I must look really stupid or something.

Iris — We are conducting a membership audit before the first FEC deadline of President Obama’s second term. Your membership is pending.

Name: Iris Vander Pluym
Supporter record: [REDACTED]
2013 Membership: Pending

My membership?  My membership in…what?  Ooh!  Ooh!  Maybe what I have long been waiting for has finally arrived:  my membership card for access to the V.I.P. section in Dante’s Ninth Circle of Hell, where I plan to meet all my friends in the afterlife.*

If you support President Obama’s agenda, it is CRITICAL that you renew your membership in the next 72 hours.

Now hold on there, Skippy.  President Obama’s agenda includes illegal wars,  due-process free assassinations that kill civilians, drilling offshore and in the Arctic, constructing the Keystone XL pipeline and cutting Social Security benefits for no good reason whatsoever.  I do not support that agenda.  Why on earth would any Democrat?  (To be fair, this new EPA rule requiring cleaner gas and better emission standards is a good thing — however inexcusably late in coming and insufficient it may be.)

Anyway, there’s more:

John Boehner and Paul Ryan have already stockpiled millions of dollars for the sole purpose of blocking President Obama’s second term agenda. If we don’t catch up soon, we are in real trouble.

OMFG!  You mean the very same Republican sociopath Paul Ryan whose Democratic opponent — ROB ZERBAN — you could not be arsed to support?  Why, it’s almost as if you want Paul Ryan in Congress, so you can use him as a fundraising bogeyman.  Or maybe, just maybe…you’re really not all that far apart.

According to our audit, we need 35,000 renewals by Sunday’s fundraising deadline to keep pace. That means we need you. This is urgent.

You know what’s urgent?  Stopping the killing of civilians in drone strikes.  Single payer healthcare.  Serious action on global warming.  Prosecuting war criminals and returning our standing in the world.  JOBS.

Iris — click this personalized link to renew your membership with a donation of $3 or more >>

Nah.  I think I’ll give my $3 to Rob Zerban instead.  Actually, I’ll make it $25.  Hey, you guys know he’s considering running again, right?  Against Paul Ryan.  Ahem.

Boehner and Ryan depend on the Koch Brothers and Big Oil; we rely on your grassroots support.

Hahaha.  Sure you do.  I don’t know about Boehner, but for sure Paul Ryan depends on your ignoring viable Democratic candidates who run against him.

Thanks for standing with us,
Democratic Headquarters

I stand as far away from you as humanly possible.
-Palace Headquarters

*There is no afterlife.  Which is a really good thing, because shitty Democrats would undoubtedly fuck that up too.

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