Welcome to the Palace, Texans!

Among this week’s top search terms that led people to discover for the first time all the joys and wonders of Perry Street Palace is the phrase “how to penetrate in vagina.”  Call me a cynic, but I find it exceedingly difficult to believe that anyone who can type “how to penetrate in vagina” into a search engine is somehow in need of a how-to guide for het intercourse.

Unless of course that person is a Texan.  I refer, naturally, to the Lone Star State’s status as “The Worst of the Worst” when it comes to sex education.

  • More than 96% of Texas school districts teach abstinence only.
  • Texas has the highest teen birth rate in the nation: out of every 1,000 Texas teenage girls, 62 give birth to a child.
  • After decades of nationwide research, it is abundantly clear that abstinence only education is an abject failure:  states where abstinence-only education reigns supreme have the highest rates of teen pregnancy in the United States, while states that favor comprehensive sexual education — the type that teaches students about birth control — have the lowest levels of teen pregnancy.
  • In 2010 Texas rejected $4.4 million in federal funds for comprehensive sex education.
  • Governor Rick Perry: “Abstinence works…it is the best form to teach our children.”

Now, it should not be the responsibility of the Palace to explain “how to penetrate in vagina” just because Texas politicians are @$$holes of cosmic proportions.  Nevertheless, we feel strongly that the urgently necessary thing to do is to provide our fellow citizens with vital information on basic human sexuality both as a public health service, and because it is the morally right goddamn thing to do as a human being.

“how to penetrate in vagina”
for het male Texans
-by Iris Vander Pluym

[DISCLAIMER:  We are neither professional sex educators nor public health officials.  The advice, opinions, and information given herein is solely that of the author, based on personal experience and experiences related by others, as well as on research found on the all-seeing, all-knowing Internet machine.  For Texas girls and women who may also be searching for “how to penetrate in vagina,” see Emily’s Nagoski’s posts how to break a hymen without a penis and/or how to break your hymen — seriously this time. ] 

  1. Go to a local pharmacy or convenience store and purchase a package of something called “condoms.”*
  2. Go home or someplace private, masturbate until you have an erection, and practice putting one of these condoms onto your erect penis.  Carefully remove it from the package.  Hold the tip of the condom between the thumb and forefinger(s) of one hand, place it on the tip of your penis, then unroll it all the way down to the base of the shaft with your other hand.  Holding the tip of the condom while unrolling it is critical, because (a) you need to leave room for your ejaculate, and (b) the condom will be less likely to break during intercourse if it has some room to slide.  Practicing this task a few times will engender familiarity and confidence with the proper technique and with the physical sensations of putting on a condom, so that when you do so immediately before penetration you will be less likely to fumble with it, get frustrated, and lose your erection.  You can masturbate until you ejaculate into the condom — or, you know, not.
  3. Find an enthusiastically consenting person with a vagina, one whom it is legal and moral for you to fuck.**
  4. Engage in something called “foreplay” to ensure mutual arousal.  This is important, because when a woman becomes sexually aroused her vagina becomes lubricated, and is thus much more easily and enjoyably penetrated.  Foreplay may include kissing, rubbing or massaging various parts of the body, nipple stimulation (for both men and women), oral or manual stimulation of genitals***, vaginal penetration with fingers, or any number of literally limitless tactile experiences in which you and your partner wish to engage.  A good rule of thumb for both partners is to ask “does this feel good?” and to give mutual feedback such as “that feels really good,” “press harder,” and “please do that again,” which are all self-explanatory, or “ouch” or “please stop,” which are also self-explanatory and require your immediate compliance.  Note that consent can be withdrawn by either partner, at any time, for any reason, and must be respected immediatelyThis is a non-negotiable rule.
  5. When you and your partner are ready to engage in penetration (i.e., she is well-lubricated and saying something along the lines of “please fuck me right now”), put on a condom just like you practiced.  Assuming she is lying down on her back, position your pelvis between her legs. Proceed to slowly press your cock into her vagina — you may wish to use your fingers to spread her labia and guide the tip of your penis to the vaginal opening — making sure she is enjoying the experience of penetration and wants it to continue.  It can be more pleasurable, for either partner or both, to achieve deep penetration with one slow, steady insertion, or by small pulsing motions wherein with each pressing motion you pull back a little bit and then thrust forward a little further than before.  (Some partners enjoy a very quick, forceful penetration, but with a new lover you should always proceed slowly and cautiously.)  Again, a general rule of thumb for both partners is to give mutual feedback such as “that feels really good” or “please stop,” and the same (non-negotiable) consent rule applies.  If you ever want to have truly mind-blowing sex with a woman, you will need her to trust you.  That means, among other things, stopping immediately when she says stop.
  6. Fuck your partner in ways that are pleasurable for both of you.  This may include slow grinding, forceful thrusting, moving into different positions, and taking breaks from intercourse to engage in other mutually pleasurable activities (see step 4, above) before resuming.
  7. Immediately after you ejaculate, secure the base of the condom and withdraw your still-erect penis.  This step ensures that none of your ejaculate escapes the condom and comes into contact with your partner.  Carefully remove the condom and throw it away.  Never re-use a condom.

