One of my many tens of loyal readers asks:
Q: What do you think of all the bullshit about the contraceptives coverage?
A. What a fucking joke.
I’m just kidding. That is what my correspondent thinks of all the bullshit about the contraceptives coverage. And although I wholeheartedly concur with this sentiment, as you may have guessed I also think other things about the bullshit over the contraceptives coverage. For instance, I think it is important to keep in mind a few salient facts:
(Reuters) — Some 98 percent of sexually active Catholic women have used contraceptive methods banned by the church, research published on Wednesday showed.
A new report from the Guttmacher Institute, the nonprofit sexual health research organization, shows that only 2 percent of Catholic women, even those who regularly attend church, rely on natural family planning.
The latest data shows practices of Catholic women are in line with women of other religious affiliations and adult American women in general.
The recent brouhaha over coverage of birth control began when a federal agency announced the utterly obvious: that birth control is basic, preventive health care for women, and therefore coverage must be provided by all employer-sponsored insurance plans, for free (no co-pay). Oh, sure, there were exemptions for church employees, and for women who work at religious organizations that primarily employ believers of their
faith delusions (98% of whom apparently use birth control despite what their dumbass doctrine demands). But institutions with a secular purpose, ones that are merely associated with religions — such as Catholic hospitals and universities — were not exempt.
As you can probably imagine, this did not sit well with a tiny troop of fancy-dressing panty-sniffers, the All-Male Revue known as the Catholic Conference of Bishops. They went craaaazeeee! “Only two percent of Catholic women do what we tell them!” they whined, and twirled around and around in their exquisitely embroidered frocks, stamping their feet loudly. “WAAAAAAH!” And 98% of American Catholic women rolled their eyes, and then promptly had sex purely for the pleasure of it.
“Hey!” One fancy man said. “I know! Why don’t we prance around in our wacky costumes and hats and make Obama do what we say!”
“Yes!” said another, this one resplendent in gold and bright green layers. “We have to make someone do what we say, and that Obama d00d is worth a shot!”
A third chimed in: “We are obviously the pinnacle of normal, healthy, human sexuality — and yet incredibly, no one ever listens to anything we have to say about sex!”
Soon, they were all excitedly marching and chanting in unison: “Make birth control access as difficult as possible for as many women as possible! Also, we’re against abortion!”
Rick Santorum, a Catholic dimwit who is currently running for president, said the Obama administration was trying to “use their power to force people” to violate their beliefs. That’s right: that bastard Obama is using his power to force everyone to take prescription birth control pills! Even Rick Santorum, and the Catholic Conference of Bishops! And obviously, the Catholic church never uses its power to force people to violate their own beliefs, such as the belief that “I really do not want to be raped.” Obviously.
Well, the Bishop contingent of the Forced Birth Brigades sure can kick up quite a shit storm when they put their pointy heads to it. Just to put a stop their incessant and inane yammering, Obama came up with a compromise:
Instead, insurance companies will be directly responsible for providing free contraception.
And the Bishops rejoiced!! No, they did not rejoice. That is because their argument — that Catholic-affiliated organizations shouldn’t be forced to pay for basic healthcare they object to and that 98% of their women followers use — is not what the big fuss is all about. The goal of the Catholic Conference of Bishops goal is to make birth control access as difficult as possible for as many women as possible — even non-Catholics — and the Obama compromise is definitely not helping.
The Palace operates in keeping with the motto “know your enemies,” so we feel it is important to keep a keen eye on these Bishop d00ds, so we’ll know them when we see them. To that end, we have collected some pictures of Bishop d00ds bishoping, or whatever it is they do when they are not busy creating a living hell for Vagina Americans, LGBTQI Americans, and children in their care. Here they are in some of their more opulent garb, muttering mumbo-jumbo over some crackers and then eating little pieces of their god-man and drinking his blood, or some shit like that:
Here is my local fancy-man kook, Archbishop Dolan of the New York diocese. He is the currently President of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. He haz a sad, cuz da wimminz no likee poppin’ out lotsa baybeez:
The Bishops don’t always dress up like that. Here is the Eastern Conference of Bishops on what I assume is a typical casual Friday. Either that or it was Halloween, and they decided to go trick-or-treating en masse dressed up like that priest from The Exorcist.
Here they are attending their national convention:
I do not know what the Bishops are doing here, but they appear to be sitting around in front of a statue of a torture victim. Whatever it is, it sure looks really stupid and boring. The torture victim statue isn’t even scary! The throne is kind of cool, though. Maybe I’ll get one for the Palace.
Whoa! Wait – how did this get in here? It came up in my Google image search for “catholic conference of bishops national convention,” that’s how:
Note to Bishops: this is how it’s done.
I hope this edition of Ask Iris has been helpful.