I must admit that I know little about Switzerland. I was there only once: years ago, I won a design competition and the prize was a first class trip for two to Winterthur. I took with me long time friend and loyal reader nubs goodyear, and we had an enjoyable time visiting museums, touring the countryside, shopping in Zurich, and plotting to open Swiss bank accounts with our pathetic piles of Swiss francs just so we could say we had them. (No takers.) I rather like the fact that there is no official Swiss language: depending on the closest bordering country, local Swiss mainly speak French, Italian or German, and usually all three — as well as excellent English. Likewise, the cuisine is a similar melange of culinary influences from beyond the country’s borders. The trains run precisely on time: you can set your (Swiss) watch to it. (We found out the hard way that if one arrives at the platform 20 seconds after the scheduled departure time, one can expect to watch the last train car exiting the far end of the station.) And the chocolate is… well, Swiss. Let’s just say that these people take their hot chocolate very, very seriously. Ever since that trip, I have been constitutionally unable to gag down anything Nestle has on offer.
In sum, I have nothing but the most pleasant memories of Switzerland. Perhaps this is why I went into mild shock today when I read the following headline:
Rep. Bachmann becomes Swiss citizen.
As in, Representative Michele Bachmann, former presidential candidate, textbook CPD case, Christianist kook and world class dumbass. Don’t get me wrong—my first thought was how overjoyed I would be to see her out of the United States permanently, although I certainly wouldn’t wish her on any other country in the world. But my hopes were soon dashed when I discovered that the congresscritter from Minnesota obtained dual citizenship:
Rep. Michele Bachmann is not only an American, she’s also a citizen of Switzerland.
Switzerland recently granted the former GOP presidential candidate and Minnesota congresswoman dual citizenship. It all stems from Bachmann’s husband, Marcus, whose parents are Swiss.
“Congresswoman Bachmann’s husband is of Swiss descent so she has been eligible for dual-citizenship since they got married in 1978. However, recently some of their children wanted to exercise their eligibility for dual-citizenship so they went through the process as a family,” Bachmann spokeswoman Becky Rogness said in an e-mail today.
Maybe the Bachmann kids are smart enough to want get out of the U.S. before mom and her wacky friends finally get their fascist theocracy? Or maybe they just want health care.
Regardless, this next tidbit made me choke on my fair trade organic Peruvian coffee:
Bachmann, who is running for re-election in the U.S. House, is now also eligible to run for office in Switzerland.
I read that twice. And wept. Not just for the Swiss, either. As you can see from the map below, Switzerland is centrally located in Europe, and thus it occupies the ideal location for a particularly virulent epidemic of Conservative Personality Disorder to spread throughout Europe, and beyond. Add in the factors of a multilingual population and an excellent rail system, and I’m sure you can see how the Swiss disease vector could prove to be particularly vicious.
Of course, the Austerity Idiot Brigades already have a foothold in Europe. Through their irrational, greedy, nonsensical and dogmatic stupidity, these particularly depraved economic conservatives are presently threatening to crash not only the European economy but the whole world’s. Economic conservatism is disastrous enough, but social conservatism can bring nothing but additional misery. If the Swiss are foolish enough to let the Bachmanns become citizens, what’s next? Rick Santorum? Ann Coulter? The Duggars?
At present, all we can do is watch helplessly, and warn our fellow citizens of the planet:
Beware, all you godless Scandinavians!
Beware, you Spanish socialists!
THERE IS NO KNOWN CURE
CONSERVATIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER.