MOAR things I would wish upon my enemies.

Loyal Readers™ will surely recall my post last month about things I would wish upon my enemies. The point of the exercise was that although the original meme was quite good, for the enemies of the Palace and our like-minded subjects disciples worshipers followers it was simply WAAAAAAY too nice. I noted:

There are armies of hateful asshats arrayed against you, right at this very moment, plotting and scheming your demise with glee. If you don’t believe it, well, that is purely a matter of projection on your part, since you cannot imagine yourself being a hateful asshat plotting and scheming a stranger’s demise (much less with glee). And this, my friends, is the liberal’s Achilles heel: we simply cannot believe people could truly harbor such a deep, abiding hatred for us, and sincerely want to see us utterly destroyed. They can, and they do.

It seems to me our enemies’ punishments should fit their crimes, and so I simply wished upon them the horrible things they wish upon us. In many cases, they have actually inflicted these things upon their fellow citizens, or they are trying very, very hard to do so—much like all of the involuntary organ donors residing in the Abattoir.

Speaking of the the involuntary organ donation advocates, it has come to our attention that they have a new tactic: digging through clinic dumpsters in search of patient records…and then claiming that the clinics are violating patient privacy.


The dauntless dumpster divers often trespass on private property and break into locked dumpsters and storage facilities to attempt to obtain patient records. (Forced Birthers, of course, have long been known for caring very deeply about the medical privacy of clinic patients.) And so I wish upon these particular enemies of humanity some very specific afflictions, appropriate to their own actions and intentions—i.e., shutting down clinics that provide excellent health care and preventive screenings for millions of people.

moarthings4enemiesThis should go without saying, but in case it does not: Cheryl Sullenger of Operation Rescue and her merry band of dumpster divers are now all involuntary organ donors happily ensconced in the Palace Abattoir. Or, you know, unhappily. Who gives a shit.


People, there is some VERY disturbing news coming out of California. No, not the devastating droughts and unprecedented wildfires, or the L.A.P.D. getting cartoonist Ted Rall fired from the Los Angeles Times by dropping an audio tape that of course turned out to be bullshit. I refer, of course, to the squirrels.

You see, part of Yosemite National Park has been closed by health officials because, it seems, a second tourist there has contracted the plague. The plague! As in, you know, the Black Death? That little pandemic that killed an estimated 30–60% of Europe’s total population in the fourteenth century? YES THAT PLAGUE.

And guess how it’s being spread. Go ahead, guess.

By fucking squirrels.

Squirrels are a fucking menace.

I need to come clean here with Loyal Readers™. You might expect that since I live in downtown Manhattan, if I were to seriously hate on a fellow species–and let’s face it, all species are fellow species—it would probably be pigeons or something. Rats. Maybe cockroaches, which, as far as I’m concerned, ought to be the official symbol of New York City based on their sheer impudence and tenacity alone. Or perhaps those giant waterbugs everyone thinks New Yorkers are totally exaggerating about, until they actually see one and realize that some insects never got the memo that the Permian era ended hundreds of millions of years ago.

NOPE. I have come to loathe and detest no species on Earth so much as those members of the Order Rodentia, Suborder Sciuromorpha, Family Sciuridae. Well, besides H. sapiens, but that should go without saying. (See: virtually every post on this blog.)

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. But Iris! Squirrels are soooo cyoooot! How could you harbor such ill will towards our adorable little bushy-tailed cousins?

Okay first of all, you are woefully uninformed about the true nature and utter depravity of these beasts, an unfortunate and increasingly urgent state of affairs I intend to remedy shortly, and at length. (Wait, what?) Second, “ill will” does not even begin to cover it.

The squirrel-plague nexus.


Yersinia pestis bacteria. THE FUCKING PLAGUE, people.

In the wild, the plague bacteria Yersinia pestis circulates via flea bites among animal populations, particularly rodents—and squirrels are fucking rodents. Humans, such as our Yosemite tourists, become infected when bitten by a flea that has bitten a plague-ridden rodent. (Like, oh, say…a squirrel.) But that’s not the only disease vector. Once infected, humans can spread the plague amongst themselves by coughing or sneezing, contact (including sexual contact) with an infected person, indirect contact like touching a contaminated surface, breathing air under certain conditions where the plague bacteria can remain airborne, and the most disgusting transmission route of all, “fecal-oral,” from ingesting food or water contaminated with the diseased shit—literally, the actual shit—of the plague-infected. Think: Ebola. But with squirrels.

Take a look at how fast the plague spread in the fourteenth century, and consider that back then, exposure to infected populations would have happened much more slowly than in the age of widespread air travel and crowded trains.

BlackdeathSPREADNow it is true that these days the plague is generally treatable with antibiotics, which did not exist during the Black Death pandemic because Jeezus “forgot” to tell us about them. However, the plague can still be fatal if left untreated for whatever reason, including misdiagnosis, or lack of access to quality health care in this truly exceptional country. Just think about that the next time you have “fever, chills, nausea, weakness and swollen lymph nodes,” and your doctor tells you to just go home, get some rest and drink lots of fluids. By the way, do you think the United States has a stash of antibiotics for 321,216,397 people? And what happens if (when?) an adaptive mutation leaves Yersinia pestis impervious to antibiotics?

Anyway. It turns out the two recent cases of squirrel-plague in Yosemite tourists are by no means isolated incidents, either. In fact:

Since 1970, 40 cases of plague have been reported in California, and nine people have died from the disease.

OMFG. I had no idea.

