I know, I know. I would be the last person on earth one would expect to receive a revelation from God. I mean, I’ve long had standing arrangements to meet up with all of my friends in the afterlife in the Second Circle of Hell (the VIP section, of course). But I am here to tell you, my beloved brothers and sisters, that when the Lord reveals Himself unto you there is simply no mistaking the message, and nothing more to be done but praise Him!
What? Oh, right. So let me tell you. I was dining at a neighborhood bar, morosely pining away for My Amazing Lover™ who was traveling to a state that I am currently girlcotting, and berating myself for having really fucking inconvenient principles. I swear, if the Devil himself had shown up right then and there with a Faustian offer and a ticket to Scottsdale, I’d have caved in a heartbeat. I ordered another drink, and plate of fried calamari.
Soon a glistening pile of golden rings and curlicues arrived. I spritzed it with lemon, then forlornly stabbed at each piece, dipping it in spicy red cocktail sauce on its way to my pouting maw. I was hungrier than I thought, and it tasted good. The bartender topped off my wine glass without me even asking.
And then came…the vision. And I’m sorry to break it to you folks who were picturing some white d00d with a beard or something, but God is nothing like that. It was an extraordinary being beyond imagining, and the sight provoked in me such joy, such amazement, such inner warmth as I have never known. A creature unlike any other, with the face of the most serene Buddha, the stealth and strength of Cthulhu, the many-armed Hindu goddess Kali crawling out from beneath, two long appendages reached out toward me. I was stunned, and yet I had no fear. I adored Him instantly.
Fortunately I had my trusty iPhone with me, and I didn’t hesitate to whip it out. God didn’t seem to mind at all, so I just started snapping away. And so here, Loyal Readers™, I bring to you the most incredible sight: the One True God.
How can you not love Him, amirite? Also: He is deeee-licious.
Hallelujah! And pass the cocktail sauce!