A note about orgasms:  In general, biological reality dictates that you can have but one orgasm before a rest period during which you will be temporarily unable to maintain an erection.  Many women are not capable of having an orgasm from intercourse alone — this is perfectly normal and very common.  Should you wish to facilitate your partner’s orgasm, you can manually and/or orally stimulate her clitoris and/or labia in whatever ways she finds enjoyable before, during and after intercourse.  Women are potentially multi-orgasmic — that is, they can have sequential orgasms without a rest period in between. However, this does not mean that any particular sexual encounter must lead to even a single orgasm, for you or for her, in order for it to be exquisitely enjoyable.  Great sex is not strictly goal-oriented: it is pleasure-oriented, and that is a very different thing.  You can take a break, get dressed, go get something to eat or drink, watch a movie — and later pick up right where you left off.  The point is to truly enjoy each others bodies and sexuality, as well as your own.  It is a life-long journey of discovery, and one of the sublime pleasures of being human.

You may find further information that is helpful and of interest to you at sex educator Emily Nagoski’s blog, the dirty normal.  In particular, see by request to the teenage boy in your life.

For Texas girls and women who may also be searching for “how to penetrate in vagina,” see emily’s post how to break a hymen without a penis and/or how to break your hymen — seriously this time.

I am deeply sorry, new Texas readers, that the Texas public school system did not teach you this basic information about human sexuality and how to engage in it responsibly.  Your parents’ generation has failed you utterly.  Your political representatives have failed you inexcusably.  Your religious leaders have failed you profoundly.  Sex is a normal, healthy human activity that can be incredibly joyful, pleasurable and life-affirming, if it is engaged in responsibly, respectfully, and within sensible guidelines.  It should not be viewed as shameful or wrong in and of itself when such guidelines are rigorously respected and observed.  Nor should it be viewed through a twisted and perverse lens of predator and prey, as something that women “give up” and men “take” — or worse, “own.”  Truthful, comprehensive, reliable information about human sexuality should not be kept secret, distorted, filtered or otherwise withheld from the very people who are likely to engage in it.  To do so is manifestly immoral, if not downright evil.

[h/t Emily]


* If you lived in New York City your condoms would be free.  Yes, free.  That is because unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases are serious public health concerns, and sometimes matters of life and death, and our local public health department actually takes its role seriously.  Big Government is not intrinsically evil.

** Statutes vary by state with respect to age of consent.  It is not moral to fuck anyone who is trafficked or pimped, or with a diminished capacity to consent, for example due to alcohol or drug use.  Further, you yourself should not diminish your own capacity to consent (or to respect the wishes of your partner) by partaking of substances that inhibit your ability to think clearly.  Sex is awesome enough that it needs nothing more than mutual trust to enhance it.  If in doubt, do not proceed.  Always err on the side of caution, and live to fuck another day.

*** Oral and manual stimulation can be a vector for sexually transmitted diseases. You and your partner should know your STD status before engaging in more risky sexual behavior without a latex barrier.

1 thought on “Welcome to the Palace, Texans!

  1. Wow Iris, should have come with a WARNING, “reading this post could seriously lead to arousal of reader”

    Thanks much :)

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