In a scene right out of a teenage comedy, the President of the United States is officially snubbing the President of Russia. You see, Vladimir Putin was nice to someone that our president doesn’t like, and now President Putin is to be shunned and treated like a wallflower by the world’s Queen Bee at the social event of the season—the upcoming cotillion ball.
President Obama will cancel a planned meeting in Moscow with Russian President Vladimir Putin amid mounting anger over Russia’s decision to allow National Security Agency leaker Edward Snowden into the country, the White House said Wednesday.
Obama had intended to visit Russia’s capital and meet with Putin in advance of next month’s G-20 summit in St. Petersburg. But Obama has decided he will not meet with Putin one-on-one — a rare diplomatic snub — and will only attend the G-20 summit.
In a jealous snit, Barack Obama announced a totally new BFF: Sweden.
Instead of visiting Moscow in advance of the G-20 summit, Obama will travel to Stockholm on Sept. 4.
“Sweden is a close friend and partner to the United States,” [White House press secretary Jay] Carney said in a statement.
Sweden, Loyal Readers™ may recall, has been sucking up to the Queen for quite some time now. Sweden proved its loyalty by, among other gestures, engaging in an unprecedented bullying campaign against Julian Assange—another kid the president really, really doesn’t like and doesn’t want anyone else to be friends with, ever.
Obama also took to the airwaves to gossip to everyone who can stand Jay Leno that the president was furious at Russia for being nice to the seriously uncool Snowden, but only came off sounding petty and foolish after acknowledging that despite all the histrionics, the U.S. does not actually have an extradition treaty with Russia. He also took advantage of the opportunity to trash talk his former date for the dance:
“I was disappointed,” … Obama added, “There are times when they slip back into Cold War thinking and Cold War mentality. What I continually say to them and to President Putin — that’s the past.”
Translation: “During the Cold War there were two Queen Bees, who generally kept each other and their respective hives in check. Now there is only one Queen Bee. AND I AM THE ONLY QUEEN BEE!!! ME! ME! ME! EVERYONE BETTER DO WHAT I SAY OR I WILL TOTALLY
SANCTION AND STARVE YOUR CITIZENS INVADE YOUR COUNTRY DRONE BOMB YOUR PEOPLE STING YOUR ASS!
Afterward, Obama’s court jester, Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-Wall $treet), poked lighthearted fun in the chilly atmosphere with his trademark, mocking wit:
“President Putin is acting like a school-yard bully and doesn’t deserve the respect a bilateral summit would have accorded him,” Schumer said.
Bwahahahahahaha! What a pisser.
I just hope it’s not too late now for poor President Putin to find a suitable date for the dance. I hear Kim Jong-un is free that day, but the attention such a pairing would generate might only enrage the Queen Bee further, potentially ruining the party for, like, everyone on the planet. Dilma Rousseff might be a better choice. She seems fun, and Putin will probably have a better time with her than with that awful scheming meanie, Barack Obama.