Today brings extraordinary news in combating the scourge that is Conservative Personality Disorder — while simultaneously eliminating the deficit.
I know: it sounds too good to be true. And maybe it is, at least in terms of unforeseen consequences. But the Palace Lab has recently uncovered an astonishing manifestation of CPD that may lead to its containment and permanent quarantine, if not outright eradication. For it turns out that extreme CPD cases will voluntarily band together and isolate themselves in remote fortresses, rather than breathe the same air as liberals. My Beloved Loyal Readers™, I give you the Citadel:
What is the Citadel?
The Citadel is a developing community of Patriots in the mountains of Idaho who believe in Jefferson’s Rightful Liberty and have chosen to live amongst one another, who have sworn their Lives, their Fortunes and their Sacred Honor to defend one another and Liberty.
Not just patriots, mind you: “Patriots.” And not plain old liberty, either: “Liberty.” And Lives! And Fortunes! And Sacred Honor, too! [Editor’s Note: CPD symptom cluster 16 = poor facility with native language: writing characterized by excessive or unusual capitalization…]
Oh, but there’s much, much more:
Patriots understand that an epic storm is coming to America. Economic collapse is imminent.
Meanwhile, everyone else understands that an epic storm already came to America when conservatives reached critical mass in government, and that economic collapse happened in 2008 (again) as a direct result of conservative economic policies.
Disruptions of Just-in-Time supply lines will lead America into chaos. Violence along racial, ethnic, religious and economic class lines will bring forth famine, disease and a fundamental reset of life in America.
Sounds like a conservative wet dream: disaster capitalism FTW!
A group of Patriots have decided to build a community off the most likely lines of peril, a bastion of Jefferson’s Rightful Liberty where we may remain safe, warm, healthy and comfortable while American society suffers the inevitable destruction that must accompany the decades of degenerating morality of our Countrymen.
[See above re: “inevitable destruction” and 2008.]
The cornerstone of the Citadel is III Arms Company, an industry to support the first wave of Patriots who will become modern American Pioneers. We will build Fighting Arms and ammunition for Patriots and around us a town will begin to grow. Other revenue streams are already in the works.
Oooh, Fighting Arms! But here’s where it gets very, very interesting:
Our intent is to purchase at least one thousand acres, and construct a walled town of at least one square mile to withstand any potential violence from hungry, diseased Souls. Obviously the Citadel is not being built to defy any laws of the United States or the State of Idaho, or to withstand any .gov or .mil attack. Our fortifications are merely defensive for a SHTF [SHTF = “Shit Hit The Fan” -Ed.] world.
The Citadel will have between 3,500 and 5,000 households within the walls, with a single gate permitting access. The Citadel is not to be a closed society, instead a refuge for genuine Patriots who wish to live without neighbors who are Liberals and Establishment political ideologues, open for tourists who will be welcomed into our town to visit our planned Firearms Museum, shop in our Town Center, stay in a B&B or hotel while vacationing and exploring the wonderful skiing, hunting and fishing opportunities in the area, and many other attractions we will offer.
OMFG I CANNOT WAIT TO VISIT THE CITADEL! (Provided, that is, the “hunting opportunities” are not directed at liberals. Or at Liberals.) Seriously: in a single day this blog will have gathered enough material to supply multiple lifetimes of mockery.
If you are a patriotic American who believes in Jefferson’s Rightful Liberty, who believes in the Constitution as written, who believes in the Declaration of Independence, and who wishes to live in a beautiful, secure mountain town that bans Liberals from living among us, consider exploring the Citadel as we evolve and build. If you need to escape your suburban life and the vulnerabilities your family faces, consider the Citadel.
By all means, if you wish to live in a town that bans liberals (or, alternatively, Liberals), consider the Citadel! PLEASE CONSIDER THE CITADEL.
Ours is a community of Riflemen and Patriots. Living in a house, townhome or condo within the Citadel requires residents to voluntarily assume responsibilities for the common defense.
