In which I become a Christian again!

As Loyal Readers™ may recall, I was born and raised a Christian—first Catholic, later Lutheran—but it never really stuck. As a young teen I came to question, then doubt, eventually disbelieve and finally loathe religion. And not just the Jeezus-flavored variety, but all of it, right down to the very mildest of lefty New Age silliness. (Except for Lord Shiva. OBVIOUSLY.) In other words I am 100% on board with Palace Patron Saint PZ Myers who put it this way:

I don’t target particular religions for bad conclusions — I detest them all for having bad methodologies.

But people, I am here to tell you: I was deceived. And very probably by Satan himself! Yes, everything I was ever taught about Jeezus was wrong, wrong, wrong. Tragically, the very nature of the Christ god and the beautiful, joyful essence of Christianity was denied me. For I have just come unto the Lord, and am eager and fully prepared to spend the rest of my days worshiping Him. Behold, the truth, the light and the way:

SEXY JESUS

sexyjesus3DEAR GOD.

sexyjesusWHO’S YOUR DADDY!

sexyjesus2JUST A MINUTE, LORD! I’M COMING!

sexyjesus5NAO I IZ DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN.

And look, He even pooped me an Easter egg! sexyjesus4OMFG IRIS JEEZUS. SO HARD.

[h/t Aly]

Boner flowers FTW.

naked-man-orchid-orchis-italica-1Alrighty then.

Orchis italica, commonly known as the naked man orchid or the Italian orchid, is a species of orchid native to the Mediterranean. They are widely popular for their petals looking like naked men. O. italica grows up to 50 centimetres (20 in) in height, with bright pink, densely clustered flowers.

20 inches?!!! Jeezus. Won’t someone think of the Mediterranean children?

orchis-italica2 orchis-italica3 orchis-italica4 orchis-italica5Hahaha. Awesome.

[h/t Kim]

Recent reads.

library4DOJ Ferguson Report: How Elected Officials Used Racism To Generate Millions In Revenue. Morrison, A., International Business Times (Mar. 2015).

Justice Department Finds Bias In Ferguson But Clears Darren Wilson. India, L., UPTOWN Magazine (Mar. 2015).

U.S. millennials post ‘abysmal’ scores in tech skills test, lag behind foreign peers. Frankel, T.C., The Washington Post (Mar. 2015).

Sh*tting on the Israeli Flag: The Art of Natali Cohen Vaxbergyoutube (Feb. 2015).  (“a short documentary film about provocative Israeli playwright, actress and internet celebrity.”)

Why Does the FBI Have to Manufacture its Own Plots if Terrorism and ISIS Are Such Grave Threats? Greenwald, G., The Intercept (Feb. 2015). [To ask the question is to answer it. –Ed.]

Benjamin Netanyahu’s Long History of Crying Wolf About Iran’s Nuclear Weapons. The Intercept (Mar. 2015). (“The Israeli Prime Minister is expected to warn the U.S. Congress an Iranian bomb is imminent — just as he warned in 1992, 1995, 2002, 2009, and 2012.”)

How a Mid-Sized Tennessee Town Took on Comcast, Revived Its Economy and Did it With Socialism. Gibson, C., Nation of Change (Mar. 2015). (“Since its launch, the EPB’s network has proven to be 50 times faster than the average American’s internet connection.”) [But…but…the Free Market™ is superior and more efficient! Also, BOOTSTRAPS!!! –Ed.]

10 Tricks To Appear Smarter In Meetings. Bradford, H., Huffington Post (Mar. 2015). [LOL. -Ed.]

Two headlines perfectly sum up everything wrong with American drug policy. Ingraham, C., The Washington Post (Mar. 2015). [SPOILER ALERT! the headlines are “Colorado sold 17 tons of retail marijuana in first legal year” and “Life in Prison for Selling $20 of Weed“, both of which are well worth reading. –Ed.]

Out of Trouble, but Criminal Records Keep Men Out of Work. Appelbaum, B., The New York Times (Feb. 2015).

Bayes’ Theorem with Lego. Count Bayesie (Feb. 2015).

Petraeus reaches deal to plead guilty to misdemeanor; likely won’t face prison. Goldman, A. and Horwitz, S., The Washington Post (Mar. 2015).

