chip in. But rather than give you fuckers one red cent, I’d prefer to have route canal performed via my eye socket, thanks.
MIDNIGHT DEADLINE: Donate $3 or whatever you can and we’ll triple-match your gift >>
Well then, why don’t you just assume I was going to give you $3, and just go ahead and kick in the nine bucks anyway? Oooh! I know! Or how about you assume I was going to give you $300? $3,000? $30,000? $300,000? $3 million? Yes, that’s it! I was totally going to give you guys $3 million! But then, I decided at the very last minute to buy myself a really fast airplane instead. So I can, you know, fly it to Costa Rica or Ecuador or someplace, when the shit hits the fan as a direct result of you fuckers being a bunch of craven doucheweasels. But you guys should totally go ahead and TRIPLE-MATCH my really generous almost-donation and get yourselves elected!
As if anyone gives a shit.
50,000 donations is a big deal — and I know we can get there by tonight with your help.
Oh, no no no. Thank YOU, Nancy, for always helping me keep my priorities straight.
Ladies and Gentlemen: The New Palace Jet!