Squirrels are escalating their attacks.

Last year, a squirrel caused $300,000 in damage to a community center in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Just this summer alone:

  • A Michigan police department has named a squirrel a suspect in a $128,000 nut heist.

squirrelmugshotDO NOT APPROACH!
This squirrel is considered armed and dangerous.

  • Then, a squirrel was caught on camera devouring A FUCKING SNAKE in a Texas Park.


    Oh, did you think they only ate nuts? NOT ANYMORE.

  • A drunk squirrel—yes, you read that right—caused massive damage at a UK pub. When workers arrived they naturally assumed the place had been robbed by H. sapiens: beer all over the floor, glasses and bottles knocked off the shelves, a real shitshow. Then a slow moving squirrel staggered out. The little fucker managed to turn on a tap, and drained (or drank!) more than $450 worth of beer. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE BEER.
  • On Friday in Clark County, Washington, a suicide terrorist squirrel bit into an overhead power line in order to set himself ablaze and fall to the ground, thereby setting a patch of grass on fire. Fortunately, firefighters were able to extinguish the blaze and no one was harmed. This time.

The squirrels are clearly escalating their attacks. They have become much more brazen and organized, as these pictures I just found with a quick Google search on the Internets clearly attest:

squirrelcompBe afraid. Be very afraid.

Shit gets personal.

When squirrels begin to overpopulate an area, they will cause damage to trees, shrubs, ornamental plantings, gardens, and “structures”—as in, your fucking house. Squirrel populations are normally kept in check by environmental factors including weather patterns, predators (foxes, hawks and owls) and the availability of food. This is why no one should feed squirrels, ever, not even accidentally: squirrel-proof bird feeders are A Thing for good reason.

Well. It has come to our attention that the Palace’s neighbors—whose outdoor space is separated from our magnificent gardens by a fence—have been feeding squirrels. ON PURPOSE. They even have a fucking sign and everything!

squirrelxingOH. NO. THEY. DIDN’T.

As a result of this unconscionable perfidy, large numbers of squirrels have been digging burrows all over the place, uprooting and eating our bulbs, flinging mulch hither and fro, PLANTING THEIR FREE FUCKING PEANUTS THAT THE NEIGHBORS ARE FEEDING THEM which very quickly sprout up into unsightly peanut plants, and just generally trashing the joint with wild abandon.

castlepalacegardensOur Humble Abode: The Palace and surrounding gardens.*

We read somewhere that dogwood berries are poisonous to squirrels, so of course we planted a big dogwood tree right up against the shared fence line last fall. Yet we are still overrun with the little fuckers. We have doubled the gardening staff and landscaping crews, and still we can barely keep up with all of the wanton destruction. Last year, My Amazing Lover™ asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told him a high-powered BB gun with a scope. He declined to purchase me one, which, okay, I admit that was probably for the best. But I did insist on decorating the Palace Yule tree with owl ornaments in order to make an anti-squirrel political statement.

Action plan.

This much is clear: all of us will need to do our parts to at the very least mitigate the pestilential scourge of squirrels, if not eradicate them entirely. We certainly have our work cut out for us too, because of so many unrepentant assholes—including my very own mother! Can you even believe this shit?!—who insist on feeding them, or even keeping them as pets. (?!) These people cannot be reasoned with. As a first step, then, we must educate ourselves and any others who can be reached before the Squirrelpocalypse is upon us and it’s too late.

Here are some links to get started:

How to Stop Squirrels. Squirrels will happily destroy your garden, invade your attic, and eat your fucking house: they can and will chew through pretty much anything that isn’t metal. This website offers tips, tactics and product suggestions for keeping your Palace and surrounding areas squirrel-free.

Natural predators of squirrels. I propose that we immediately scale up massive breeding programs for rat snakes, hawks, great horned owls and barred owls, red and gray foxes and bobcats.

“Squirrels were once major pests.” Read about the experiences of early European settlers in Ohio and see for yourself just how bad things can get. TRIGGER WARNING: this is the stuff of nightmares and horror movies—and yes, it can still happen today.

Squirrel hunting tips on how to get started. (<—Self-explanatory.)

Know your squirrel hunting season. For example, in most of New York State the hunting season for gray, black and fox squirrels starts September 1 and continues through February, with a bag limit of six. That’s six daily. RED SQUIRRELS CAN BE HUNTED YEAR ROUND WITHOUT LIMITS.

squirrelhuntingseasonNYSquirrel Recipes. (These are via the Missouri Department of Conservation, but there are many others.) Squirrel is one of the most ethical meats one can consume, and apparently pretty tasty too. Hey, don’t knock it until you try it.

braisedsquirrelBraised squirrel with bacon, mushrooms and Pinot Noir.

IMPORTANT REMINDER: cook your squirrels thoroughly to make sure you KILL ALL OF THE FUCKING PLAGUE BACTERIA.

It’s time to wake up, people. Forget the War on Terror. And we definitely do not need a War on Drugs. What we need is a war on squirrels. These demon spawn pose perhaps the greatest threat human civilization has ever faced.


*Due to security concerns, we obviously cannot reveal publicly what the Palace and its surrounding gardens actually look like. The pictures herein are simply meant to give readers an idea of the overwhelming scale of the squirrel problem we are dealing with here.

UPDATE: Texas firefighters are rescuing squirrels. JFC.

UPDATE 2: In Verona, Wisconsin another suicide terrorist squirrel blew up some electrical shit and disrupted power to 2,172 customers. And in Eagle Mountain, Utah, another squirrel pulled the same shit, leaving 3,125 homes and businesses in the dark.