At New York Private Schools, Challenging White Privilege From the Inside. Spencer, K., The New York Times (Feb. 2015). [h/t Sunshine]

Native American Council Offers Amnesty to 240 Million Undocumented Whites. City World News (Jan. 2015). (“They all need to be deported back to Europe,” John Dakota from True Americans said. “They came here illegally and took a giant crap on our land. They brought disease and alcoholism, stole everything we have because they were too lazy to improve and develop their own countries.”) [Hahaha. Perfect. -Ed.]

Schizophrenic Brains Not Fooled by Optical Illusion. Buchen, L., Wired (Apr. 2009).

5 Women Cut from Pop Culture History for Being Too Important. Sargent, J.F., Cracked (Feb. 2015).

The Inside Story Of How A For-Profit College Hoodwinked Students And Got Away With It. Pyke, A., Think Progress (Feb. 2015).

Bush White House’s Repeated Torture Denials Led CIA Torturers to Seek Repeated Reassurances. Froomkin, D., The Intercept (Mar. 2015). [War criminals in the Bush administration lied?! GTFO. –Ed.]

War On Christianity? FBI Hate Crime Statistics Utterly Destroy Fox News Lies. Morris, R., Addicting Info (Feb. 2015). (“in far more cases than not, right wing Christians are the instigators or even the perpetrators of a very large majority of the hate crimes committed in the US… In 2013 there were 7,242 hate crimes committed in the US. In total, crimes against protestant Christians amounted to .0051 percent, a tiny fraction of a percentage point.”)

The cost of getting an abortion is higher if you’re poor. Dusenbery, M., Feministing (Feb. 2015). (“the process of obtaining an abortion could total up to $1,380 for a low-income single mother saddled with charges related to gas, a hotel stay, childcare, and taking time off work. For a middle-income woman living comfortably in a city with no children and public transit options to the clinic, meanwhile, those fees dropped to $593.”…”The idea that it is somehow not a serious burden for someone who is living paycheck to paycheck to be forced to — suddenly and entirely unexpectedly — come up with more than a month’s wages is absurd.”)

Drink In Style At Dear Irving, The Most Gorgeous Bar In Manhattan. Carlson, J., Gothamist (Mar. 2015). [h/t Vanina]

‘Is College Bad for Girls?’ cautionary pamphlet from 1905. Jardin, X., Boing Boing (Mar. 2015). [At least according to this pamphlet, college is absolutely fucking awesome for girls! –Ed.]

Nothing Is Wrong With Your Sex Drive. Nagoski, E., The New York Times (Feb. 2015). [The Palace’s favorite sex nerd and Your Humble Monarch™’s longtime correspondent not only has her first Op-Ed in the NYT, she also has a new book out: Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. YAY EMILY! –Ed.]

How to Be the Perfect Welfare RecipientFeminace (Mar. 2015). (“where the fuck do people get off trying to talk about welfare while knowing fuck all about it?…allow me to tackle some of those shit excuses for arguments here, where I can be an uncivil as I please.”) [FIVE STARS.Ed.]

The word-hoard: Robert Macfarlane on rewilding our language of landscape. Macfarlane, R. The Guardian (Feb. 2015). [h/t Chris Clarke] [Gorgeous essay! If you love words and good writing, stop whatever you are doing and read this right fucking now. –Ed.]

Pioneering Women of PhysicsPerimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics (Feb. 2015).(“They discovered pulsars, found the first evidence of dark matter, pioneered mathematics, radioactivity, nuclear fission, elasticity, and computer programming, and have even stopped light.”)

Coalition of Police Officers Heads to D.C. to Demand the Broken and Brutal Police System Be Fixed. Syrmopoulos, J., The Free Thought Project (Feb. 2015).

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For the Palace Quote collection:

If your different-sex marriage isn’t special or “sacred” or whatthefuckever just because more people are allowed to do it, then that’s not a problem with the law; that’s a problem with your marriage. –Melissa McEwan

From Frida Kahlo:

FridaKahloFrida Kahlo
Mexican painter
(1907-1954)

I drank because I wanted to drown my sorrows, but now the damned things have learned to swim.

The most important thing for everyone in Gringolandia is to have ambition and become ‘somebody,’ and frankly, I don’t have the least ambition to become anybody.

I paint flowers so they will not die.

I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.

Nothing is worth more than laughter. It is strength to laugh and to abandon oneself, to be light.

I hope the exit is joyful. And I hope never to return.

At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.

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PLZ NOTE: Acquisition of links and/or bon mots for the Palace Library does not imply the Palace’s 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization or individual.

