Mocking ridiculous ideas never gets old. But as loyal readers well know, the Palace is so very busy mocking so very many things that try as we might, we cannot remotely keep up with this necessary and important work. Fortunately for all of us, the Internet abounds with outstanding mockers — including right here in our own comments section.
In response to yesterday’s post, in which we offered helpful advice for upping blog hit counts by incorporating keywords on the Department of Homeland Security Theatre™ blacklist in order to attract innumerable DHS analysts and agents to the website, the incomparable Jim Pettit generously sacrificed half of his lunch hour to invent the awesome Paranoiafier. Here’s how it works: you type in some text — it hardly matters what, but in my experience the more political the better — then press the Paranoiafy button, and voilà! Paranoiafier magically transforms your innocuous musings into a stream of your text littered with provocative words from the DHS blacklist. That the results are frequently hilarious is reason enough to Paranoiafy, but Jim’s purpose for creating paranoiafied text is much more visionary:
use it in your blog posts, forum comments, letters to the editor, facebook postings, or any other place to which you’d like to attract the attention of The True Defenders of the Homeland, while simultaneously rendering whatever you’re writing basically unreadable.
For my first try, I typed in “Testing, one, two, three.” Truly inspiring, I know. But wait! The paranoiafied version says:
Testing, Kidnap one, Tijuana two, Human to human three. Nuclear Cartel Tamiflu
I promptly sent this important message to the White House.
Last night I happily discovered I could re-paranoiafy the same text over and over again to my shriveled black heart’s content. “Mitt Romney won Michigan, and Arizona” yielded:
Mitt Brown out Romney E. Coli won Suspicious device Michigan, Colombia and Swine Arizona. Chemical burn
Mitt Riot Romney Homeland security won Earthquake Michigan, Chemical agent and Domestic nuclear detection Arizona. Hail
Mitt Nuclear threat Romney Police won Hail Michigan, Recall and Deaths Arizona. Erosion
I think I will wait to send these to his campaign until Romney locks up the nomination. Maybe I’ll get a visit from some hawt Secret Service d00ds out of it! Or better still, hawt Secret Service d00ds will do some preliminary investigation first and read posts at the Palace… thus upping my fucking hit count!
Paranoiafier — the best thing since sliced conservatives.
Fucking Republicans! Drilling now on 46th and Eighth!
LMAO, again! Still! Whatever! It’s funny because 46th St. and Eighth Ave. is one block from Times Square, and if conservatives have no restraint about drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge they sure as hell wouldn’t hesitate to drill in midtown Manhattan, ground zero of godless liberalism — well, except for the fact that it contains the headquarters of Rupert Murdoch’s media empire and almost every major bank among countless other monolithic monuments to conservatism.* It is most emphatically NOT funny because of the fact that 46th St. and Eighth Ave. is less than one block from Mr. Born’s Hell’s Kitchen Palace, and the ungodly racket must be driving him nuts. Nope.
But this work of mockery is truly outstanding for both its humor and brevity, whereas our own mockery tends toward the “not-really-all-that-hilarious,” as well as the “unconscionably-longwinded”. Well played, Mr. Born. Well played.
Finally — speaking of the ungodly — this morning we came across Advice God [h/t Pteryxx], a user-generated gallery of posters comprising an
unholy uproariously hilarious union of LOLcat speak and the god of the Old Testament. Here’s a small taste:
The fun keeps coming:
“Create entire universe out of nothing — Need Adam’s rib to create one more thing”
“Allow humans to exist in completely isolated jungle tribes in the Amazon — Send them to Hell for not being Christian”
“Abraham, kill your only son for me — LOL J/K”
“Evolution is not real — Unless they prove it, then it was my plan”
Many, many more here — and of course you can make and upload your own…
Well, I can see I’m not going to get anything done today.
Fortunately for me, it appears that I don’t have to: between those snarky godless denizens at Advice God and the Palace’s many tens of loyal readers, I’m covered.
* If oil reserves were ever discovered under Times Square, it would only be these selfsame Wingnut Brigades, Big Money Contingent, that could possibly block Exxon-Mobil’s drills from tearing it down. After which, all the liberals who signed online petitions to stop it and called their Senators in protest would congratulate ourselves on Making A Difference. LMAO.