Recent reads.



Bernie Sanders Will Introduce Legislation To End Private Prisons. Lavender, P., The Huffington Post (Aug. 2015). [GOOD. –Ed.]


FAA records detail hundreds of close calls between airplanes and drones. Whitlock, C., Washington Post (Aug. 2015). [This story is brought to you by a government whistleblower. I am sure the Obama administration is hunting down this terrorist threat to national security as we speak. I know I sure don’t want to live in the kind of country where I can know about the 700 near-collisions between planes and drones so far this year! –Ed.]


Islamic Leaders Want A Jihad Against Global Warming. Bastasch, M., The Daily Caller (Aug. 2015).

July was the hottest month in Earth’s hottest year on record so far. Samenow, J., Washington Post (Aug. 2015). (“And the globe is well on its way to having its hottest year on record.”) [Great job, everyone! –Ed.]

Global warming worsened the California drought, scientists say. Fears, D., Washington Post (Aug. 2015):

The study by Columbia University’s Earth Institute isn’t the first to say warming has played a key role in fueling California’s dry conditions, but it’s the first to measure its impact, calculating that it increased the problem by as much as 25 percent.


The Troubles with Gender. Veronica, Skepchick (Aug. 2015).

Elisha Walker Is Third Trans Woman Reported Dead Today. Matthews, G., The Rainbow Hub (Aug. 2015). [PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE FUCK EVERYONE THE END. –Ed.]


“You Grow Up Wanting to be Luke Skywalker, Then Realize You’ve Become a Stormtrooper for the Empire”. Crimmins, D., Reddit via Democratic Underground (Oct. 2014):

Then you realize you haven’t seen anything to support the idea that these poor fuckers are a threat to your home. You look around and you see all he contractors making six figure salaries to fix your shit, train Iraqis, maintain the ridiculous SUVs the KBR dicks ride around in. You consider the fact that every 25mm shell costs about forty bucks, and your company has been handing those fuckers out like shrapnel flavored parade candies. You think about all the fuel you’re going through, all the ammo and missiles and grenades. You think about every time you lose a vehicle, the Army buys a new one. Maybe you start to see a lot of people making a lot of money on huge amounts of human suffering.

Then you go on leave, and realize that Ayn Rand has no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. You realize that Fox News and Limbaugh and John McCain don’t respect you or your buddies. They don’t give a fuck if you get a parade or a box when you get home, you’re nothing to them but a prop.


Where Did the Antiwar Movement Go? Or What It Means When You Kill People On the Other Side of the Planet and No One Notices). Engelhardt, T., The Greanville Post (Aug. 2015).



blackonblackNYC, POLICE, POVERTY.

Police are posting photos online of New Yorkers at their most vulnerable. Badger, E., Washington Post (Aug. 2015). [This is all kinds of fucked up. –Ed.]


Stephen Colbert Shares Why He Thinks Women Should Be in Charge of Everything. Colbert, S., Glamour (Aug. 2015). (“I’m going to do my best to create a Late Show that not only appeals to women but also celebrates their voices.”)

Amazon Warriors Did Indeed Fight and Die Like Men: Archaeology shows that these fierce women also smoked pot, got tattoos, killed—and loved—men. Worrall, S., National Geographic (Oct. 2014).


Overcoming systemic roadblocks to sustainability: The evolutionary redesign of worldviews, institutions, and technologies. Beddoe, R., PNAS, vol. 106 no. 8, 2483–2489, doi: 10.1073/pnas.0812570106 (Dec. 2008).

Participatory Economics. (“a model for a new economy based on democracy, justice and ecological sustainability proposed as an alternative to our current economic system.”)

 The Root of all Evil. Wood., S., The 99.99998271% (Feb. 2015):

The profit motive, therefore, is the fundamental principle underlying modern capitalism; the all-encompassing priority of corporate entities. This drive for profit, however, is incompatible with the complex needs of humanity and the environment, as it leads to exponential ‘growth’ in a limited system, meaning it is unsustainable, creating mounting misery and chaos for ever increasing numbers of people, even those in so-called ‘rich’ or ‘advanced’ nations.

Yes, there is an alternative to capitalism: Mondragon shows the way. Wolff, R., The Guardian (Jun. 2008). (“Why are we told a broken system that creates vast inequality is the only choice? Spain’s amazing co-op is living proof otherwise.”)


‘You Say What You Like, Because They Like What You Say’. Cromwell, D., Media Lens (May 2013):

In a talk almost twenty years ago, the American political writer and media critic Michael Parenti explained powerfully how journalism works in practice:

‘Oddly enough, if you talk to most reporters, most of the reporters I know who are giving me stories about censorship, about top-down control and all, are ex-reporters. They’re often people – I began noticing, “Well I used to work for Associated Press…”, or “Well, I used to work for CBS…” – “Well I used to…” The ones who are still in there absolutely vehemently deny that there’s any such thing like this. They get very indignant. They say: “Are you telling me that I’m not my own man? I’ll have you know that in 17 years with this paper I always say what I like.” And I say to them: “You say what you like, because they like what you say.[emphasis in original.]

Beyond Manufacturing Consent. Street, P., teleSUR (Mar. 2015). (“The leading capitalist US media corporations are naturally no less committed to advancing ‘homeland’ oppression structures and ideologies than they are to hawking related imperial policies and propaganda.”)