Recent reads.

library4
NYC Cops Prove They Aren’t Really Needed. Lindorff, D., The Greanville Post (Jan. 2015). (“If this job action keeps up, and the city doesn’t descend into a spasm of crime and mayhem, maybe Mayor deBlasio should live up to his early billing as a former radical activist and start sacking the protesting cops.”) [Good luck with that. –Ed.]

46 examples of Muslim outrage about Paris shooting that Fox News can’t seem to find. Halper, K., Raw Story (Jan. 2015).

Kirby Delauter, Kirby Delauter, Kirby Delauter. Editors, The Frederick News-Post (background: Delauter to The News-Post: Don’t use my name without permission. Jones, P.) (Jan. 2014). [h/t Kel] [OMFG LOL. –Ed.]

FBI says target in Colorado Springs bombing unclear. Loveless, C., KRDO.com (Jan. 2015).

Linda Tirado: ‘It was insane. I got 20,000 emails in a week': The author of Hand to Mouth on the shock of going viral online, being vilified by critics, and now being able to afford to have her teeth fixed. Cooke, R., The Guardian (Jan. 2014).

Study: White people see “black” Americans as less competent than “African Americans”. Lopez, G., Vox (Jan. 2015). [Behold the power of words. –Ed.]

Charlie Hebdo, Bill Donohue, and the freedom of thought. Seidel, A.L., Freedom From Religion Foundation (Jan. 2015).

-and-

Coward Donohue doesn’t understand liberty. Seidel, A.L., Freedom From Religion Foundation (Jan. 2015).

[IRIS FFRF’s ANDREW SEIDEL. –Ed.]

As #LeelahAlcorn’s mom talks to CNN, Leelah’s Reddit posts come back to haunt her. Williams, C., Transadvocate (Jan. 2015). (“there is an effort to swamp trans-specific helpline call centers [STRONG TW] with bogus calls on the off-chance it will prevent a trans person from accessing help and result in their suicide”) [TRIGGER WARNING: death threats, dehumanization, epic assholery, abuse—especially at the embedded link.]

Anti-vaccination update: How the measles crisis struck Disneyland. Hiltzik, M., The Los Angeles Times (Jan. 2015). (“Disney isn’t at fault in this outbreak–heedless parents leaving their children unvaccinated are.”)

palacefuckyou[Fuck you, anti-vaxxers. –Ed.]

Guys Need Pap Tests, Too: A Trans Man’s Guide to Visiting the Gyno. Kellaway, M., Everyday Feminism (Jan. 2015).

A Drone Flew Over A Pig Farm To Discover It’s Not Really A Farm. It’s Something Much More Disturbing. Berman, R., Upworthy (Dec. 2014) (with VIDEO: “Spy Drones Expose Smithfield Foods Factory Farms” by Mark Devries.). [h/t Don Ardell]

I’ll Bet You’ve Put Yourself In A Really Bad Position Without Even Knowing It At Least Once. Willard, L., Upworthy (Oct. 2014). (with VIDEO: “Lost in the Fine Print,” narrated by former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich, created by Alliance for Justice.) [h/t SJ]

The U.S. has more jails than colleges. Here’s a map of where those prisoners live. Ingraham, C., The Washington Post (Jan. 2015). [#priorities –Ed.]

The community of the potentially mockable. Salty Current, Butterflies & Wheels / Freethought Blogs (Jan. 2015).

In the Wake of Charlie Hebdo, Free Speech Does Not Mean Freedom From Criticism. Canfield, J., The Hooded Utilitarian (Jan. 2015).

What Stalled the Gender Revolution? Child Care That Costs More Than College Tuition. Straus, T., California Magazine (Winter 2014).

Sheets: Christians Must Take Back Government In 2015 Because ‘We Are God’s Governing Force On The Earth’. Mantyla, K., Right Wing Watch (Jan. 2015). [If this is the kind of ape it wants in charge, wow this god is a huuuuuge asshole. –Ed.]

The right-wing domestic terror plot you didn’t hear about this week. Jilani, Z., Raw Story via AlterNet (Jan. 2015).

