American = Republican. Also: Latinos are ignorant, promiscuous criminals.

Remember the other day when we regaled you with our fond memories of corresponding briefly with conservative icon Phyllis Schlafly?   She’s BAAAAAACK:

Yesterday, the New York Times reported on new census data which showed, for the first time, that non-white births made up over 50 percent of all births in the United States last year.

It marked an important milestone, indicative of a changing United States that has long been considered the world’s melting pot. Or, if you’re the conservative, Phyllis Schlafly-backed Eagle Forum, it’s a clarion call that America is in grave danger of being overrun by uneducated, un-American brown people:

It is not a good thing. The immigrants do not share American values, so it is a good bet that they will not be voting Republican when they start voting in large numbers.

[…]

Instead, the USA is being transformed by immigrants who do not share those values, and who have high rates of illiteracy, illegitimacy, and gang crime, and they will vote Democrat when the Democrats promise them more food stamps.

That’s right, people: it is simply un-American to vote for anyone other than Republicans.  Republicans, you see, are those admirable Real Americans who would never under any circumstances offer people food stamps.  EAT YOUR BOOTSTRAPS, KIDDIES!

Note that the Times article referenced in the quote is about children who were born here, otherwise known as U.S. citizens.  But no matter: they’re still “the immigrants.”  And illiterate, illegitimate ones at that.  This is obviously their own fault, because Republicans have always lavishly funded our world-renowned school systems, and yet these brown kids simply refuse to learn to read.  In those same sparkling schoolrooms we teach them all the joys and wonders of abstinence-only sex, and yet they persist in having more brown children out of wedlock.  I tell you, it’s an outrage.

I have to wonder:  have these conservatives ever actually met any American Latinos?  A good friend of mine — let’s call him Juan — immigrated from Ecuador as a child, and he and his family became U.S. citizens.  Juan owns his own home in Queens, and works long hours at two jobs to support his wife of twenty years and their children.  His oldest son attends a prestigious public high school in Manhattan, one that specializes in math and science and is exceedingly difficult to get into.

Another friend I’ve known for many years — let’s call her Ana — is a second-generation Puerto Rican.  She escaped a horribly abusive first marriage (to a native-born Caucasian) with her young son, and juggled multiple jobs for many years to raise him on her own into the hard-working young man (and gifted writer) he is today.

Neither Juan nor Ana went to college—but they sure as hell want their kids to go.

In fact by far the hardest-working people I see on a daily basis are Latinos, mostly men, hauling food and freight around town, bussing tables and washing dishes in restaurants, mopping floors in white uniforms, and removing construction debris wearing papery masks that seem wholly inadequate to the task of protecting them from anything.

These people are an inspiring, living embodiment of the American Dream.

On the other hand we have the Phyllis Schlaflys of the world, who parade around the wingnut welfare circuit ludicrously railing against feminists (and “immigrants”), lucrative careers only made possible by feminist activism.

Phyllis Schlafly.

More from Think Progress:

Setting aside for a minute the offensive way in which the Eagle Forum dismisses all of “the immigrants” as thoughtless criminals, it’s telling that The Eagle Forum views this as simply a political problem. The Eagle Forum’s political allies have long insisted on treating immigrants as second-class citizens, and rather than pivot their policy proposals to better accommodate the nation’s shifting demographics, the group seems instead to want to curb minorities’ procreation.

HEY!  How about offering them free birth control and abortions?  Oh, right.

The Eagle Forum doesn’t dwell on the fringes of the conservative movement either. The group still wields considerable influence in conservative circles, and has achieved more than a few legislative victories, like derailing the Equal Rights Amendment in the 1970s and staunchly opposing bills aimed at protecting a women’s right to choose.

The post goes on to accuse immigrants–and, for reasons passing understanding, The New York Times for reporting on this–of seeking to “destroy the American family,” arguing that immigrants do not share American values.

Immigrants are American values, you insufferable nitwits.

Yeah, I think I’ll cast my lot with the “immigrants.”  The sooner Mrs. Schlafly and her ilk are relegated to an insignificant minority, the better off everyone will be.

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