The Gatekeepers. Wood, S., The 99.99998271% (Apr. 2015):

True democracy – a community sharing resources fairly and working together for peace, security, justice and prosperity – is antithetical to the ideology of the profit motive. For this reason, rule number one of the corporate media’s version of reality is to present at all times the illusion of freedom, the idea that people are actually in control of their societies, economies and leaders. This demonstrably false idea must be promoted relentlessly in order to quell and misdirect the anger and hopelessness felt by the millions upon millions of victims of the corporate credo – the now utterly discredited idea that the ‘free market’ is the best and fairest method of running humanity.


Towards a Fatter Insurrection: Introduction to a Revolutionary Body Liberation Movement. Burley, S., Institute for Anarchist Studies (Aug. 2015).


godchildrape[Also, fuck your god too. –Ed.]


PLZ NOTE: Acquisition of links for the fabulous Palace library does not imply 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization, source or individual.

The Condom Pope.

condompopeArtist Niki Johnson has created a portrait of Pope emeritus Benedict XVI (a.k.a. Joseph Ratzinger) fashioned entirely from 17,000 colored condoms. She says the work aims to “critique Benedict’s views while raising awareness about public health.”

Benedict’s views.


In March 2009, Pope Ratzi ‘splained to the world that the AIDS crisis in Africa could not be mitigated with condoms, and that indeed condom use would only aggravate the epidemic and make the spread of HIV worse. Here in reality of course, condom use is actually “highly effective” in reducing the spread of HIV. Just FYI, in sub-Saharan Africa, 25.8 million people are currently living with HIV. Last year an estimated 790,000 adults and children died of AIDS and 1.4 million people became newly infected.

The Archbishop Archvillain of Milwaukee, where Johnson’s condom pope portrait is currently on display, well he no likee:

An artist who claims his or her work is some great social commentary and a museum that accepts it, insults a religious leader of a church, whose charitable outreach through its missionaries and ministers has eased the pain of those who suffer throughout the world, must understand the rejection of this local action by the believers who themselves have been insulted.

Apparently in the unique Catholic dialect of the English language, “charitable outreach” means lying to people about the efficacy of condoms and thereby inflicting early death upon millions of people, as well as the kind of unfathomable agony that makes Jeezus’s notoriously bad weekend seem like a holiday at a luxury spa resort by comparison. Also, “easing the pain of those who suffer throughout the world” explicitly excludes the pain and suffering of sub-Saharan Africans. Good to know.

And yes, clearly the Real Victims™ here are Pope Ratfucker and his fellow believers: they have been insulted, people. That’s, like, WAY worse than millions of people dying of AIDS.

A favorite quote from Madalyn Murray O’Hair comes to mind:

I’ll tell you what you did with atheists for about 1500 years. You outlawed them from the universities or any teaching careers, besmirched their reputations, banned or burned their books or their writings of any kind, drove them into exile, humiliated them, seized their properties, arrested them for blasphemy. You dehumanized them with beatings and exquisite torture, gouged out their eyes, slit their tongues, stretched, crushed, or broke their limbs, tore off their breasts if they were women, crushed their scrotums if they were men, imprisoned them, stabbed them, disemboweled them, hanged them, burnt them alive.

And you have nerve enough to complain to me that I laugh at you?

Personally, I think we should all do a lot more insulting of Catholic religious leaders. It’s obvious to me that if they really don’t enjoy being insulted, and their tender fee-fees are just so, so hurt, then they can stop behaving like horrible lying genocidal fucking shitweasels. Easy-peasy.

Until then, though…

palacefuckyou…they can simply go fuck themselves. With or without condoms.

Have a nice day.


Offered without comment.

I was just at the fookin’ gym getting my jam on whilst torturing myself on some medieval device apparently known as an “elliptical,” when I caught this on the TeeVee:


 IMAGE: split screen of two very serious faces, a man and a woman, on CNN (live), looming above a large caption that reads in bold block letters:


It was on for quite some time—or at least I think so, but I cannot be sure because the laws of relativity cease to function properly at the fookin’ gym: one minute to other observers passes like an excruciatingly long hour to this one. But seriously, people, OMFG IS MEDIA GIVING TRUMP A FREE RIDE???

“After we’re done talking about Trump, let’s talk about talking about Trump.”



Two police encounters, in black and white.

radazzhearnsOn Friday night, in Trenton, New Jersey, a black, unarmed, 14-year old boy was shot seven times by police officers while attempting to run away. Incredibly, Radazz Hearns survived and remains in stable condition. At about 10:20 p.m., two state troopers and a county sheriff’s officer were responding to a report of shots fired when they spotted Radazz walking with two other males. Witness Rhonda Tirado, sitting in front of her home at the time, said the three were laughing, joking and didn’t appear to be in any hurry when the officers, driving an unmarked gray minivan and dressed in plain clothes, abruptly stopped their vehicle and came out to question them. Radazz ran, the officers briefly gave chase, and then they shot at him at least ten times.

According to the Attorney General’s office, which is investigating the shooting, witnesses said they saw Radazz “reach for his waistband” before two officers opened fire.

Rhonda Tirado said she did not see Radazz with a gun, and that as he turned and ran he grabbed his sweatpants to keep them from falling down. “Those police were amped and they didn’t give that little boy a chance,” she told a reporter from on Wednesday, while re-enacting the shooting. “There was no room for no chase. They just shot that little boy right there.” Tirado said no one from law enforcement has interviewed her about the events she witnessed on Friday night. The Hearns family’s lawyer, Samuel A. Anyan Jr., said he’s spoken to multiple witnesses who also saw the shooting and who would testify that Radazz never had a gun.