__________

Quotes:

I find that the biggest fans of imperialism are the folks who thought of it first.
Kent F. Hell-Dweller

Ugh “what if you aborted the person who’d have cured cancer?”
“No, what if you made her raise a baby at 15 instead of going to med school?”
-Beatrice (@MissObdurate) via Sally Strange

I’ve learned throughout my journey that perfection is the enemy of greatness. Embrace what makes you unique, even if it makes others uncomfortable.
Janelle Monáe

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PLZ NOTE: Acquisition of links and/or bon mots for the Palace Library does not imply the Palace’s 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization or individual. See, e.g., the linked pieces by J. Canfield and Salty Current regarding Charlie Hebdo: both are thoughtful, provocative and persuasive—and utterly irreconcilable.

Recent reading, plus bonus whining.

NOTE TO LOYAL READERS™: Your Humble Monarch™ has been under the proverbial weather for almost 6 weeks now, and has only in the past few days seen some improvement: coughing less, sleeping better and actually contemplating getting her royal arse back in the gym. Well okay, someday. Pile on the usual holiday stresses this time of year, the drama of dysfunctional families and obligatory interactions with toxic people, and it’s a True Christmas Miracle I haven’t just taken my sugar-free black cherry cough drops off to bed with me—permanently—and said fuck it. But I have not forgotten about you, my Many Tens of Loyal Readers™! Extinguish that thought right now! I have been doing some reading here and there (mainly in doctor’s office waiting rooms and the pharmacy line), diligently keeping track of links and quotes for your personal infotainment.

TL;DR: The bumper sticker slogan for my entire life recently would read thusly: I’d rather be blogging. And oh, is there ever something I am quite eager to write about. After the fucking 25th.

HAPPY SOLSTICE.

library4Let’s start with some quotes:

Religion’s greatest “sin” lies in displacing human endeavor, thought, time, resources and efforts from this world, our only world, in order to exalt a highly unlikely, unknowable, unseeable, unprovable and unbelievable pretend afterworld. The only afterlife that ought to concern us is leaving our descendants (along with the other animals and life we share our planet with) a secure and pleasant future. –Annie Laurie Gaylor

Heaven for climate, hell for company. –Mark Twain

All religions issue bibles again Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. –Mark Twain

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever. –Anatole France

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. –Susan Ertz

We are on the earth, and they tell us of heaven; we are human beings, and they tell us of angels and devils; we are matter, and they tell us of spirit; we have five senses whereby to admit truths, and a reasoning faculty by which to build our belief upon them; and they tell us of dreams dreamed thousands of years ago, which our experience flatly contradicts. –Frances Wright

I believe that this world needs all our best efforts and earnest endeavors twenty-four hours every day. . . . I do not know the needs of a god or of another world. . . I do know that the needs of humanity and this world are infinite, unending, constant, and immediate. They will take all our time, our strength, our love, and our thoughts; and our work here will be only then begun. –Helen H. Gardener

One world at a time. –Robert G. Ingersoll

Dying is a very dull, dreary, affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. –W. Somerset Maugham

[h/t Don Ardell for the link to Annie Laurie Gaylor’s post containing all of these fine gems.]

__________

Why Is Rape at the Origin of Most Religion? Tarico, V., AlterNet (Dec. 2014). [Why indeed. –Ed.]

The Oil Coup. Whitney, M., Counterpunch (Dec. 2014). (“Washington has persuaded the Saudis to flood the market with oil to push down prices, decimate Russia’s economy, and reduce Moscow’s resistance to further NATO encirclement and the spreading of US military bases across Central Asia. The US-Saudi scheme has slashed oil prices by nearly a half since they hit their peak in June.”)

Stakes are high as US plays the oil card against Iran and Russia. Elliott, L., The Guardian (Nov. 2014).

Musicians’ Brains Really Do Work Differently — In A Good Way. Tsicoulas, A., NPR (Nov. 2014). (with VIDEO via TED-Ed)

War by media and the triumph of propaganda. Pilger, J., Belfast Telegraph via The Greanville Post (Dec. 2014).

The Fifty Shades of Grey series. Cliff, The Pervocracy. (ongoing; link is to chapter 1.) [Brilliant, hilarious and trenchant take on one of the worst books I have ever read by the best kinkster blogger I have ever read. –Ed.]

Villagers in Kazakhstan Are Falling Asleep En Masse for No Apparent Reason. Hay, M., Vice (Dec. 2014). [What the fucking fuck. And no, it’s not satire. –Ed.]

