Ask Iris: WTF is up with the birth control bull$#!+?

One of my many tens of loyal readers asks:

Q:  What do you think of all the bullshit about the contraceptives coverage?

A.  What a fucking joke.

The End.

I’m just kidding.  That is what my correspondent thinks of all the bullshit about the contraceptives coverage.  And although I wholeheartedly concur with this sentiment, as you may have guessed I also think other things about the bullshit over the contraceptives coverage.  For instance, I think it is important to keep in mind a few salient facts:

(Reuters) — Some 98 percent of sexually active Catholic women have used contraceptive methods banned by the church, research published on Wednesday showed.

A new report from the Guttmacher Institute, the nonprofit sexual health research organization, shows that only 2 percent of Catholic women, even those who regularly attend church, rely on natural family planning.

The latest data shows practices of Catholic women are in line with women of other religious affiliations and adult American women in general.

The recent brouhaha over coverage of birth control began when a federal agency announced the utterly obvious:  that birth control is basic, preventive health care for women, and therefore coverage must be provided by all employer-sponsored insurance plans, for free (no co-pay).  Oh, sure, there were exemptions for church employees, and for women who work at religious organizations that primarily employ believers of their faith delusions (98% of whom apparently use birth control despite what their dumbass doctrine demands).  But institutions with a secular purpose, ones that are merely associated with religions — such as Catholic hospitals and universities — were not exempt.

As you can probably imagine, this did not sit well with a tiny troop of fancy-dressing panty-sniffers, the All-Male Revue known as the Catholic Conference of Bishops.  They went craaaazeeee!  “Only two percent of Catholic women do what we tell them!” they whined, and twirled around and around in their exquisitely embroidered frocks, stamping their feet loudly.  “WAAAAAAH!”  And 98% of American Catholic women rolled their eyes, and then promptly had sex purely for the pleasure of it.

“Hey!”  One fancy man said.  “I know!  Why don’t we prance around in our wacky costumes and hats and make Obama do what we say!”

“Yes!” said another, this one resplendent in gold and bright green layers.  “We have to make someone do what we say, and that Obama d00d is worth a shot!”

A third chimed in:  “We are obviously the pinnacle of normal, healthy, human sexuality — and yet incredibly, no one ever listens to anything we have to say about sex!”

Soon, they were all excitedly marching and chanting in unison: “Make birth control access as difficult as possible for as many women as possible!  Also, we’re against abortion!”

Rick Santorum, a Catholic dimwit who is currently running for president, said the Obama administration was trying to “use their power to force people” to violate their beliefs.  That’s right:  that bastard Obama is using his power to force everyone to take prescription birth control pills!  Even Rick Santorum, and the Catholic Conference of Bishops!  And obviously, the Catholic church never uses its power to force people to violate their own beliefs, such as the belief that “I really do not want to be raped.”  Obviously.

Well, the Bishop contingent of the Forced Birth Brigades sure can kick up quite a shit storm when they put their pointy heads to it.  Just to put a stop their incessant and inane yammering, Obama came up with a compromise:

Instead, insurance companies will be directly responsible for providing free contraception.

And the Bishops rejoiced!!  No, they did not rejoice.  That is because their argument — that Catholic-affiliated organizations shouldn’t be forced to pay for basic healthcare they object to and that 98% of their women followers use — is not what the big fuss is all about.  The goal of the Catholic Conference of Bishops goal is to make birth control access as difficult as possible for as many women as possible — even non-Catholics — and the Obama compromise is definitely not helping.

Catholic Bishops quite openly want to create a living hell for women and girls, and it is well worth remembering that they sometimes succeed.


The Palace operates in keeping with the motto “know your enemies,” so we feel it is important to keep a keen eye on these Bishop d00ds, so we’ll know them when we see them.  To that end, we have collected some pictures of Bishop d00ds bishoping, or whatever it is they do when they are not busy creating a living hell for Vagina Americans, LGBTQI Americans, and children in their care.  Here they are in some of their more opulent garb, muttering mumbo-jumbo over some crackers and then eating little pieces of their god-man and drinking his blood, or some shit like that:

Note the fine embroidery and intricate lace patterns.