Around 10 a.m. the next morning—12 hours after Radazz was shot—a handgun was suddenly discovered under a nearby car. The Attorney General’s initial statement on the shooting said the .22-caliber pistol was recovered “later,” but upon further questioning admitted that “later” meant 12 hours later. According to the AG’s office, “darkness and the vehicle both impaired the ability of investigators to find it.”

The sun rose on Saturday morning at 6:03 a.m.


josephparkerAt a traffic stop in Revere, Massachusetts, during the early morning hours on Tuesday, Joseph Parker, 34, threatened to kill police, punched 57-year-old Lt. Jeremian Goodwin in the head—knocking him out—and injured six other officers, two of whom were hospitalized. He violently resisted arrest while being taken into custody at the scene. Later on Tuesday, he pleaded not guilty to assault and other charges, and was ordered held on $25,000 bail. He is due back in court on Sept. 15.


“Unfortunately, it’s becoming the new normal in law enforcement in America these days,” opined Chief Joseph Cafarelli of the Revere PD.

No. It is anything but “the new normal” for black people.

Recent reads.


Open letter to progressives: You’re doing it wrong and it’ll cost the Democratic Party. Teal. M., Daily Kos (Aug. 2015). (“At every single point of transformative change in this country, disruption has been key.” -emphasis in original.)

Democrats Can’t Win on the White Vote. Svan, S., FreeThoughtBlogs/Almost Diamonds (Aug. 2015):

When black people tell you it’s important that Sanders address race issues, they don’t just mean it’s important to them. They don’t just mean it’s a matter of their equality and their very lives, though it is. They mean that it’s important to Sanders or Clinton or whoever it is who ends up the Democrats’ nominee for president next year. Why? Because white people haven’t voted for a Democratic presidential candidate in the last forty years.

Let me repeat that: In the last ten elections, white people as a group have chosen the Republican candidate every single time. No exceptions. The closest they came was in voting for Bill Clinton, where there was only a deficit of 2% of the white voting population, when Perot was splitting the white vote.

Some People of Color Bernie Sanders Fans Would Do Well to Listen To. Hunter, D., FreeThoughtBlogs/En Tequila es Verdad (Aug. 2015).

Bernie Sanders, Black Lives Matter and the racial divide in Seattle. Oluo, I., The Seattle Globalist (Aug. 2015). [FAQs for white “progressives”. –Ed.]


Bernie Sanders’ Campaign Adds Young Black Woman As New Public Face. McMorris-Santoro, E., BuzzFeed (Aug. 2015). (“After meeting with Bernie Sanders about criminal justice and Black Lives Matter, Bernie Sanders has hired Symone Sanders as national press secretary.”)

Bernie Sanders Unveils Sweeping Policy Platform To Combat Racial Inequality. Fang, M., Huffington Post (Aug. 2015).


The Dogs Are Still in the Streets: Ferguson 2015—It’s Still Right to Rebel Against Injustice! Dix, C., Stop Mass Incarceration Network (Aug. 2015).

racismmuch[The arrested girl is 12. TWELVE. –Ed.]


Cops Gun Down Unarmed Journalist’s Career. Palast, G., Reader Supported News (Aug. 2015). (“LA Times fires Ted Rall – evidence blows up in newspaper’s face.”)


Man’s US extradition over terror refused. O’Riordan, A., Irish Examiner (May 2015). [Ireland’s High Court refuses to extradite an alleged terrorist to the US because our criminal justice system and prison-industrial-complex are human rights atrocities. Go USA! –Ed.]

Who Are the Biggest Killers in America? The Numbers Will Shock You. Jilani, Z., AlterNet (Aug. 2015) (“The crimes committed by the rich not only cause more monetary damage but kill far more people than ordinary street crime, yet the former are treated with kid gloves while the latter are treated with long prison sentences or even executions.”) [For the record, I am not shocked. –Ed.]


G20 countries pay over $1,000 per citizen in fossil fuel subsidies, says IMF. Carrington, D., The Guardian (Aug. 2015).

Subsidies for fossil fuels amount to $1,000 (£640) a year for every citizen living in the G20 group of the world’s leading economies, despite the group’s pledge in 2009 to phase out support for coal, oil and gas.

New figures from the International Monetary Fund (IMF) show that the US, which hosted the G20 summit in 2009, gives $700bn a year in fossil fuel subsidies, equivalent to $2,180 for every American. President Barack Obama backed the phase out but has since overseen a steep rise in federal fossil fuel subsidies.

[Free Market™ capitalism, YAY! And remember, kids! THIS is why we can’t have nice things. Like health care, food, education, a living wage, affordable housing, Social Security, infrastructure investment, etc. –Ed.]

deepgreencoalPOVERTY, RACE.

The Resurrection of America’s Slums: After falling in the 1990s, the number of poor people living in high-poverty areas has been growing fast. Semuels, A., The Atlantic (Aug. 2015).

The number of people living in high-poverty areas—defined as census tracts where 40 percent or more of families have income levels below the federal poverty threshold—nearly doubled between 2000 and 2013, to 13.8 million from 7.2 million, according to a new analysis of census data by Paul Jargowsky, a public-policy professor at Rutgers University-Camden and a fellow at The Century Foundation. That’s the highest number of Americans living in high-poverty neighborhoods ever recorded.

[In case you were wondering, this is what “economic recovery” apparently looks like. –Ed.]

Black poverty differs from white poverty. Badger, E., The Washington Post (Aug. 2015).