Colleges often reluctant to expel for sexual violence — with U-Va. a prime example. Anderson, N., The Washington Post (Dec. 2014). (“Why, skeptics ask, has U-Va. dismissed dozens of students for academic cheating in recent years but none for sexual assault?”) [Truly a mystery. But if I had to guess, I’d say it’s the same reason that drug suspect lab tests are processed immediately while hundreds of thousands of rape DNA kits languish unexamined. #priorities –Ed.]

Merry Christmeh: 13 greatest examples of people phoning it in on Christmas (that I bothered to look for). Fox, M., Happy Place (Dec. 2014). [Hahaha. Now that’s the spirit. –Ed.]

The Posters that Warned against the Horrors of a World with Women’s Rights. MessyNessy, MessyNessyChic (Dec. 2014). [TW: misogyny, ageism.]

This Physicist Has A Groundbreaking Idea About Why Life Exists. Wolchover, N., Quanta Magazine via Business Insider (Dec. 2014). [Mind: blown. –Ed.]

The War on Christmas is over. Jesus won. Ingraham, C., The Washington Post (Dec. 2014). (“nearly three-quarters of Americans — 73 percent — believe that Jesus was literally born to a virgin.”) [Exhibit No. 7,376,233 that the Greatest Ever Country Ever on Earth Ever is chock full of deluded apes. –Ed.]

Your body, his choice: Missouri GOP bill requires men to give written permission for abortion. McDonough, K., Salon (Dec. 2014). (“Exceptions, according to the bill’s sponsor, will be made for victims of ‘legitimate rape'”.)

The White Guy Problem. Bitter Gertrude (Dec. 2014).

5 Things You Learn Escorting Women Into an Abortion Clinic. Axness, A.J., Cracked (Dec. 2014).

How Medicaid forces families like mine to stay poor. Campbell, A.L., Vox (Dec. 2014).

Chicago activists have quite a bit of proof that the police are eavesdropping on protestors’ phones . Einenkel, W., Daily Kos (Dec. 2014).

Undercover Cops Outed and Pull Gun on Crowd. Harrop, C., Storify (Dec. 2014).

Texas officer attacks and tasers 76-year-old man over expired tags. Hayden, J., Daily Kos (Dec. 2014).

Stop blaming liberals for conservative backlashes. Marcotte, A., Raw Story (Dec. 2014). (“Hating change is the constitution of the conservative. Of course they’re going to scream and cry like infants. Knowing that’s going to happen and there’s no way to avoid it is freeing.”)

Winter beauty tips for the slovenly and unkempt. Irby, S., bitches gotta eat (Dec. 2014). [LOL. –Ed.]

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PLZ NOTE: Acquisition of links and/or bon mots for the Palace Library does not imply the Palace’s 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization or individual.

Recent reads.

library4

See it, touch it, feel it: Team develops invisible 3-D haptic shape. Phys Org (Dec. 2014). (with VIDEO) [WHAT. -Ed.]

A long list of sex acts just got banned in UK porn. Hooton, C., The Independent (Dec. 2014). [No seriously, WHAT. –Ed.]

Wait A Minute–Let’s Hear From Some Actual Police Officers Before We Rush To Judgment. Dartagnan, Daily Kos (Dec. 2014). [TRIGGER WARNING: racist as fuck. –Ed.]

More Black people killed by police than were lynched during Jim Crow. Taylor, A.V., Bay View (Oct. 2014).

Charges Dropped For Cop Who Fatally Shot Sleeping 7-Year-Old Girl. Moreh B.D.K., for Counter Current News via MintPress News (Dec. 2014).

How to Be a Feminist (According to Stock Photography). Sad and Useless (Dec. 2013). [OMFG hilarious! But this one is all kinds of awesome:

feministdrillerEd.]

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas voted worst film ever with 1.3 out of 10 stars on IMDb. Zhao, H., MailOnline (Dec. 2014). [OMG SHOCKING. –Ed.]

Cosby and Ferguson: Why Addressing Gender Violence and Racial Violence Is Not Either/Or Option. Cambron, A., Moyers & Co., (Dec. 2014).

Death and Injustice: How Can Humanists Respond? Christina, G., The Humanist (Dec. 2014).

Prosecutor Who Let Darren Wilson Slide Is Charging A Black Cop For Hitting A Suspect’s Hand. Parker, J., Addicting Info (Nov. 2014).

UGA study finds it’s mean boys, not mean girls, who rule at school. Ayer, R., UGA Today (Dec. 2014).

