Handy retorts to godbags.

A correspondent was annoyed when someone started off a discussion in a professional industry chat area on LinkedIn with this bit of scripture:

Phil 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

In reply, my godless correspondent went on a righteous rant about “superstitious tripe,” what an evil @$$hole the god of the bible is, and how professionals need not appeal to a genocidal figment of the imagination for anything.  Then came a response from another godbag so utterly typical in such contexts that one could easily predict every word of it:  calling my correspondent angry at god, announcing that a bunch of Christians are now praying for his immortal soul, and winding up with the most tedious finish ever, “God bless you” — followed, of course, by yet another banal line of scripture.


This only irked my correspondent further.  And why would it not?  It is just so dreary and dull to be accused of being angry at a god that one does not believe exists.  (How does that even work, anyway?)  But by giving a perfectly rational, fact-based reply to the godbag, my correspondent missed a golden opportunity for some great fun.  After all, if reason or reality could sway such people, well, they wouldn’t be godbags in the first place, would they.  It is also well-established that nonbelievers know more about religion than its professed adherents do.  And I am here to tell you, Loyal Readers™, there is much joy and satisfaction to be had in quoting scripture back at scripture-quoting godbags.  For example:

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.  -Ezekiel 23:20

Awesome.  Amirite?  Or how about this one:

My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.  -Song of Solomon 5:4

Hahaha.  That one usually gets ’em pretty torqued up.

I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.  -Song of Solomon 2:3

The LORD approves of enthusiastic blowjobs.  (Duh. He’s a d00d.)

The LORD will visit Tyre, and she shall turn to her hire, and shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world upon the face of the earth. And her merchandise and her hire shall be holiness to the LORD.  -Isaiah 23:17-18

The LORD loves this fornicating whore.  Neat!  And here’s something special just for the ladies:

Come … blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.”   -Song of Solomon 4:16

The reason I recommend deploying these scraps of scripture in particular is because by and large the Christians I’ve encountered who post bible quotes on the web tend to hold seriously unhealthy views about sex and sexuality.  Like most social conservatives, they seem obsessed with “purity,” and particularly with the perverse concept of sexual purity.  And nothing — nothing — riles them up more than the thought of kinky, dirty, wanton sex co-mingled in the very pages of their pure, holy book.

Much of the bible is morally repellant (that god character does not come off well at all). however many godbags have apologetics at the ready for the more well-known absurdities.  But no matter:  there is just so much utterly bizarre stuff in the bible to choose from it’s nearly impossible to pick a favorite verse.  Here’s another good one:

You shall eat the flesh of your sons, and you shall eat the flesh of your daughters.  -Leviticus 26:29

And here I thought only we atheists ate BBQ babies.  Huh.

Another favorite bible story comes from Genesis 19, wherein two angels are sent to the city of Sodom to visit Lot, a “just and righteous man” according to the god.  Apparently, these two angel d00ds are gorgeous hotties, and the pervy Sodomites surround Lot’s house and demand that he hand the angels over to them so they can, you know, have their way with them.  Lot refuses.  Instead, he offers up to the mob his own two virgin daughters, saying “do unto them as is good in your eyes.”  Gee thanks, dad!  So they rape Lot’s daughters all night long and somehow manage not to kill them.  I guess they are good at this.  Anyway, then the god kills everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah, but he lets Lot and his daughters escape and they camp out in a cave for a while.  There the daughters get their father drunk, then they each rape him in order to get pregnant and bear his sons.  (Sons. Of course.)  Now are those some just and righteous family values or what!

The timeline isn’t entirely clear to me, so I don’t understand how everyone can be so sure that the children were conceived with Lot and not one of those angel raping horndogs.  But hey, it says so right there in the bible, so it must be true.

Deploy.  And enjoy.

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