In five-year American Community Survey data from 2009-2013, more than a third of all poor African Americans in metropolitan Chicago live in high-poverty census tracts (where the poverty rate is above 40 percent). That number has gotten worse since 2000. And it’s about 10 times higher than for poor whites.

In St. Louis, 29.5 percent of poor African Americans live in concentrated poverty. Among poor whites, just 1.6 percent do.


Why do people believe myths about the Confederacy? Because our textbooks and monuments are wrong. Loewen, J.W., Washington Post (Jul. 2015):

“The Confederates won with the pen (and the noose) what they could not win on the battlefield: the cause of white supremacy and the dominant understanding of what the war was all about. We are still digging ourselves out from under the misinformation they spread, which has manifested in our public monuments and our history books.


Bishops Meddle in Health Care. Novella, S., Neurologica Blog (Aug. 2015).

“the country’s Conference of Catholic Bishops declared a boycott of the World Health Organization’s vaccination campaign, saying they needed to “test” whether ingredients contain a derivative of estrogen. Dr. Wahome Ngare of the Kenyan Catholic Doctor’s Association alleged that the presence of the female hormone could sterilize children.”

[“Pro-life,” everyone. And no, they have no idea what they’re fucking talking about. –Ed.]

Hospital Denies Mother’s Choice For Tubal Ligation Minutes Before Surgery. Salzillo, L., Daily Kos (Aug. 2015):

When Angela Valavanis established her birth plan for delivering her youngest child, she indicated that if a C-section was medically necessary, she wanted to get a tubal ligation at the same time. But, at the last minute, the Illinois mom was denied the sterilization surgery because the hospital where she was delivering was a Catholic institution and policy dictated it couldn’t perform contraceptive procedures — something Valavanis was never made aware of throughout her pregnancy.

[Paging smiley progressive pope? HELLO…? –Ed.]

Paying through the nose for prescription drugs: We pay far more for prescription medications than any other country – just the way Big Pharma and the insurance industry likes it. Potter, W., Medicare Resources (Aug. 2015). [Good article, but buries the lede in the penultimate paragraphs:

The industry’s influence with Democrats is just as strong as it is with Republicans. That’s why provisions that would have allowed the importation of drugs from Canada and that would have given Medicare the power to negotiate with drug companies were stripped out of the Affordable Care Act before it reached President Obama’s desk.

That was by design. Obama and Democratic leaders had agreed to strip out those provisions when PhRMA said it would spend millions to torpedo Obamacare if the industry didn’t get what it wanted.

…with friends like these… –Ed.]

4 New Depression Treatments You Won’t Believe Actually Work. Coville, C., Cracked (Jul. 2014).


The Maturing Secular Community: Fewer Personalities, More Good Deeds. Lee, A., Patheos/Daylight Athiesm (Aug. 2015).


Planned Parenthood Clinic Construction Site Vandalized in New Orleans. Wilson, T., RH Reality Check (Aug.  2015).


The real reason some men still can’t handle the all-female ‘Ghostbusters’. Thériault, A., The Daily Dot (Jul. 2015). (“On social media, people’s reactions have been hilariously out of touch with reality, ranging from faux-intellectual comments about how gender-swapping is ‘pandering’ to women to complaints from Twitter users that the new film will ‘ruin’ their childhoods.”) [FEMINISM: ruining men’s childhoods by going back in time and digitally inserting women into every copy of the original Ghostbusters! Bwhahahahah! –Ed.]

Central Park Has 22 Statues of Historical Figures. Every Single One is a Man. Blakemore, E., The Smithsonian (Jul. 2015). (“Could a crusade to bring historic women into the park change the face of the city?”) [Or does having a female statue in Central Park ensure we’ll all drown in male tears? Do I really need another fucking pool?Ed.]


maletearsmug[There is a distinct chance that this mug actually contains vodka. –Ed.]


A mathematician may have uncovered widespread election fraud, and Kansas is trying to silence her. Green, J., America Blog (Aug. 2015).

The irregularities are isolated to precincts that use “Central Tabulator” voting machines — machines that have previously been shown to be vulnerable to hacking. The effects are significant and widespread: According to their analysis, Mitt Romney could have received over a million extra votes in the 2012 Republican primary, mostly coming at the expense of Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich. President Obama also ceded significant votes to John McCain due to this irregularity, as well.


REMINDER: Acquisition of links for our fabulous library does not imply the Palace’s 100% agreement with or endorsement of any content, organization, source or individual.

Have a nice day.


BREAKING: Don Ardell posts for Secular Woman.

herstoryslideshowHer•Story is Secular Woman’s collection of biographies of notable secular women, both historical and contemporary. The project aims to counter the ahistorical narrative that persists among some in the broader secular movement that women activists are some new and exotic species, and not the amazing badasses they are and have always been. (Here is an introduction to the series, written for Secular Woman by Your Humble Monarch™.)

Thus I am proud, thrilled and grateful to my co-blogger and friend Don Ardell for allowing his Palace post on Madalyn Murray O’Hair to be included with the Her•Story biographies. It was just published at Secular Woman today.