3 Shortcuts to Not Being a Terrible Person. Clay, F., Cracked (Nov. 2014).

Pregnant hero lays into anti-abortion protesters outside of a clinic. Fox, M., Happy Place (Dec. 2014). (VIDEO) [Badass. –Ed.]

__________

For the Quote collection:

Considering these two sets of circumstances — Ferguson and Cosby — there is no choosing. This is not “one or the other.” This is both and then some. Racial violence does not trump gender violence, and gender violence does not trump racial violence. Oppression is oppression. –Andrea Cambron

Now the haters and atheists are coming out of the woodwork, attempting to hammer your good work (they rallied to drop your rating super low). They are attempting, once again, to ruin Saving Christmas for everyone. –Kirk Cameron [Great work, everyone. -Ed.]

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PLZ NOTE: Acquisition of links and/or bon mots for the Palace Library does not imply the Palace’s 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization or individual.

Recent reads.

library4

German village plays prank on neo-Nazis. Halser, M., YNet News (Nov. 2014). (“Residents of Wunsiedel, where Hitler’s deputy Rudolf Hess is buried, are tired of yearly invasion of neo Nazis to their village, so they decide neo-Nazis can march for a good cause.”)

4 workers die after chemical leak at Texas plant. SFGate (Nov. 2014).

‘The Princess Bride’ Just Got A Hilarious Feminist Makeover. Vagianos, A., The Huffington Post (Nov. 2014). [“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You denied my mother equal pay. Prepare to be on the wrong side of history. #feministprincessbride” LMAO. –Ed.]

Women who have sex before marriage are like ‘filthy dishrags,’ California pastor roars. Gettys, T., Raw Story (Nov. 2014). [FYI Filthy Dishrags is the name of my new fake band. –Ed.]

Double Jeopardy: In Alabama, a judge can override a jury that spares a murderer from the death penalty. Williams, P., The New Yorker (Nov. 2014). [This is beyond fucked-up. –Ed.]

The Massive Feminist Protest the English-Speaking World Completely Ignored. O’Hara, M.E., Mic (Oct. 2014). (“you didn’t read that Wednesday’s Vaga De Totes (“Everything Strike”) brought together more than 600 different feminist and community groups over the course of a year of organizing that culminated in one riot grrrl-like takeover of Barcelona.” Well we don’t want the English-speaking laydeez getting any silly ideas. –Ed.]

Scalia on retirees losing their health insurance: “I can’t feel bad about it.” Boeckmann, T., Alliance for Justice (Nov. 2014). [Hahaha. What can a fucking sociopath feel bad about? I mean besides the Corporation-People, and especially their important religious rights. –Ed.]

Victims Of Online Threats Say Perpetrators Aren’t Being Caught. Sydell, L., NPR (Nov. 2014).

Why women who are sexually assaulted remain silent. Renzetti, E., The Globe and Mail (Oct. 2014).

Christian Kids Dying Because Their Parents Refuse Medical Treatment — And It’s Perfectly Legal. Garcia, A., AlterNet (Nov. 2014). [FREEDOM™! –Ed.]

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PLZ NOTE: Acquisition of links and/or bon mots for the Palace Library does not imply the Palace’s 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization or individual.

Funny times with Forced Birthers.

Jill Filipovic has a good piece up in Cosmopolitan (yes, that Cosmopolitan) entitled Abortion Clinic Protesters: “Sidewalk Counselors” or “Sidewalk Terrorists”? It covers the usual rabid theocrats and misogynist circus clowns, and it documents (as we already know) that these assholes are not driven by “baby killing” per se, they are really railing against women (and others) having non-church sanctioned, non-procreative sex. I have never understood this motivation personally because that is, quite obviously I would think, the best kind of sex to have. Nevertheless, this particular attitude, incomprehensible as it may be, explains why Forced Birthers are also dead set against birth control—which would, you know, actually reduce abortions.

Now maybe this is because I have a terrible fucking head cold, a hacking cough and a fever (OMG! EBOLA!) but for whatever reason I found the clinic protesters interviewed for this article hilarious. Don’t get me wrong—they are as rage-inducing as ever, and I still loathe each and every one of them with the burning fire of ten thousand suns. But this, my friends, is comic gold:

“[Women] had equality,” [demonstrator Fred] Delouis says about the 1950s, before Supreme Court cases legalized contraception and abortion. “But they had to be obedient to their husbands. That’s where equality comes: where the mother stayed home and raised the children in God’s light, and the husband worked, and everything was great. When I grew up, there were no problems.”