Here is my local fancy-man kook, Archbishop Dolan of the New York diocese.  He is the currently President of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.  He haz a sad, cuz da wimminz no likee poppin’ out lotsa baybeez:

How can anyone take this d00d seriously, about anything? Just look at his hat. Frankly, I’m dubious of the claim that he gets even 2% of Catholic women to listen to him.

The Bishops don’t always dress up like that.  Here is the Eastern Conference of Bishops on what I assume is a typical casual Friday.  Either that or it was Halloween, and they decided to go trick-or-treating en masse dressed up like that priest from The Exorcist.

Casual Friday and/or Halloween?

Here they are attending their national convention:

I do not know what the Bishops are doing here, but they appear to be sitting around in front of a statue of a torture victim.  Whatever it is, it sure looks really stupid and boring.  The torture victim statue isn’t even scary!  The throne is kind of cool, though.  Maybe I’ll get one for the Palace.

That maroon is NOT a good color for pasty old red-faced white d00ds. Just saying,

Whoa!  Wait – how did this get in here?  It came up in my Google image search for “catholic conference of bishops national convention,” that’s how:

Pure awesome.

Note to Bishops: this is how it’s done.

I hope this edition of Ask Iris has been helpful.

3 thoughts on “Ask Iris: WTF is up with the birth control bull$#!+?

  1. I’m dumbfounded–though not the least bit surprised–that here in the 21st century, there is an actual for-real national dispute between the pompous, cross-dressing, fuckhatted bishops and the President.


    The Catholic church currently has the moral credibility of a meth dealer, thanks in no small part to their longstanding institutionalized practice of ass-raping altar boys, then silencing those boys through threats and intimidation, then blaming the victims, then denying the whole thing ever happened while simultaneously handing out millions in settlements. Yet that same church has the temerity to send their pompous, cross-dressing, fuckhatted bishops to confront the POTUS on a “moral” issue?

    How in the hell is that even possible? And more importantly, why is he even granting two seconds of time to these dimwits? Here’s how I would do it were I in Obama’s position:

    BISHOPS: Mr. President, we have traveled to the White House on behalf of The Holy Father to let you know that we are quite deeply concerned that you’ve taken a stand that in effect forces contraception upon the faithful members of the Holy Roman Catho–

    PRESIDENT OBAMA (interrupting): Go fuck yourselves. Oh, and wear a condom.

    Nothing gives me greater pleasure than reading articles that detail the plummet in church membership in many nations, include the U.S. But nothing gives me greater anguish than the realization that the Rick Santorums of the world won’t be happy until their soul-crushing brand of Sharia is foisted upon each and every one of us. I mean, it’s not that I have anything against a bunch of allegedly celibate men telling me how to run my sex life, men who come from a long line of exceedingly perverted popes, and who base their advice on books written by tent-dwelling sheepherders several millennia back–

    Oh, wait. Yes, I do.

  2. Santorum just summed up our US foreign policy: “the Obama administration was trying to ‘use their power to force people’ to violate their beliefs.”

    Like how we force American style democracy down other people’s throats and threaten them when they elect people who don’t agree with our govenment’s edicts.

    Back to the religious freedom argument, there is nothing stopping those fancy dressed men from preaching there brand of voodoo. If their employees adhered to their edicts, then they would not have to pay for contraception under their health plan, because none would seek it. Reality is that 98% of Catholic women ignore them. So, you’re dead on that this is only about controlling vaginas.

    Maybe the Catholic Bishops could take a lead from our foreign policy and use extraordinary rendition and torture to force their will on the unwilling. I think they may have already tried that a few centuries ago. Wonder how it worked out…

  3. I particularly enjoy watching Obama take away the reason for these zealots (right wing and otherwise) to scream their heads off because the screaming still doesn’t stop. This reveals to the rational people exactly how fucking goofy these assholes are. What a fucking joke.

    Brilliant tweak to the mandate by Obama and thankfully, Rick “13th Century” Santorum is looking like a decent possibility to win the GOP nomination. We can only hope…

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