I am great admirer of O’Hair, who founded American Atheists and whose objection to Bible readings in public schools led to the Supreme Court declaring that bullshit unconstitutional in 1963. She was fearless in debates with religious leaders, and she wasn’t afraid to express sentiments like this one:

I’ll tell you what you did with atheists for about 1500 years. You outlawed them from the universities or any teaching careers, besmirched their reputations, banned or burned their books or their writings of any kind, drove them into exile, humiliated them, seized their properties, arrested them for blasphemy. You dehumanized them with beatings and exquisite torture, gouged out their eyes, slit their tongues, stretched, crushed, or broke their limbs, tore off their breasts if they were women, crushed their scrotums if they were men, imprisoned them, stabbed them, disemboweled them, hanged them, burnt them alive. And you have nerve enough to complain to me that I laugh at you?

See? Fucking badass. And a mocker to boot, after my own heart.

Thanks and congratulations on his fine article to Don, who is now officially an Internet Feminist™.

Trickle Down Economics: FIFY.

Last night I shared on Facebook this graphic from United Humanists*:

trickledownIt’s pretty good as far as it goes. But by this morning, my astute FB comrades had correctly pointed out that the final frame is missing: you know, the one with MOAR wine and money pouring in to the big glass on top, such that all of the smaller glasses have shattered under its weight. I needed to fix it, obviously. If not me, people, then who?

winecapitalI just love the smell of anti-capitalist collaboration in the morning.

[h/t Llewellyn & Tony. ]

*As Loyal Readers™ well know, I am not a humanist. I despise the human species WAY too much for that, especially Homo sapiens conservatus Americanus. Don’t be alarmed: I ain’t going soft or anything.

Iris has sex with Congresscritters.

[CONTENT NOTE: sexual objectification. By Your Humble Monarch™. On purpose. The images are fine; the text is moderately explicit = NSFW.]

A well-known quote attributed to various sources holds that “Washington is Hollywood for ugly people.” It sure seems intuitively true: whatever aesthetics may be on offer when they pose for their portraits in front of flags, successful politicians are a special breed with a very specific skill set, one that ultimately renders them repellant in the extreme: e.g. a propensity for spewing platitudes and weasel words without saying anything meaningful, a willingness to relentlessly hondle people for cash, and a narcissistic appetite for the spotlight and a captive audience without being anywhere near entertaining enough to warrant the slightest bit of attention. Now that I think about it, politicians are more like clergy than Hollywood actors—and let’s just say Loyal Readers™ will have no trouble discerning how revolting we find clergy ferchrissakes.*

All of which is why I was a bit miffed to find a link to Sexy Congress posted to my Facebook wall by my friend Tony (who else?). The site purports to rate members of Congress on their hawtness, which is problematic for reasons even beyond those I mentioned above. For one thing, the gender binary is alive and well: your menu choices of sex partners are restricted to “Women Only / Men Only / Both.” I suppose this is to be expected in a realm that is as deeply conservative, superficial and publicly policed as the US Congress: unfortunately, non-conforming individuals are all too easy to weed out in the electoral process by political opponents. I mean, can you imagine some congressman showing up at the Capitol on casual Fridays in a sundress and strappy sandals? Or a masculine-of-center congresswoman rocking a tux instead of a gown at a White House state dinner? Of course not. The public would have themselves a giant, collective shit, and the press would only be too happy to encourage it with great gusto. People suck.

But that is hardly my biggest issue with Sexy Congress. Sexualizing men (heteronormatively) adds to their existing social status and power, whereas sexualizing women diminishes theirs:

A recent study found that showing men pictures of sexualized women evokes less activity in areas of the brain responsible for mental state attribution—that is, the area of the brain that becomes active when we think we are looking at an entity capable of thought and planned action. Other studies have found similar results. When men see body shots of women as compared with face shots, they judge women to be less intelligent, likeable, ambitious and competent.

No one will reduce a powerful congressman’s entire worth to that of an incompetent, not-so-bright fuck toy because he is a hottie horndog, not even unconsciously. Women do not exactly fare as well, to put it mildly. Did I mention people suck? FYI: people suck.

So for all of these reasons, my immediate response to Tony was—and I quote—”EEEEEEEEW.

Apparently unfazed by my succinct and eloquent retort, Tony insisted that there were indeed many good choices (“I found 10 future husbands in the list”) and challenged me to find that number myself. And if I would show him mine, so-to-speak, he’d show me his.

Game on.


Now, I have an unfair advantage over Tony, because I am not limited to men with respect to people I find sexually attractive. And since this entire exercise is a fantasy about who I would have sex with—in an alternate universe where I could somehow get past all those repulsive clergy parallels, and My Amazing Lover™ did not exist—I am including women in my top ten. Yes, I understand I am Ruining Feminism®, and I take full responsibility for that. 

I am also sexually attracted to people who, regardless of gender, do not fit cultural standards of “conventionally attractive.” This probably has some relation to my being kinky, but it is also just a fact that I have found many people sexually attractive who exude a natural confidence, an interesting sense of humor compatible with mine, and a certain kind of intelligence (i.e. intellectually curious, informed, open-minded, witty, creative, reality-based…), regardless of their physical attributes. But these kinds of personality-based traits would be impossible for me to detect in 535 members of Congress without reviewing hundreds of hours of extremely boring video footage, if even then.

After further consultations between us, Tony and I agreed that we could take into consideration factors such as spite fucking—that is, so thoroughly ravaging your enemies that they will remain perpetually disappointed with every other sex partner they will ever have for the rest of their miserable lives. And of course it would be fair to deploy the use of ball gags, ear buds or other means of ensuring that these motherfuckers cannot ruin our enjoyment of the experience by saying something terrible, like asking for campaign contributions or expounding on the merits of neoliberalism.

So with all of these caveats in mind, here is my list of the sexiest critters of the 114th Congress.

Oh, and my safe word is “Snowden.”


Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA)

Rep.EricSwalwellD-CASwalwell seems fun. He not only posts silly pics of himself with Etch-a-Sketch self-portraits, he also holds the impressive distinction of being the first person to Vine his vote from the House floor.

“When House @GOP try to roll back health protections for women, this is how I vote. #WarOnWomen” -Eric Swalwell



Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI)

Rep.TulsiGabbardD-HITulsi Gabbard is a badass. Not only is she a serious surfer, Gabbard enlisted in the Hawaii Army National Guard after 9/11 and served two combat tours in the Middle East. She’s also a practicing Hindu, which, you know…about the best I can say about that is at least it has girl gods. I’d really like to salute you, Congresswoman. Repeatedly. If you catch my drift.


Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ)

Sen.corybookerD-NJBooker earned a BA in political science and an MA in sociology at Stanford, an honors degree in US history as a Rhodes Scholar at Queen’s College, Oxford, and his JD at Yale. Senator Smarty Pants is a sharp dresser, and easy with a smile. Although he has neither confirmed nor denied persistent rumors that he’s gay, I am going on the record here and saying that I am not adverse to him bringing a date to our tryst. At all. YUMMY.


Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)

Sen.KirstenGillibrandD-NYGillibrand strikes me as…well, classy. With her, I envision a romantic date where we go shopping for dresses and lingerie on Madison Avenue and make out in all the dressing rooms. We both buy classic black Louboutin pumps, and have our driver stop to pick up a couple bottles of 1975 Dom Perignon Oenotheque on the way back to my suite at the Crosby Street Hotel. Later we fall asleep in each other’s arms wearing nothing but the pumps. After a few hours we wake up hungry, so we sneak out to hit a dive bar on the Lower East Side for a late night dinner of Spanish tapas. Back at the hotel, we giggle all night watching 80s movies.

TL;dr: Hit me up on my cell Kirsten, so I can ruin all your future sexual encounters with men.


Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL)

Rep.AaronSchockR-ILSchock is a Republican, so it won’t surprise anyone that he is a lying, scheming shitweasel who had to resign from Congress in March under the weight of a massive corruption scandal. (That means he still technically qualifies as a member of the 114th Congress, just sayin’.) The feds have opened a “preliminary investigation” into his reprehensible activities, but in the meantime, before he goes to jail or anything, I wish to invoke both the spite fuck and the ball gag exemptions, as I introduce him to the fine art of vigorous pegging.


Donna Edwards (D-MD)

Rep.DonnaEdwardsD-MDBefore running for Congress, Edwards co-founded and served as the first executive director of the National Network to End Domestic Violence. She also gets major props from me for getting herself arrested outside the Sudanese embassy during a 2009 protest against the Darfur genocide and the blocking of aid to victims. But never mind all of that—this woman is drop dead gorgeous THE END.


Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-CA)

Rep.XavierBecerraD-CABecerra is a first generation Mexican-American, with a JD from Stanford Law. He’s got some kind of Jeff-Goldblum-meets-Argentinian-Tango-Dancer thing going on. And I like it.


Rep. Judy Chu (D-CA)

Rep.JudyChuD-CAChu is the first Chinese American woman elected to Congress. She has a B.A. in mathematics and a Ph.D. in psychology and blah blah blah…She’s just really pretty, has a great smile and rocks amazing haircuts.

Why don’t you say hello to your California colleague Mr. Swalwell, Congresswoman? Perhaps the three of us can get together sometime. I think we might have a few things to talk about…


Sen. John Thune (R-SD)

SenJohnThuneR-SDThune is an unrepentant Republican and therefore obviously the absolute worst. He is also a tall drink of water, and wears well-fitting suits. I’m definitely invoking the spite fuck exemption here, but I’m reserving the right to a ball gag for now—I’m kinda digging the thought of him turning out to be really good at talking dirty to me.


Rep. Beto O’Rourke (D-TX)

Rep.BetoO’RourkeD-TXO’Rourke’s got a bit of a checkered past, including arrests for burglary and DUI; he was also a singer and guitarist in a touring rock band in the early 90s. He’s been an outspoken critic of the failed Drug War. He looks like he could be the love child of a young Bobby Kennedy and mid-career Hugh Grant, if that were, you know, A Thing. I can’t seem to stop myself from wondering whether he and Rep. Swalwell might be up for a double date—if you’re catching what I’m pitching.


Pretty sure my chances of serving in Congress just went down from zero to less-than-zero. Hahaha. And I guess I should probably leave a note here for the Capitol Police:

In case this isn’t crystal clear to you for for some reason: there is virtually no scenario in this universe in which I can envision myself actually fooling around with any of these people, even given the ideal opportunity and enthusiastic consent from themselves and their partner(s). This is strictly an exercise in fantasy and/or mockery about public figures, falling squarely under the protection of the First Amendment. There is no need to concern yourself with my stalking or ever attempting to contact any of these people, with the exception of Kirsten Gillibrand who is my Senator and whose office I have on speed dial of course. But I would never contact her in anything but her professional capacity. Mmmkay?

Have a nice day, officers.

I wouldn’t fuck ’em with your dick, Tony. :p

*For as long as I can remember having sexual fantasies, I’ve had a recurring one involving getting fucked, hard, by a smoking hot Catholic priest in traditional dress. In the church. On the altar. I look him in the eyes as I unbutton his black shirt from the bottom up, and stop just before I get to the white collar. He quickly unbuttons his pants and pulls out his hard dick and…well.

I told you I was kinky.