Equality, y’all! EVERYTHING was GREAT! And there were NO PROBLEMS…for Fred! LOL!

And Fred just keeps the hits right on coming:

“Society was great before they had abortions,” he says. “Because there wasn’t as much evil in the world.”

Did you know World War II happened after Roe v. Wade? HAHAHA!

“They weren’t murdering God’s babies, which is the most important thing.”

Silly Fred! Abortions are actually helping God murder his babies, because if there’s one thing we all know God loves, it’s murdering his babies! If 50% of pregnancies spontaneously abort, obviously clinics are just doing some of God’s baby murderin’ work for him! You would think Fred would show a little more enthusiasm and gratitude. He can be pretty funny, but I think he’s a little confused.

Then there’s the Death D00d:

Inside the clinic, Deb Fenton, regional director of Central and Western Massachusetts Planned Parenthood, peers out the window, looking for one of the regular protesters who shows up in an Angel of Death costume. “Is the Grim Reaper out there today?” she asks.

Excellent! I want to hang around Grim Reaper d00d while wearing my trademark bloody coat hanger dress—always a big hit at parties. I had been thinking of festooning it with bloody doll parts around the coat hanger anyway, and I feel this would nicely complement the whole “bloody dismembered fetus” theme they’ve got going on their posters and signage. I’ll fit right in! It’ll be a hoot!

Then there’s Ruth:

“I consider my profession having been a mother and a grandmother,” Ruth says, adding that her children agree with her values: two of her daughters got pregnant out of wedlock, one in high school, and both placed their children for adoption.

Oh, Ruth. Priceless!

And the lovely Nancy Clark:

“Abstinence,” Clark says. “It’s possible. I taught my daughters abstinence. It doesn’t mean I’ve been successful with my first two, but I have three more to go.”

Third time’s the charm? Bwahahahaha!

facepalmstartrekClark says that after marriage, “natural family planning” is the only way to go. And she’s mystified by its lack of popularity:

“You can’t even get Catholics to use it,” she says. “It does work though. Of course, I have nine kids.”

Stop it Nancy! You’re killin’ me!

facepalmClark testified in the Supreme Court’s recent clinic buffer zone case—presumably under penalty of perjury—that:

“close personal communication” in a “kind, gentle voice” was her preferred method of approaching women, and that “speaking in a raised voice, shouting or yelling is counterproductive.”

Once the shitheads on the high court struck down the clinic buffer zone law (a unanimous decision, by the way, issued from the safety and comfort of the court’s own 200 foot buffer zone), Clark now enjoys having more options of where she can approach women in a “kind, gentle voice.”

“Instead of yelling from here,” she says, gesturing across the street to the clinic, “I get to yell from over there.”

What a scream! (<—Hahaha. Sometimes I crack myself up.)

Next, meet Father Andrew Beauregard, a Franciscan monk—i.e. a celibate d00d (at least we hope…). He’s here to helpfully ‘splain everything you need to know about wimmenz lives:

“The fullness of being a woman is being a mother.”

And here I thought the fullness of being a woman was me eating too much of Frankie’s pizza. Huh. So I guess the fullness of being a man is being a daddy? Then why the fuck are you here yellin’ at pregnant people instead of making the babies? Dust that thing off and get to work, Father. God needs more babies to murder!

“For a woman to say that she has to have control over her body or over herself in such a way that she can’t be a mother really speaks to a degradation towards women.”

Conversely, compulsory childbirth is in no way degrading to women! I can’t stand it! This guy is a fucking pisser!

Protesters also told Filipovic they had a “save” the week before: that is, they convinced a man (*ahem*) to convince his girlfriend to leave the clinic:

Recounting their “save,” Meija and Pablo say the woman was going to terminate because her boyfriend had another girlfriend and had also fathered children with other women. But, they say, the boyfriend didn’t want the abortion from the beginning and after he promised he would support the baby, she came out of the clinic crying, and they walked away together.

Well that sure sounds like a win for everyone!

“We saw them together,” Pablo says. “That’s the most great thing — to see them together as a family.”

Remember, people, this is all about traditional family values: one d00d, his two girlfriends, plus a bunch of kids he’s had with other women. The MOST GREAT THING. Probably ever! Tee-hee-hee!