Oh, yes. I’m quite sure many people will want to invade.
Our community is not for everyone.
Well, it’s not for liberals — and it’s definitely not for Liberals! Or for anyone else who holds a modicum of sanity, an understanding of primates, and/or a commitment to constitutional democracy.
But if you think you and your family would like to live among real Patriots and to be prepared for an America when the SHTF, consider the Citadel.
Or consider that you might be the S that hit the F. In 2008.
If you are looking for a fresh start, a place to open your dream business in a community where Free Enterprise reigns, a home in a place that will be safe when the rest of America begins to suffer from the long train of abuses endured for several generations, consider the Citadel.
You know, Riflemen and Patriots alike could save themselves a whole lot of time, trouble and money if they would instead consider moving to the conservative paradise of Somalia. (We will happily hold swanky fundraisers at the Palace to raise the money for one-way tickets.) As I wrote here:
Somalia [is] the very epitome of “small government” paradise. Paul Ryan, eat your heart out: the Somali government has the conservative dream budget: “revenues: $NA. expenditures: $NA.” Government education expenditures are non-existent—males average three years of schooling, females two—so it is not surprising that only half the male population is literate, and only a quarter of females. With no government public health system, there is a high risk of contracting major infectious diseases such as hepatitis A and E, typhoid fever, dengue fever and malaria; lack of government funding for sanitation and sewage systems fuel epidemics of waterborne diseases like bacterial diarrhea. As we all know from history, wherever and whenever there is no strong central government to prevent it, human apes tend to go fractally tribal: they devolve into violent patriarchal clans that fight each other for resources, with strict local hierarchies headed by alpha thugs who make (and break) all the rules, dispensing their own brand of “justice” with impunity. The conservative utopia of Somalia is no exception. According to the U.S. State Department, armed banditry, road assaults, kidnappings for ransom, shootings and grenade attacks on public markets, detonations of anti-personnel and-vehicle land mines, outbreaks of civil unrest, and illegal roadblocks resulting in serious injury or death are exceedingly common. Women and children fare particularly poorly in conservative paradise: maternal mortality is second in the world (behind Afghanistan), and infant mortality is fourth. With no government justice system to punish perpetrators, the violent rape of women and children is beyond an epidemic—it’s a social norm. Poverty is ubiquitous; life spans are short.
They will love it. I also hear the winters there are better than Idaho’s.
But whether they move en mass to Somalia or prefer to do the whole Citadel thing in Idaho, the benefits to the country cannot be overstated:
- Think of all the tax money we’ll save now that we won’t need to fund all those FEMA camps we thought we needed to round up and incarcerate conservatives: remarkably, they intend to extricate themselves from society — and on their own dime!
- With conservatives concentrating themselves in small, rural enclaves the electorate will swiftly tilt leftward, hard and fast enough to induce vertigo. All sorts of previously unthinkable things will be featured on the menu. Single payer health care. Massive defense budget cuts. Ending the drug war. Ending the other wars. Clean energy and infrastructure investments. Environmental defense. A return to the rule of law. Impeachment (and/or mooning) of conservative Supreme Court Justices.
- Public education will benefit broadly as school boards and teachers will no longer have to defend against teaching creationism and other really stupid stuff. Scientific and historical literacy will soar.
- As Red States become Blue, teenage pregnancy rates, divorce rates, religiosity and a whole host of other social ills will plummet dramatically.
- Without the constant siphoning of Blue State surplus funds to all those Red State self-made bootstrappers, we will have a healthy, economically secure and well-educated populace — and zero debt — in a matter of a decade. Maybe two.
Of course we will need to set aside generous provisions for those scaling the walls to escape the Citadel, especially women and children. But if this isn’t the most exciting news you’ve heard in years, well, you’re obviously at the wrong Palace.
On a somewhat related note: am I the only lefty alarmed that the only people packing serious heat these days are either criminals, militarized police forces and/or wingnuts? Liberals just might want to get over their natural aversion to guns – right quick. Consider the 9mm semi-automatic.