The Palace has long specialized in mockery, but I’m afraid we may have finally met our match. We simply lack sufficient words to effectively ridicule a recent piece by one Kathleen O’Brien Wilhelm, a conservative columnist and blogger from Ohio. We refer to her latest (and perhaps greatest?) work for the Avon-Avon Lake Patch, a local news outlet where she has a monthly column. Her essay, entitled “Animals Can’t Talk,” laments the unfortunate waste of taxpayer money spent on — are you ready for this? — “Deer Crossing” signs. Yep. Because — okay, are you sitting down? — deer cannot read.
A clumsy segue into confused statements about Obamacare and abortion and the wanton slaughter of seals provides its own pleasures to be sure, but it is but a momentary diversion from the real world class inanity on display here. If we didn’t know better, we’d swear the whole thing was ripped right out of The Onion. But no.
Posted on February 10, 2013 at 9:40 pm
Signs that read “Deer Crossing” and the like are going to continue to pop up throughout our country including Avon Lake, but who are these signs for? Deer cannot read, do not obey the law and probably will cross where they wish. Although adorable companions, it is hard to remember the last time that the news reported an animal talking, thinking or providing significant input for the benefit of society. Yet, these signs cost taxpayers like so much of government.
Dogs, cats, whales, seals and deer are animals that might enhance a human’s life, but all cannot read, write or think. They are animals. Yes, people dress them, buy them extravagant blinge [sic] and do other strange things with them; however, animals are not human. They are on this earth like trees to make humans’ lives better. As humans we must be kind to them, eat them when hungry, feed them when they are, but remember they are here to enhance our lives. Besides, it appears that this gesture of kindness to animals does not extend human to human. This President’s Obamacare appears to welcome abortion of innocent babies. It is painful to think that there are those who cry for seals while Obamacare never blinks an eye at abortion.
Somewhere the advancement of society has been limited by animals and the unscientific malarkey of loons. America has had to halt drilling, construction, experiments for medicine and cosmetics and much that might benefit humans.
Yes, signs are important– to humans; “Stop” signs, and others are more than just costly decorations scattered along the roadways. However, depending on the school district, most humans can read them, but animals not so much.
I can’t…I don’t even…WHAT?!
Reading it in the most favorable light I can muster, perhaps Ms. O’Brien Wilhelm was attempting to be witty with lines like “it is hard to remember the last time that the news reported an animal talking” and “depending on the school district, most humans can read [signs].” But her argument against deer crossing signs because the animals cannot read them appears to be serious — at least as serious as other pontifications, like “[animals] are on this earth like trees to make humans’ lives better.” In any case, her writing is so terrible that one would be hard pressed to spot the difference between the painfully earnest pronouncements about “abortion of innocent babies” and her flailing attempts at humorous quips.
I mean…Jeezus. Either “Kathleen O’Brien Wilhelm” is the greatest and most elaborate parody ever concocted in the history of the Internet, or…just, wow.
I’ll get the Palace Lab working on recalibrating the Mockery Machine™ immediately.
[h/t Chris Clarke]
UPDATE: For the love of dog. It turns out this is actually A Thing. Longtime Loyal Reader nubs has just alerted the Palace to a post at Heavy.com from a few months back:
CONFUSED CALLER: Woman Doesn’t Understand Deer Can’t Read Signs
A woman in North Dakota’s hit a lot of deer over the past few years, and we’re thinking she hit her head off the steering wheel a few times too. If she didn’t, why can’t she understand that deer don’t look for deer crossing signs? In this YouTube-d audio clip from Y94 Playhouse in Fargo, ND, a woman asks for help getting deer crossing signs moved to lower traffic areas, because the four-legged menaces are crossing the road where all the cars are driving.
Somehow, she thinks if the crossing signs are in lower traffic areas, “The government can guide deer to lower traffic areas.”
To their credit, the DJ’s try a few times to get her to understand that the “Deer Crossing” signs are for humans and not for the deer. Finally, they promise her they’ll help her spread the word.
Enjoy! And watch out for the rogue deer who won’t cross at the signs!
I’m not sure I can really “enjoy” anything about this: I’m more inclined to weep for humanity. Your mileage, of course, may vary.