There is one thing I don’t get, though: if you’re so content with the choices you’ve made in your own life, what the hell are you doing spending your days harassing and yelling at other people for making choices of their own? I thought this would go without saying, but nine kids just isn’t for everybody. Hell, marriage isn’t for everyone, either. Just ask Father Beauregard about that!

It never occurred to me before, but I’m starting to think maybe they do it for the lulz.

Recent reading.

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Jehovah’s Witness leader complains: Gay people are plotting to put everyone in ‘tight pants’. Garcia, A., Raw Story (Nov. 2014). (LOLOL! –Ed.)

Petitioning Girl Scouts of the USA: Re-model the Barbie brand Girl Scout doll to be realistic. Chiu, K., change.org (Nov. 2014). (“I was so upset to see the new official Girl Scout Barbie — a doll that does not represent the diversity or mission of the Girl Scouts, and which, of all possible things, is dressed in high-heeled hiking boots.” WHAT. –Ed.)

New York City police will stop making arrests for low-level marijuana possession. Francescani, C., Reuters via Raw Story (Nov. 2014).

Notes from a Pornographer on Sexist Sexual Imagery and Behavior. Christina, C., Freethoughtblogs (Nov. 2014). (“The idea that sex-positivity and sexual liberation means everybody expressing every sexual thought and acting on every sexual desire, the minute it pops into our heads — this is bullshit.”)

The Psychology of Spanking. [No, not the fun kind. –Ed.] (“eliminating corporal punishment of children is ‘a key strategy for reducing and preventing all forms of violence in societies.’”)

How the drug war blocked research into a promising experimental PTSD therapy​: ecstasy. Ehrenfreund , M., The Washington Post (Nov. 2014). (“Initial research suggests MDMA, used in the party drug ecstasy, could be a powerful treatment for veterans dealing with the trauma of war.”)

The flying of unauthorized drones at stadiums prompts safety concerns. Whitlock, C., The Washington Post (Nov. 2014).

Buy Your Daughter All the Butch Dolls You Want, She Still Won’t Be Able to Get an Abortion in Texas. Vargas-Cooper, N., The Intercept (Nov. 2014). (“We should disabuse ourselves of old ideas, especially this hold-over notion from the baby-boomer generation that somehow social institutions can be jammed, subverted, reformed, or overthrown through buying stuff.”)

MIT’s Crazy Materials Could Make for Self-Assembling Ikea Furniture. Flaherty, J., Wired (Nov. 2014).

Why Washington Continues to Beat the War and Disease Drums: Escalation is now a structural fact embedded in the war in the Middle East and the Ebola crisis here at home. Engelhardt, T., The Nation (Nov. 2014).

Clashes at protest over Mexico student deaths: Masked protesters, demonstrating over suspected killing of 43 students in September, clash with riot police in Acapulco. Al Jazeera (Nov. 2014).

The Tiny Police Department in Southern Oregon That Plans to End Campus Rape. Van Syckle, K., The Cut (Nov. 2014).

Soleá, the Flamenco of Seville. The New Yorker (Nov. 2014). [VIDEO.]

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PLZ NOTE: Acquisition of links and/or bon mots for the Palace Library does not imply the Palace’s 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization or individual.

Reads.

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Federal appeals court rules in favor of gay marriage ban. Sewell, D., ABC-TV Eyewitness News (Nov. 2014).

Americans Are Working So Hard It’s Actually Killing People. Kaplan, E., The Nation (Oct. 2014). (“businesses are not hiring new workers; they’re just expecting the old workers to work more, and spitting them out after they get injured.”)

Despite Election Losses, Obama Still Sees Hope For Bipartisanship. McMorris-Santoro, E., BuzzFeed (Nov. 2014). (Dear Lard, we are soooo fucked. –Ed.)

Could a common blood pressure drug completely reverse diabetes? Medical News Today (Nov. 2014).

Why Feminism Needs Men. Solnit, R., The Nation (Nov. 2014).  [h/t SJ]

The 5 Most Important Things They Never Taught You in Sex Ed. Thomas, M., Cracked (Nov. 2014).

Bats Make Calls to Jam Rivals’ Sonar—First Time Ever Found. Arnold, C., National Geographic (Nov. 2014).

Adam Savage on #Gamergate and Harassment of Women Online. Watson, R., Skepchick (Nov. 2014). [with VIDEO.]

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PLZ NOTE: Acquisition of links and/or bon mots for the Palace Library does not imply the Palace’s 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization or individual.